Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi all,
Just wanted thoughts/feedback on not going to mil's Thanksgiving. There is a lot of past emotional abuse from her towards me and our son, who's 6. She is not abusive towards our daughter, who's almost 10. My husband is attached to his mother, and we can only discuss anything involving my mil with a counselor. Even then, he's very defensive which does little to no good. I've learned to avoid her and when she invites our daughter over it's preset that my husband accompanies her to avoid my mil's manipulations and pressure to do things my daughter knows aren't ok. Our daughter has mild autism and severe sensory processing disorder. Our son isn't invited as he confronts my mil (mom and dad say that's not ok or you need to ask mom/dad not me) making her mad. I would like to skip Thanksgiving for my emotional protection. Also, dealing with her always causes issues between hubby and myself after when we get home. As is, he's stomping around ticked off because I asked when his mom planned to do her Thanksgiving dinner so I could plan ahead. He's not like that in any other matter not involving mil. Thoughts? We will be doing Christmas at her house too, and plan to attend that.
A little background is my mil has been divorced almost 4 years. My fil suffers from sex addiction, and my husband has always taken care of his mother since about 10 years old. Our counselor calls it "the little husband" syndrome. There's 4 children in my husband's family. His brother divorced his first wife after 15 years of marriage. There were many issues with first wife and mil. He remarried 4 1/2 years ago and protects his wife when she does come never leaving her alone. His wife comes once every other Christmas and they live about 4 hours away. My husband has 2 younger sisters. One rarely comes to family holidays anymore, if she does its brief, and they schedule their family vacation over Christmas to avoid the holiday (she's admitted this). The youngest is very attached to mom as well mainly because of the great financial support she gives her. All others are financially independent of mom and none are very close with dad. We see my fil 2x a year.
So, bottom line question...feelings on skipping mil's Thanksgiving but allowing hubby to go with kids to it.
Just wanted thoughts/feedback on not going to mil's Thanksgiving. There is a lot of past emotional abuse from her towards me and our son, who's 6. She is not abusive towards our daughter, who's almost 10. My husband is attached to his mother, and we can only discuss anything involving my mil with a counselor. Even then, he's very defensive which does little to no good. I've learned to avoid her and when she invites our daughter over it's preset that my husband accompanies her to avoid my mil's manipulations and pressure to do things my daughter knows aren't ok. Our daughter has mild autism and severe sensory processing disorder. Our son isn't invited as he confronts my mil (mom and dad say that's not ok or you need to ask mom/dad not me) making her mad. I would like to skip Thanksgiving for my emotional protection. Also, dealing with her always causes issues between hubby and myself after when we get home. As is, he's stomping around ticked off because I asked when his mom planned to do her Thanksgiving dinner so I could plan ahead. He's not like that in any other matter not involving mil. Thoughts? We will be doing Christmas at her house too, and plan to attend that.
A little background is my mil has been divorced almost 4 years. My fil suffers from sex addiction, and my husband has always taken care of his mother since about 10 years old. Our counselor calls it "the little husband" syndrome. There's 4 children in my husband's family. His brother divorced his first wife after 15 years of marriage. There were many issues with first wife and mil. He remarried 4 1/2 years ago and protects his wife when she does come never leaving her alone. His wife comes once every other Christmas and they live about 4 hours away. My husband has 2 younger sisters. One rarely comes to family holidays anymore, if she does its brief, and they schedule their family vacation over Christmas to avoid the holiday (she's admitted this). The youngest is very attached to mom as well mainly because of the great financial support she gives her. All others are financially independent of mom and none are very close with dad. We see my fil 2x a year.
So, bottom line question...feelings on skipping mil's Thanksgiving but allowing hubby to go with kids to it.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
That being said, is your husband going to his mother's home alone an option? Maybe "visiting strategies" is something that should be addressed with the help of your counselor.
It seems a shame to me to miss out on Thanksgiving dinner with your very own children because your MIL is a pain in the butt!
" He who angers you, controls you" I think I read that in a fortune cookie once.. ha ha
Is there anyway you can psych yourself out to view her as a grouchy stranger on this one day? make small talk with anyone else who happens to be there, engage your son and daughter in conversations while you're there, focus in on the people you like and converse with them.
I think lots of times we box ourselves into thinking about things in just one way and believing there is only one certain way to view things. We trap ourselves into drama when this happens.
I feel the base of your issues though it may not seem like it to you are rooted in your sense of wanting to "Control" other people.
I say this in a supportive way because I suffer from the same issue.
Just look at your last sentence. you used the word "Allowing" what is up with that?
I bet your kids would be way more comfortable being there with you, sitting at the table making shapes in the mashed potatoes, laughing and having a good time.
good luck!
Yes, you're right. I absolutely do try to control and minimize the time our kids see their grandmother. To be fair, they see her far more than any of the other 3 grandparents combined. About every 3 months. I continue to work on that. Hence, the agreement that my daughter can go with hubby when invited (our son is not invited except major holidays). It provides some relief of my fear (issue is fear of what will happen due to the past which manifests into my control issues with the kids and her).
My biggest issue with going is dealing with the trouble it causes between my husband and I after. No matter what, I'm wrong and am given the silent treatment as he stomps around and pouts.
This doesn't sound like a MIL problem; it sounds like a husband problem.
If I say anything bad about her it angers my husband. If I try to point out that she is wrong to do a b or c... it angers my husband.
After years of drama, I am making really good progress on choosing actions and words that don't create drama for me.
I have given up the want to make other people take my side. I'm trying to up the need to make other people see just how horrible and selfish and creepy she is! lol
I don't worry about what evil plan she is hatching. ( it used to drive me crazy)
When you say.. It will cause trouble between my husband and me.. be honest with yourself. Does he really get angry and stomp around because you talk about how his Mother makes good stuffing? Or are you talking about how she is "wrong" about something and you are "right".
Think of it as giving your husband and children a gift. The gift of not trying to get them to share your opinion and feeling about their Mom and Grandmother.
I realize how difficult it is... I struggle with it too.
Last time my sister in law was at my house I couldn't help myself and I told her that her "Bubble letters" ( she was drawing with my niece" were wrong! lol... she held them up and I said all snarky... " No, those aren't right" ha ha ....Hey, I try, but I'm no saint.
anywho.. Don't let your hate for your MIL be stronger than your love for your husband and children!
I definitely see your point, but I'm not going to change him. It's not even a mil issue exactly. It's what it is. More of an issue of emotional protection and safety while avoiding drama. Lol.
Thanks to my job, I volunteer to work most holidays and just say that " sorry, I am working that day" when there is a family dinner.
It may not be the best way to deal With it, but I don't want to be around certain family Members of my SO.
Do you have an option to do something on that day?
My reasoning is this - my SO's family was there before I came along. I am not going intervene in their family dynamic and aggravate myself even more.
I also had major issues with my ex MIL, my daughter used to get really upset with her and I told her that yes, grandma is wrong and this is not a good way to do X, y and Z. However, this is the only grandmother you have, she has issues, but she is family.
Recognize that you did nothing wrong, we can't change an 80 y o person, we can just feel compassion for someone who is having such serious issues that make them so bitter and angry.
New to this group but not ds. Before my mil passed she was a big wedge in my marriage for many reasons. I understand wanting to enjoy the holiday without the person who doesn't like you and causes issues.
Good luck.
Good to see you.
What do you mean she's abusive to your six year old???
SunCloud, the abuse is mostly emotional. Putting him down compared to her friends sons or grandsons. Excluding him from birthday parties she throws for my sister inlaw's kids but demanding our daughter's presence, not getting him a birthday gift (which shouldn't be needed but gives lavish ones to our daughter like a table/desk for her room with chairs to study at or a nice wooden rocker). She is also known for screaming and yelling or losing her cool when grandchildren do not follow her wishes exactly (like our daughter was taking a break in a quiet dark room due to sensory issues with autism so mil told our son to get his sister, but he refused knowing she was to be left alone per my instructions, mil knew this too hence why she told our son to get her. When he refused she yelled and got a cousin his age to do it which he was informed that he should be like the cousin). The list goes on and on. Unfortunately, she props up daughter's and granddaughters, and guilt trips sons and grandsons terribly. The only older grandson and other son than my husband see very little of the family.