It just sounds like to me that your partner is and has become co-dependent on you for fiances as well as emotional needs. You have expressed your concerns and feelings, she is aware of the financial strain you are under but yet has not done anything to improve the situation.

In my opinion I would not feel right in a relationship like that at all regardless if it is a romantic or friendship. To me if I choose to be in a serious relationship with someone and want a future with them I feel it is very important that we both can agree how to handle the fiances so that we both can still pay the bills, put a little away and most of all be comfortable with these decisions. I know I can do this on my own so to me it is important I am with someone who can also support themselves as I feel it gives us a better chance to make it in this world.

I certainly can understand the pressures of finding good paying jobs and perhaps even settling for jobs that do not pay as much as my partner gets or even if I am in the position where I make more. But even if that is the case it does not mean I or my partner can't contribute in other ways such as cleaning the house, running errands and so on. At least until things improve. In your case it sounds like you have someone who simply does not want to put the effort in to try and make things better not just for you but for her as well.

In any event you will have to make the choice on how long you wish to keep working with your partner to see if she will change or if you had enough it just might be time to end the relationship which I know isn't easy. Weigh your pros and cons and really take a good look on what you want for your future including all your wants and needs. Sometimes taking action to make changes is more frightening then actually staying in a situation where you are left feeling miserable and frustrated a majority of the time.

I also feel that if a person has put a lot of effort in trying to make things better in a relationship but nothing changes I know the right thing for me is to move on even if I care quite deeply for someone.

Anyway the ultimate decision will have to be up to you and in a way I think you know the answers. It is just a matter of how long you want to wait for the changes to take place. I hope this was a bit of help to you and whatever you decide will bring you a better future and much happier days. Wishing you the very best.

Thank you for your reply Katiebell68. It helps put my mind at ease to know I'm not alone in thinking this way about a relationship.

I've noticed that my "partner" has displayed codependant behavior. I brought it up on a different site and one gal said I had to stop enabling her. Since then, I actively display when I'm depressed and have been bringing up the "money" topic. Since Friday I've made her sleep in her room as well.

The thing is, I really wish that I didn't have to initiate everything. I want to be able to come home and relax. My job can be really stressful at times, and because I work at least 4x longer than her I don't want to have to deal with everything. Relationships are supposed to be equal effort.

I know that I'll have to make the decision eventually. She's my best friend and moved out to where I'm at, but I'm also her first serious relationship. For now I just want to hope that things improve, but I am finding myself testing her subconsciously.

Again, thank you for your input. I do appreciate it.

Maybe she's not so codependent as she is immature. She's only 19, and as such she pretty much went from high school to college to depending on you. Nowhere in there was the shock of the real world, paying bills on time or else there are consequences.

I can understand your stress. You have every right to want her to contribute equally to the finances. Sounds like you are going to have to have another talk with her and explain your wishes clearly and your conditions for her remaining. Maybe give it some thought as to whether you could accept some "trades" in lieu of actual monetary contributions to the bills. Maybe she could work off what she owes to the joint household. At least then she would be more responsible and your burden would be lightened. You sound like a very caring and a very level headed person. I'm rooting for you!

You're right Beyond. The age difference is a big factor. I know she needs to wisen up to how the world works. I try to tell her that but she has a fit every time because she doesn't like being called a kid or put down cuz of her age.

I started telling her I won't be able to get a new car I've been dreaming about because I am in too much credit card debt. I also didn't pay my phone bill for my pay as you go phone to demonstrate how broke I feel I am.

I let her move in with me so she wouldn't have to live in a dorm. She got a kick to the gut last year cuz she went to a private college then dropped out. Now with her new school, she didn't turn in her FinAid papers on time so has to do private loans (which aren't enough cuz tuition rose). I told her she needed to get outside help for stuff, and had her join a support site, but she hasn't used it for weeks.

I don't wanna sound like a bitch, but she really is naive/rose colored glasses in a lot of matters. I know it has to do with her being inexperienced at 19, but I can only take so much - thus why I've started withdrawing my affection and have mentioned she may need to go to the dorms.

Dancing, you must have posted while I wrote. I have tried to compromise. I told her she could just tell me how much she got each paycheck then we'd agree how much she'd give me. All I've asked is that she be open about it but she says she's too ashamed to cuz she makes so little. I understand this to a degree, but it still isn't an excuse to not put in extra effort considering. What I've done/will do for her.

Thanks for rooting for me! I prefer logic to emotion, so I try really try to be as objective and honest as I can about things. But because of that I often feel I can't be understood by her. I'm the type of person who lays everything out from day one. It's just hard getting to her because she's overly emotional and never "hears" what I try to say. I've compromised a lot with our relationship to accommodate her. I just wish she'd do the same for me.

Finances seems like its a big problem in alot of relationships. Rarely I would think it would be for partners to contribute equally, so there is going to be friction.

School is hard work, but its not uncommon for someone to go to school full time and work full time. Its very difficult and stressful, but its only for a few years until graduation.

Or if the relationship is one you think may be a life long one, you can support her a few years and then enjoy the rewards with her when she graduates.

But it seems like the financial thing has driven a wedge between you two, and that the love and caring is no longer flowing through that gap.

You need to try to repair that, or else you have to consider moving on.

You're not being a bitch! You're trying to stand up for yourself and there's nothing wrong with that! You shouldn't have to go into (or stay in) debt for a relationship. You try to be an adult and discuss adult matters and she throws a fit?!? This isn't the sign of someone who is mature. I hate to say it but you may have to go the tough love route and break things off. You're not her parent but I see you falling into that role.

And as someone with one private loan for school (fed loans didn't cover it all), she may later regret not filling out those forms which take all of ten minutes! Fed loans are a bit different and give you more Uhm, privileges let's say.

Luvmygirl4: I know going to school is hard. I worked and went to school my last year because I ran out of financial aid. But when she has enough time to play video games every day or watch tv, I know she can do more with trying to get hours at work. This whole summer she's had no classes yet hasn't really made an effort to excel further. I don't expect her to make what I do, but I expect her to step up to the plate if she wants to have this relationship as serious as she wants it to be.

At one point I wanted to marry her, but not anymore. I'm not "happily in love" and I'm not ready to take that step with her. This has just added more to the feeling that I cant trust and rely on her. We discussed how she could help out if she was short on money but she hasn't really done those things.

Beyond: She's aware of my issues with money because my ex totally flaked out while we were together so I had to pay for everything. She knows I hate feeling like I have to. Honestly, if I am going to be the sole provider, I feel that my partner needs to become a "housewife" and tend to the home everyday. I don't want to be the sole person putting in efforts.

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with because I have my own problems, but I'm actively working on them to try and better myself. I can't say the same about her. I've sacrificed my sexual identity for her and even allowed her to live with me knowing I have fear of commitment issues from my ex who beat me.

Yes she will get fussy whenever I say that I have more experience than her. I know it's signs of her immaturity. It's shown itself in other areas that I haven't been able to heal from. I know that I need to give tough love, which is why I'm so blunt around her, but that always causes her to get emotional and/or cry.

I've told her I feel like a parent and that I hate it. She's my best friend, and I dont want to lose that, but that's all I'm starting to see her as.

I feel like by just talking about it I'm complaining or being a bitch... I even question myself with "why can't you just shut up and take it" because no relationship is perfect and I don't think I'm even worth being loved. It's times like these where I hate having emotions and wish logic could rule everything in my life.

Well, love does paint over others faults, but faults like playing video games and not looking for work aren't really something you should have to live with. Relationships require 100% effort by both involved.

I understand getting home and wanting to relax, but she basically gets to sleep in till 11-noon every day and just plays games/watches tv till I get home. She often doesn't even want to go to work when she does get it because she wants to "spend time with me" cuz I work 40+ hrs a week.

She says having a car would make things easier for her (she rides the bus now if I don't take her) but in my mind she can't even afford insurance and I tell her she needs to make more before being able to do that.

I say what's honest and I don't fluff it up. If anything, I think that's my most damning quality. But I've lived with a mooch, I almost married him too. That's why this bugs me so bad. She's starting to remind me of him. She hates knowing that, but it's true to a degree.

A lot of what I say is true but she doesn't like how blunt I am about it but I believe honesty is the best policy.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm glad there are nice people on the site.

I'm going through something similar with my BF of 1.5 years. I've lent him so much money that I've screwed myself financially (my choice). He has a full-time job now but I'm still paying 100% of the household bills and entertainment expenses and he pays for his job expenses and $800 toward truck payment/insurance. I can't expect him to pay 50% of everything because he doesn't make enough but our compromise was he gives me a portion of his checks and the rest goes to him and if he overspends, he can't ask me to cover him. Although he's not contributing to paying off the debt he acquired, at least we don't fight over money anymore.

Like you, I'm very independent and he's co-dependent. Like you, it has made me resentful and made me start to put up a wall emotionally. However, I had to decide how much of it I could take and if he wasn't going to make an effort to compromise, then I had to decide if I wanted to be in a relationship that was unfair to the both of us. After a couple of weeks with the new plan, all seems to be working well. Sure, I'd love more help with the debt and bills but at least we were able to compromise.

I wish you well because financial stress can break relationships.

(BF is 9 years younger than I so I took that into consideration as well.)

well, its very stressful right now in this depression and i dont see why you want her to get a 2nd job that may be more stressful on her. i know you need more income coming out but getting more hours? really? whatever this job is, she is lucky to have a part time job and the company may or may not be able to give her more hours even if she asked for it.

i know what its like to be a student and having a part time job. i was stressed it was my first job back then in 05. i was inexperienced to never being taught about the work world and finding out the hard way. i struggled with jobs and trying "to live up the world's/company's expectations," it was too much for me. i was once part time student and part time employee.

after i left my job, i went back to full time student while looking for another job (long story not gonna get into it). yea, she does sound codependent and yea finances is killing your guys' relationship the root of all evil in relationships. i mean be happy she has a part time job, would you let her move in with you having no job? probably not.

i do agree how everything should be equal and she should try to help out. my partner and i are still looking for a job as he is gonna be moving in with his mother because his dad is gonna get married and move to another city across town and bf has no place to go as i still live at home.

where we live, it is nothing but crap jobs even the good paying ones only wanting those with tons of experience behind them and not a college grad like me. im 26 and feel i am ready to go back to work since i got my degree 2 yrs ago. i was like ur gf playing video games all the time whether i had a job or not. i havent done that in 3 yrs because of still job hunting and have a court issue next week.

TurdFurguson: That was me in my last relationship. Im still recovering from that. And with my current gf, I want to make her feel loved and adored. I try to take her out and treat her to things because its what I wish people would do for me as well. My ex never did anything for me in that regard, so I always try to make my lovers feel special.

I pay all the bills, and she gives me money throughout the month. I didnt demand that she pay half of everything from day one. I was very willing to compromise and make sure that we each pulled our weight in our own ways, but things have deteriorated in the past month or two. Its because of that which makes me view her more as a roommate and detach from the situation.

When my rig died a month ago and we were stranded, I had driven her across the state to view her cousin in a concert. I took time off work and got a nice hotel, even shifted my schedule to take her there the night before we were supposed to go because he flew in a day early, saved money up to treat her to a nice time and then my rig died. I had to max my card out and even use my student loan payment I was saving to pay for the repair. Financial issues are very stressful for me because of my past relationships, but also because I am terrified of something happening and being unable to take care of myself (due to credit card being maxed out).

She was great during the trip and was amazing at supporting me when my rig died, but within a week or two things had gone back to the way they were. I can be pretty needy when the right person makes me feel safe, because Ill open up emotionally, but Im very stubborn and independent almost all the time around her because she hasnt proven to be reliable in that regard for me. The age gap (five years) is a big contributor.

I know that Im at the cross roads where I have to figure out what I can take, thus why I am making her sleep in her room and when I come home I stay in my room to have private time so I can write here and get help. I really dont want to feel like this anymore.

Ladytiger: Actually, at least three people quit at her job, so I do believe she had an opportunity to try and market herself to her supervisors to try and move up in the store. She could have tried to apply for an on campus job through her college. Also, theres a JCP being put in town and was hiring right beside her current job. I mentioned it to her and she immediately curled her nose. There are quite a few jobs in our town because its an agricultural town, I just dont think shes motivated to try and increase her potential.

I know that times are tough. Last year I was living on $20 a week and going to school full time (while leading my team in campus-wide research project for a conference). Im lucky to have gotten the job that I have right now, Ive worked hard to have it. I understand that things are crappy, which is why I asked her to be more open about things, but she still choses to not do so, leading to even more issues.

Before I agreed to let my partner move in with me, we talked about all of these issues and I expressed to her how to help contribute to things in a non-financial way because her job status was unknown (she transferred it up here when she moved). My job causes lots of stress for me (for various reasons) so I need my partner to be supportive and help reduce the stress in my personal life. She has massive problems with communicating effectively which causes more stress for me.

I hope that you are able to find a job soon! This economy is very poor right now and there are lots of people who deserve jobs.

hmmm, well she may be able to make some kind of initiative to the manager about her grow and willingness to move up in the company. then again, they have to see if she is a hard worker and if they can afford to move her up a little bit in the company.

i have applied to JCP before couldn't even get into the company this was during the holiday season wasn't hard work! AZ is an agricultural state i mean there are high paying jobs but you have to the education/skills/experiences/lic/certs other than that mostly agricultural.

not easy to even get a job here in AZ its more low paying than ever. tons of ppl i have spoken have always complain in their lifetime how they could never make ends meet and i dont know if some of them were living beyond their means (trying to keep up with the rich) or were conservative on their money but still couldnt keep up with their bills.

well, then you may have to end the relationship and treat her like a friend/roomie. maybe whatever could be bothering or whatever is going on, maybe you two need to be apart for a while tell her why you would want to do that see what she says and listen to her speak about how she feels.

if she gets everything in order, then see if its worth getting back together. ur 24 right? at 24, u would be at a different place than a 19 yr old would be and sometimes someone younger can be at the same place as someone who is a few years older and im only 26. with ur gf, yea she is not on the same page as you.