Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Non-Relationship Relationship

sinclair79
sinclair79

Hi,



I need some advice about a casual relationship that I'm in.



I have been seeing a woman for about 3 months. We had dated about a year ago, broke it off and then slowly became friends. Then we started having sex casually. She knows I have feelings for her, but has been vocal that she doesn't want a relationship. Where I need some help is what to do. 



She has never lied to me and has been honest the whole time. The part that gets me is even though she says she doesn't want a relationship, she treats it like it is one. Her actions and her words do not align. She is very touchy feely with me, likes to cuddle, calls me and makes time for me.



I really like hanging out with her and for the most part I'm ok with casual. I know based on her words that it won't go anywhere. I would be lying though if I didn't hope it does. That said, I don't have expectations, but I know that I do want a relationship. I want to love someone and know they love me back. That there is a potential future for her and I.



I don't feel like her and I have that and I know that at some point I need to walk away. So the question is, now or later? Do I put a time limit on this? Do I see where it goes? What do I do? I don't really want to walk away, I know I should though.



Have any of you ever been in something casual like this? What did you do? Did you know when you needed to walk away?



Help! 

koolman
koolman
Sex is a double-edged sword: It's that comfort food that fills the void and soothes the pain of being totally and utterly alone, which is good. But it's also a crutch that's handicapping you both from finding other people that you could be truly in love with. There are pros and cons. The question I'd ask is: Take away the sex and what is this? A lukewarm at best friendship, more like a casual acquaintenceship? I'm of the something is better than nothing camp, and I'd just enjoy the sex and whayever this association is, using condoms religiously, to prevent kids from being conceived, because kids will make this situation really sticky, messy. But I'm a guy. The ladies will no doubt disagree, say you're settling, and this should be an all-in or nothing thing. But ask yourself: What do you REALLY want and need from a woman? Maybe you yourself couldn't HANDLE a woman who is madly, passionately, obsessively in love with you, in the sense of wanting tk control your every waking thought and even haunt your dreams. Such types can be positively scary. Or maybe that IS what you want. Ask yourself these things.
sinclair79
sinclair79
Well thanks everyone for your help. I do appreciate it.

So tonight turned interesting. We had dinner at her place together and she told me we should remove sex and that she thinks sex complicates things and she just wants to remain friends.

She said it complicates things with all the emotions and she doesn't want to lose me all together. So I guess the universe answered my question for me.

So right now, I have to decide if being a friend is enough and honestly I don't think it is. I have decided to stop or limit contact with her. I haven't told her (no point now). I won't be disrespectful, I'm just going to limit how available I am to her. I just don't think I can just be friends with her right now (maybe down the road) without having ulterior motives and remove my feelings from the situation.

Anyway, thanks everyone for the advice.
rmb
rmb
I'm glad you found some footing with this situation. Honestly, I would have a hard time being friends with someone I had feelings for. I would need time for those feelings to fade before I could kind of just hang out and be buddies. I think how you are going to handle it makes complete sense.
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