Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My boyfriend and I did the long distance thing for about a year and he moved back to where I am (and in with me) about a month ago. Things have been great for the most part and I love having him back. A friend of ours set him up with a good job and between the two of us, we make a more than decent living.
So now this...that same friend helped him set up a job working in a bar once a week. He used to work as a bartender for many years before he had to move last year and it caused problems with us in the past. Girls coming around night after night because they thought he was hot, ex-girlfriends showing up, ex-flings showing up...it was a lot to deal with. It was one of the only things that I was relieved about when he moved...no more bar. He does not need this job. He's paid the same amount that I am, but I am paying the rent, utilities, etc. and also have a car payment that he does not have. There is still plenty left over after that. I'm frustrated because the place he got the job isn't exactly high class and I just don't think I can stomach going through this again. He never asked what I thought of the idea or asked how I felt about it, he just told them he would do it. I didn't even know that he had gone down to talk to the manager until one of my friends texted and asked if I was coming down as well. I don't know that he would have even told me if he hadn't figured my friend would say something to me.
I don't want another bar in our lives. There's nothing good that comes out of it. I bartended for a few years in college in a couple of different places and it's never IF the problems start, it's WHEN. I don't think its a healthy thing to have in a serious relationship. Yes, I could be paranoid, but he didn't have the best track record when he was younger...he treated a lot of girls like crap (which he admits to) and it's hard to shake that from your mind. When alcohol gets thrown into the game, disaster usually follows.
I did try talking to him about and he only asked why I hadn't said something sooner. He never gave me the chance! I'm hurt, frustrated, and feel like he can't just...grow up. He's 33 years old and I don't understand the incessant need to work in a bar when he already has a good job. He has some debts right now, but this place isn't going to generate more than $50 a week in income. It's not even worth the drive over...
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
You pay all the rent and utilities, he makes a similar amount of money as yourself, and you don't trust that he is faithful to you. And he wastes resources bartending?
Why is he still your BF?
I'm assuming he's not paying his share of the rent and utilities just temporarily, until he gets back on his feet. At least I hope that's the case. Maybe once he's more into his day job grind, he may feel he doesn't need the bar job. The only thing I can see with him continuing to bar tend now, is if he's trying to reconnect with his friends since moving back, or a way to get out for a bit. I'm not defending it, just can see how he may see it as a way to hang out once a week with pals.
I don't know. A few nights a week, or a weekend is a different deal. One night a week, I'm not sure it's a problem. But yes, he should have told you he was looking into working there. That part would bug me probably more than anything else.
Maybe you can negotiate with him some terms, ie. he works one night a week at the bar, but doesn't drink while working, and doesn't stay beyond his shift, something like that.
The bar isn't even a place that his friends go to. They either don't go out much anymore or they stay in the downtown area of our town, whereas this is on the outskirts. I know he's anxious about catching up on debt, but like I said...this is not a money maker. The hopes for it are unrealistic (I've lived in the area for a long time and know the crowd) but he thinks he's going to be doing better.
And would he tolerate you bartending at a net loss to income?
Would he also tolerate having a girlfriend with debts so high that she used them as reasons for not contributing resources to the household expenses?
At what point would he realize that he may be getting taken advantage of?
See where I'm going with this?
That said, if it's strictly about a night out, no worries, right?