Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi,
I need some advice about a casual relationship that I'm in.
I have been seeing a woman for about 3 months. We had dated about a year ago, broke it off and then slowly became friends. Then we started having sex casually. She knows I have feelings for her, but has been vocal that she doesn't want a relationship. Where I need some help is what to do.
She has never lied to me and has been honest the whole time. The part that gets me is even though she says she doesn't want a relationship, she treats it like it is one. Her actions and her words do not align. She is very touchy feely with me, likes to cuddle, calls me and makes time for me.
I really like hanging out with her and for the most part I'm ok with casual. I know based on her words that it won't go anywhere. I would be lying though if I didn't hope it does. That said, I don't have expectations, but I know that I do want a relationship. I want to love someone and know they love me back. That there is a potential future for her and I.
I don't feel like her and I have that and I know that at some point I need to walk away. So the question is, now or later? Do I put a time limit on this? Do I see where it goes? What do I do? I don't really want to walk away, I know I should though.
Have any of you ever been in something casual like this? What did you do? Did you know when you needed to walk away?
Help!
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
You already know what to do, so I would not continue to ignore that. I think that's what gets us in trouble in relationships: when we know deep down inside the answer and the other person is telling us everything we need to know to make a decision, and yet we pretend none of that information is relevant or we ignore it all together.
I like that expression "be a good friend to yourself." I mean, if you had a good friend who was asking you these questions, surely you'd tell your friend, don't torture yourself; move on. So, that's the advice you need to give yourself.
Right now it is a FWB thing. At least that's where it picked back up again the second time we started seeing each other.
I have kind of already made up my mind and I know the rest of me will follow. I'm just not ready to be too hasty yet as I do enjoy her company.
The next question is, a slow fade or just break off? And I don't mean ghost on her, but start saying no to hanging out more often and just slowly distance myself?
The odd thing about her and I is that we've done the push and pull thing quite a few times. When we first met in Oct 2015, we dated for about 3 months and broke up at least 3 times until we ultimately stopped seeing each other in Feb 2016 (on Valentines actually lol).
I avoided her and cut off contact for about 6 months. She reached out a few times, but I stayed no contact. I eventually reached out to her when I felt we could be friends.
Fast forward a few months after and we are hitting the sheets together again. It's like as long as we know each other, we just can't seem to say no. Even when I've asked for space she just can't help herself and neither can I. This whole thing is silly!
So, slow fade, or rip off the bandaid and get it over with?
Would knowing that you are or aren't her only partner, help you make a decision about moving on?
Has she told you why she doesn't want a relationship? It's hard to believe someone does not want to be loved.
I don't think she is. We actually dated other people a while ago. She had actually talked to me about this guy for a while and the funny thing is, she hung out with him one day and when they kissed she said she was thinking about me. She actually called me after and told me.
We kind of hit a point where I told her that I wasn't going to stop her from dating, but I didn't want to know about it either. She felt the same about me.
So she could be, even though she said she has no interest in dating right now. It probably would. If I knew she was dating I would back off for sure.
I don't know why. I've asked her, and I think it's the commitment. Lots of things like "I'm just not ready" etc etc.
Lately she's been saying that she's going to relax this year, just her and her dog. Which has me question if she has any room for me.
To me easing out of sounds like a way for you to still hang on, in case she decides to change her mind about having a relationship with you.
I will most likely be direct and honest with her, and she may stop texting for a while, but I doubt it. Either way, I do feel like being direct and honest is the best bet. I just wanted some additional opinions.
I just came across this article today and it's a similar situation to mine. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-friends-with-benefits-can-backfire-on-men/
I guess I'm just avoiding it!
I am kind of idealistic - all or nothing. The way I see it - I can get sex any time any where, but i don't enjoy just sex.. my sexual attration is induced by person's history, good deeds, achievements, aspirations...
if I love someone, I really love them 100% and if the other person is not able to give back what I put out or doesn't want it, then there is no point to continue .
Some people are content with small doses of intimacy and can do it indefinitely.
Think about exactly what you want deep down in your heart. Is this it ?
Is there something in your lives that she feels would prevent you from having a successful relationship?