Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My daughter is about to be 5 and her father has never met her. His choice He provides support and we are civil. He has said a few times he has thought about meeting her but would complicate his life. When I conceieved he had just started dating his present girlfriend who I had no idea existed. SHe knows about my daughter but no one in his family does and I do not think it should come from me.
Him and I have had an on and off relationship for 21 years. He states he has never had feelings for me other then....well just wanting an intimate relationship. He provides child support and medical insurance although he complains about his financial troubles. He has become complacent in his relationship with his girlfriend. I only know this as we have recently begun an intimate relationship again and ever chance he gets.....every time he is not with her that is....he is messaging me inappropriate messages. It is non-stop all day. He still states he is "happy" with her and does not want any further involvement with my daughter and does not want things to go beyond sex with me.
Now, logically I can see this is a toxic relationship, but I do not know how to cut ties with him as I subconsciously hope for more. He admits he confides in me thoughts and ideas he cannot share with others and he has shared intimate moments that he has not with others, but because of the fact I had my daughter when he himself did not desire a child he wont let it go. He said he could picture something more if it were not for the animosity he has towards me because I chose to continue with my pregnancy and raise a child on my own.
I am at a loss and do not understand my own situation. Please help me figure a way to break the toxic cycle I have put myself in. I want to do better for myself and set a better example for my child. She has no idea who he is but I know what I am doing is wrong for both myself and for her especially if remains a non-existant parent. Thank you in advance.
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Just had an interesting conversation with ChatGPT! It was kind of like talking kindly to myself. You should get the App. It's free.
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I do this great brain hack when I am obsessing about something or someone. I tell myself that "we are not talking about that now". I say it out loud, firmly. Somehow, it works!
It’s one thing that he chooses to not to be in his child’s life. I don’t condone that but I do feel it’s his choice as much as it was your choice to keep your baby and be her mom. But it’s a whole other thing to give him permission to use you and exploit a situation. That’s really on you, do you know what I mean?
So maybe the way to stop is set hope aside and deal with what is the reality: If he really were that interested in being more he would be already. Believe him when he says he wants nothing more from you than sex and has no interest in your daughter. I know that’s hard to come to terms with that but in order to create a healthy situation for you and your kid, you have to.
If you really are struggling doing that then I’d seek counseling to help you.
But now everyone is an adult, and it's especially important to think of your daughter. He could suddenly want to be in her life, he could tell her who he is before she is ready to hear this information.... all kinds of things could happen. I am sure you don't want her to be in the middle of this, at age 5.
I get that you have been friends with benefits with him, maybe because he just feels familiar? Maybe you have not had any other intimate partners? But as you said yourself, you know this is not a good situation. It clouds your rational thinking. And it could end very badly, so why not do you and your daughter a favor, as RMB said, and stop being intimate with him? Are you secretly hoping that one day you will all be one big happy family? Nothing wrong with having that hope, that fantasy... but most likely never going to happen that way. He is seeing someone else, you go see someone else. He is/has moved on.... you need to move on as well.
If he is opposed to having children then HE should be taking precautions.... He's a grown man
To have animus towards your child when she's five now is really disturbing....
This is a little girl who he helped to create and he feels animus at this point... I think your loyalties should be with your daughter
He's now messing around on someone who he supposedly has a commitment with....
I don't think that he has much of a character … He seems to have something of a cruel streak?? at least from what I'm reading
I also think the way we treat ourselves is often the way others treat us..... You deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity
There's help for you if your self esteem is suffering
I agree to just stop and if you need to I would see a therapist to help you....
Big hug.... ..xo
My concern is for your child. You need professional help. I doubt anyone here has the skills to reach you. I have no idea what has happened to you in your past, but you can overcome it. Good luck to you.