Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
You would never think that this would be that big of a problem, but my husband is a terrible procrastinator in many areas. In some areas he is NOT. He does pay the bills. He goes to work on time. He works hard to make a living and pay the bills on time. He is not a slob. He doesn't come home drunk or cheat on me. He doesn't lie to me.... He is a wonderful man. I love him dearly.
The problem is ... He is a procrastinator and I am not.
We have butted heads on this for 13 years... since we met.
I do not expect him to get involved in my projects or help me around the house. I have a part time job from home but I do not expect him to come home from work and do a lot of chores bc I am home all day. I do have RA and CFS... this does limit me much more than I want it to... but I am still capable of many things if I get enough rest.
Where we butt heads is when I want to paint a room, he throws a fit. He has not spoken to me for days bc I painted over the 1950s wall paper in the kitchen when I moved into his house. Even though he said I could. He was mad when I painted the hallway. He was mad when I hired someone to help me rake the backyard bc I am sometimes too ill to do great physical work. But HE wouldn't do it. He won't spray the weeds ... He let the fence fall down and would NOT call someone to fix it or fix it himself until I yelled at him that we are NOT white trash. WE have the money to fix it.
He gets mad if I rearrange furniture. He doesn't like it if I want things done.... like have our 1950s kitchen cabinets repainted ... they are stained and old and need some atteention but he doesn't want me or anyone else to do it. HE doesn't want to do it. I have the money to have it done.
He was mad when I put a rock garden in the front yard even though the ground was DIRT and not grass.
He does NOT want me to touch the house... even though I am here all day long. If i hire work done... he gets even MADDER. WE had a dead tree in the backyard that I have wanted cut down for 13 years. He won't let me call someone to have it cut down.
I do NOT understand this. I just do not get it. He wants me to live in a house that I do not fix or change. He even would not let me clean in the beginning of our marriage. But he finally lets me clean now.
I do not get it. I have come very very close to leaving bc I get so depressed sitting in a house that i do not have permission to do anything to... or make improvements.
WE have gone around this merry go round over and over and over.
He won't get counseling.
I've said everything to try to make sense. I've even decided to not care about the house... but i became very very depressed. I can't live like this any more.
It's like he is a control freak... but he says that I am. I just don't understand. I grew up in a family that worked hard to keep our house updated and nice. I don't know how to live in a place that is like this when we have over $100K in just savings. He won't spend it.
I don't get it. But I'm ready to leave.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I would already be gone but I am on disability and I have no way of supporting myself. He does. I have no where to go. I left one other time. I left for 8 months. It did help for a while. I know he will never change. But I have become so depressed that I have a "plan".... I told him he will come home and find me gone. He wanted to know what that meant... I said 1. either gone from this house or 2. you will find me dead in the garage.
I am tired of being controlled over just something like a coat of paint on kitchen cabinets. He has already taken so many things from me.
He won't travel. We go on no vacations . He takes no time off. It costs money to do that.
He won't have sex. We had sex the first year of marriage but he didn't like it. He took that away from me. He wld rather have porn.
I was handed RA and CFS in life. I'm so tired of things being taken from me.
I feel like I have lost so much. What good does it do to have 100 thousand dollars in the bank and have things broken and dead trees? I don't get it.
Sort of like a child in some ways.... "It's all about what I want"
It reads like it's all about him and his wants and needs...…
I would have a sit down if it were me I think when things are calm..... You can let him know how "I feel"
As opposed to what he does or doesn't do.... If it starts out 'you do this or you do that the other person has their back up from the get go
Stating that I feel as though this isn't my home and that I often don't feel welcome or that I have any input and it hurts me and pushes me away ( I think may perhaps get you heard easier)….. Perhaps?
I couldn't live like this ongoing either.... A therapist can also help you to actually 'hear' one another
Big hug.... I wish you well trying to figure out what's next
it’s probably a displaced frustration. I would probably be frustrated too.
I have talked to him on NUMEROUS occasions about how I feel. It has gotten me NO WHERE>
I know counseling won't work ... and i refuse to go just by myself.
I told him today that I never want to see hit FITS again. He has thrown 2 fits in front of Anna, my housekeeper. He has met her on 3 occasions. I just told him that from now on when she is here that he will have to go somewhere else to throw his FIT. That's all it is... a big baby fit.
It's going to run her off.
I told him if it doesn't change, I WILL leave again. I won't divorce him, but I will leave... I can go to my mom's or find a roommate and stay somewhere else.
I am fed up.
marriage without emotional & physical intimacy is pointless, he wants neither
most people need/crave both
i think you do
you won't get it in the house that he never made your home
And a sexless marriage ... I've had to compromise on that too.
Yes. I'm finally giving him ultimatums. I hate doing it but I can't sit in this hole any more.
Thank you. This is all starting to give me clarity.
And we have fought about this for eleven years. And he has won all o the arguments. I've given in most of the time.
But now it's my turn to have some things the way I want them.
With our 38th anniversary around the corner, I'm still taking it one round at a time. Let me know if you find a better way. I'm wishing for one. Just wishing. . .
I don't know what you would be entitled to financially … I guess it depends on length of marriage, what's legal where you are
I've been divorced and I can tell you that living in a tiny space without a lot BUT peace of mind is far richer then living in a hell of a marriage any day of the week