Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Lately Ive been struggling a lot in my relationship with my partner for multiple reasons, but a big factor of it is our finances. Because of this, I want feedback from people who are objective and removed from our situation.
I work a full time job that often requires me to stay after my assigned hours. Because Im salary, I dont get paid overtime for these efforts and working extra hours is expected of us. When I get home every day, I just want to be able to relax and enjoy my time away from the stressful work environment.
My partner is attending her second college (she dropped out of the first and didnt do anything for at least a quarter), and is currently working part time at a retail store. She gets anywhere from $70-$300 a month in income from her job.
Shes made no effort or had no interest in getting a second job (unless I start talking about getting a second one) or requesting more hours. The initiative just doesnt seem to be there. I know that age may be a factor, (were five years apart) but I also believe that if she wants to have a serious relationship with me she needs to contribute.
Financially, I am the one that floats the bills. Its my paycheck that pays the rent and utilities on time - her helping pay for the bills anywhere from 2 weeks to a month late. She never seems motivated to step it up financially in our relationship until Ive brought it up in a discussion or argument.
Weve been together about a year and a half, and shes lived with me full-time since March.
Because of her failure to pay bills in a timely fashion, Im starting to suffer financially. Shes known that things have been tight for me all summer, yet still hasnt really taken any initiative with jobs (as I mentioned earlier). I stress a lot about money (because my ex caused me to go majorly into debt) and Im finding myself wondering if I should keep waiting on her to start contributing or if I should be more firm about things. When she moved in, she knew that I wanted her to contribute to the household bills. All I asked was for her to be open and honest about things on her end, but shes fallen through with that more than once.
Unfortunately Im starting to view her more as a roommate than a girlfriend. Shes not emotionally stable for me because shes overly emotional, and I feel that she hasnt been financially supportive toward us really either. Im contemplating if I should just start writing on the fridge what she owes and when she owes it, Im starting to detach from her in our relationship which is a coping mechanism on my part.
When living together, how important is the issue of joint finances to you in your relationships? I want things to be dealt with equally in a relationship. I have to admit that if Im going to be the man in a relationship that Im going to expect my partner to take on a more domestic role via helping out around the house to contribute. I dont want to be the sole provider in my relationships but Im starting to lose faith that shell start pulling her weight financially.
This is my first serious lesbian relationship, but it is still very frustrating for me to deal with this issue, as it is with any relationship.
What are your thoughts on finances in relationships? What is the point where it'll break a relationship?
I work a full time job that often requires me to stay after my assigned hours. Because Im salary, I dont get paid overtime for these efforts and working extra hours is expected of us. When I get home every day, I just want to be able to relax and enjoy my time away from the stressful work environment.
My partner is attending her second college (she dropped out of the first and didnt do anything for at least a quarter), and is currently working part time at a retail store. She gets anywhere from $70-$300 a month in income from her job.
Shes made no effort or had no interest in getting a second job (unless I start talking about getting a second one) or requesting more hours. The initiative just doesnt seem to be there. I know that age may be a factor, (were five years apart) but I also believe that if she wants to have a serious relationship with me she needs to contribute.
Financially, I am the one that floats the bills. Its my paycheck that pays the rent and utilities on time - her helping pay for the bills anywhere from 2 weeks to a month late. She never seems motivated to step it up financially in our relationship until Ive brought it up in a discussion or argument.
Weve been together about a year and a half, and shes lived with me full-time since March.
Because of her failure to pay bills in a timely fashion, Im starting to suffer financially. Shes known that things have been tight for me all summer, yet still hasnt really taken any initiative with jobs (as I mentioned earlier). I stress a lot about money (because my ex caused me to go majorly into debt) and Im finding myself wondering if I should keep waiting on her to start contributing or if I should be more firm about things. When she moved in, she knew that I wanted her to contribute to the household bills. All I asked was for her to be open and honest about things on her end, but shes fallen through with that more than once.
Unfortunately Im starting to view her more as a roommate than a girlfriend. Shes not emotionally stable for me because shes overly emotional, and I feel that she hasnt been financially supportive toward us really either. Im contemplating if I should just start writing on the fridge what she owes and when she owes it, Im starting to detach from her in our relationship which is a coping mechanism on my part.
When living together, how important is the issue of joint finances to you in your relationships? I want things to be dealt with equally in a relationship. I have to admit that if Im going to be the man in a relationship that Im going to expect my partner to take on a more domestic role via helping out around the house to contribute. I dont want to be the sole provider in my relationships but Im starting to lose faith that shell start pulling her weight financially.
This is my first serious lesbian relationship, but it is still very frustrating for me to deal with this issue, as it is with any relationship.
What are your thoughts on finances in relationships? What is the point where it'll break a relationship?
Secondly, not everyone is good with money. My wife is horrible with money. If fact, she sucks. If I didn't manage the books and keep my money separate, we would have divorced long ago. Money IS a big deal. It's your security. It's what either allows you to sleep at night or stay awake in a deep sweat.
If your partner can not get her act together, you need to really consider moving on. I was able to work things out with my wife because I had to prove to her she was bad with her money. But I did it without letting her take me down with her. Over time, she has been saved enough that she is finally coming around. That is a luxury most people will not get in a relationship. Financial hardship is often a big factor in why people do not work out. And it should! That's your livelihood. It's predicated on your ability to put food on the table, keep the lights on, and put something back for your future. Someone who is taking that from you is not a person who is likely going to make you happy. My wife is the exception because I understood the bigger picture and worked around it.. But I protected my interests through that pursuit. If you want to keep dating her, you should protect yourself. It's not a crime to recognize a person's weakness and do something to be proactive and protect your own stake. Be smart.
Livetowin: I think that a big reason why I am having the problems I am is because I want financial stability. I am tired of having to worry about paying the bills each month. I can afford to do so with my salary, but with two mouths to feed instead of one makes the bills go up. Same for gas since I have to drive her everywhere.
I keep my money separate from hers. We don't share bank accounts or credit cards. BUT since I am doing things like taking her out, or buying all the groceries, I've run short on money and had to use my credit card. I know that a big part of it is that she's not used to being out in the big world having to take care of things.
I plan on putting my foot down with a lot of things. The way I talk to her about things now, or about money, makes it very apparent that I am shifting gears.
Right now I need emotional and financial stability. If it wasn't for me, nothing would get paid on time and I KNOW she couldn't pay for things if something did happen to me. It's terrifying that I can't rely on her, which is a big reason why I came to this site to try and get some insight.
I do appreciate your honesty about this. You saying "It's not a crime to recognize a person's weakness and do something to be proactive and protect your own stake." made me feel a lot better about feeling the way I do, so thank you. :)
My suggestion to you is to sit down and talk with her and make your expectations clear. She is very young, and I am sure these responsibilites are new to her, as they are all too familiar to you. I would also keep your finances seperate, as you are still trying to pick up the pieces from your past. It sounds to me that you don't sound too sure of the relationship at this point, and it would be a good idea to keep things separated. It also sounds to me that she has a bit of resentment built up towards you for basically "telling her what she needs to do". While you mean well, and only want the best for the both of you, and are speaking only from experience, no one likes to be told what to do. I think she needs to experience things for herself, and maybe she needs a rude awakening, and needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. You can't show her that she can keep doing what she is doing, as she will only keep doing it because you are allowing her to, and it's only going to continue, and potentially get worse. Furthermore, you need to communicate to her loud and clear, as she cannot read your mind, or your signals, and I think by leaving a note or list on the fridge or amounts due will only cause tension, and I think it is the wrong way to go about it. Communication is key.
Other than that, the choice is yours. Either make the decision to work on it the right way, or cut your losses and move on and find someone who better suits you.
"I know that you have alluded to things with your journal entry, so I've decided to try and answer some of your thoughts/questions as brief and effectively as possible.
There are things going onwithme, and I don't entirely know how to deal with them. I've been taking steps forward to improve myself, so I can become a better person. Throughout this process, I've had an evolution with the way I think and process things.
I understand that you probably are going to hate this, and have probably been unhappy all week with how I've changed, but I have to do this for me.
I view this situation as me "having space" to regain myindependence, my individuality and to stop promoting acodependentsituation from starting. There are things I need and want in life - so right now I am going to start focusing on my goals and to make sure that things are taken care.
There are two sides ofcodependency. Each person plays their part and I'm trying to stop the progress from my end of the spectrum.
I am taking a proactive stance and protecting my personal stake in this world. I'm being smart about this situation and trying to do what will be healthiest for me in the long run, as well as our friendship."