In my opinion, a cheater is poor material for a relationship.

If I were 19 and my BF cheated on me, I hope I would have enough self respect and self esteem to realize I deserve better and that there are better guys out there.

And it doesn’t help it ended a friendship of 13 years cause the girl he cheated on me with was my best friends step sister

Hello,

Yard_Eggs has a point here. It is an emotional safety concern to stay hooked with a cheater. Have you had a good one-on-one talk with your friend? Possibly talking with the step sister and this guy at the same time will help, at least you can hear all sides, and then make an informed decision for stay or go.

Best to you! <3

I have talked to both and got both sides. The step sister told me he was trying to date her and was pretending I was living far away and called me an ex when he referred to me to her and he wanted her to meet his mom, he had sex with her 3 times and before I was the only person he has ever slept with so now the thought of him sleeping with someone else kills me inside. He’s trying to tell me it’s a mistake and he did it cause he didn’t love himself and had his own insecurities but i have the same issues and I would never do that to him I don’t have the heart to, he’s claiming he’ll wait forever for me and is going to get help but how do you fix something like that

Okay, you explain it all so well. I am very sorry for this, too. It will work your mind trying to build up trust again. I do see how low self-esteem or insecurities pushed him to cheat and keep lies, to cover it all. Yet, as you tell, you are more than that, and you would not have reacted so senselessly. I don't want to encourage you to keep hope after three mess-ups either. Possibly, he does not realize how much he is injuring your feeling, and this is truly his fault. And this has to be a sensible choice for you to make, which has to be in your own best interest. Okay? I say that it makes sense to not pursue him for now; it really is too dumb of him to keep on making the same mistakes. The emotional stress in not worth it to you. This could all lead to therapy sessions for you. He seems to have better chemistry as a cheater. I support that you think to break the cycle of pain. I get the sense that you predict he will only do this again anyway.

Let me know what you decide to do. I will be around, and you may message me at any time. Many hugs! Be a blessing to yourself, stay upbeat and relax. You are worth it! :-)

I told him it could be years till I trusted him again but the more and more I think about it is it even possible to after something like that? Obviously I care so much and want to be with him but i physically can’t till I trust him again but i feel as if I won’t be able to get over this

I'll help you figure a plan :-) I'm fairly familiar with what you are going through. Trust me. I want that you consider options to pull away, and start a regular DS journal. I may take a while to figure it all. However, I gain better ideas as I have time to read and ponder all that you tell. If you are willing to work together for even a short while, I have plenty of tips, ideas, suggestions and experience to share with you. And telling him that it will take much time to trust him again is a bold move. Let us girls put our heads together and figure more ways to get you to the point that you care, but he does not continue to grow in popularity in your heart.
Understand me? You will get over this. The way is to talk it out with others who've been there. I have. Let me help. I will come back through this site later on. And you may message or start journal writing right away. I am pleased to meet you as a friend. And I can't wait for you to be liberated from this guy. Let him crawl back to you! :-)

Thank you so much! And of course message me whenever you want!

My pleasure to help :-) Chat later <3

it takes real work and commitment, but begins with your spouse breaking all ties. counselling is a fantastic start

He has suggested couples therapy, and he’s in therapy right now himself and is back on his anti depressants but that still doesn’t mean that I trust that he changed, I want to believe it in the future but I just find it so hard to right now. For two months he was lying to me and I only found out because she’s a masseuse and she was giving me a massage and I was talking about him the whole time and at the end when I finally mentioned his name since I was referring to him as my boyfriend she asked to see a picture of him and then told me she had sex with him three times and it nearly broke my heart. I dye my hair a lot and I was wanting to go a vibrant pastel color but during the process of bleaching my hair he told me he wanted me to stay blonde cause he liked it and even had the nerve to tell me he thinks he has a thing for blondes while my natural hair color is brown and the girl he cheated on me with was a natural blonde and everytime I looked at myself in the mirror I would cry. It makes me feel not good enough as if she’s prettier than me, has a nicer body than me, smarter than me, has a better job than me, just everything I compared myself until I had no confidence left not that I had any to begin with but the little self esteem I had just disappeared as if it was never there. I made him get tested for HIV since this girl openly told me she sleeps with lots of people and considers herself a whore, the test came back negative but in my heart it hurts to know he told me he cares and loves me and even had sex with me during the time he was cheating on me. It just makes me feel like im nothing as if everything he has ever told me was a lie.

I'm sorry to hear that! I wish I could offer more than sympathy. But don't be discouraged by how this relationship has affected you in particular.

Not to be religious but I think everyone is born/created with a broken and flawed nature. This broken-ness manifests itself into negative characteristics, tendencies or even addictions (like in my case).

Even the best relationships on the planet has hiccups, temptations, and dire situations for both parties. So please don't let this relationship dampen your optimism and by all means do not allow your self-esteem to dip, although you're totally justified in reasoning...

I'm sorry to say it but I would advise you end the relationship with him as swiftly as possible because it will only serve the both of you the better in my opinion.

I think your partner needs time to sort himself out, which can be a positive yet very destructive process. While you may feel tempted to stick with him, I can't help but suspect he will only inflict further pain on both you and himself. Allow him some room and some perspective to see the affect he has on others...positively and negatively. No one else can help him change, unless he is mentally, spiritually, and physically motivated and driven to turn back his ways for the better.

You can be there for him later as a friend, and perhaps even with him again further down the road. But my honest thoughts are he needs to up-root a lot of bad habits and perspectives in his life in order for either one of you to have a better chance of a relationship that is healthy, long-lasting, and positively influential on children (if you choose to do so).

I don't mean to be insensitive. But, I will say there can be things that you do that may also hinder a healthy relationship.

First, do your best not to wallow in low-self esteem. Its awful lie to say you aren't worth much...especially when you have value in the eyes of God (reading the Bible helps too!) . It is also dangerous to have unhealthy levels of self-esteem, too low or too high, and it can lead resentment, suicidal tendencies, manipulation, and bitterness.

Second, seek the support of others. Get your friends together or find a psychologist or a close friend (not the opposite sex) to talk about it. Resist gossiping, but clearly vent about the problems you're having and listen carefully. Reserve your ears and your mind for advice that you trust is wise, good and fruitful.

I'm sorry for preaching at you. I guess I just feel bad, and as a guy I hate to admit it but I can say I relate to your partner in thought as well. We all have had these experiences in one sense or the others. I sincerely hope and pray for your recovery and your renewed trust in God and in future relationships and family.

You are only 19 years old. Move on. There are very few reasons that would make sense to try to salvage this relationship at this stage in your life. He’s a turd. It’s a no brainer.

You are both very young. This might just be growing up or maturity lessons. Do not saddle yourself to a relationship that is not a healthy one. He has a pattern of lying. He calls it a mistake but he lied to both you and the one he cheated with. The reason you question should I stay or should I go is something to ponder. Do you feel you have no value and have to accept this poor treatment of you? Do you feel that without a boyfriend you have no value, are nothing? The facts that he cheats and lies are on him. The facts that you accept this behavior, this treatment of you that screams he doesn't value you, is about you and your feelings about yourself. I would suggest you break away from this boy/man and find yourself, develop yourself and your own interests, and learn to value yourself and have self love.

Big hug for you positive...… I tend to think move on as well..... He put a lot of thought and effort into this fling

It wasn't someone he picked up one night …..(not that that's alright however it isn't as dishonest as this is)... I imagine the only reason it ended is that he got caught

This is disturbing...… You deserve to be treated with honesty and without pain being inflicted on you by someone who lies and cheats