Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
You would never think that this would be that big of a problem, but my husband is a terrible procrastinator in many areas. In some areas he is NOT. He does pay the bills. He goes to work on time. He works hard to make a living and pay the bills on time. He is not a slob. He doesn't come home drunk or cheat on me. He doesn't lie to me.... He is a wonderful man. I love him dearly.
The problem is ... He is a procrastinator and I am not.
We have butted heads on this for 13 years... since we met.
I do not expect him to get involved in my projects or help me around the house. I have a part time job from home but I do not expect him to come home from work and do a lot of chores bc I am home all day. I do have RA and CFS... this does limit me much more than I want it to... but I am still capable of many things if I get enough rest.
Where we butt heads is when I want to paint a room, he throws a fit. He has not spoken to me for days bc I painted over the 1950s wall paper in the kitchen when I moved into his house. Even though he said I could. He was mad when I painted the hallway. He was mad when I hired someone to help me rake the backyard bc I am sometimes too ill to do great physical work. But HE wouldn't do it. He won't spray the weeds ... He let the fence fall down and would NOT call someone to fix it or fix it himself until I yelled at him that we are NOT white trash. WE have the money to fix it.
He gets mad if I rearrange furniture. He doesn't like it if I want things done.... like have our 1950s kitchen cabinets repainted ... they are stained and old and need some atteention but he doesn't want me or anyone else to do it. HE doesn't want to do it. I have the money to have it done.
He was mad when I put a rock garden in the front yard even though the ground was DIRT and not grass.
He does NOT want me to touch the house... even though I am here all day long. If i hire work done... he gets even MADDER. WE had a dead tree in the backyard that I have wanted cut down for 13 years. He won't let me call someone to have it cut down.
I do NOT understand this. I just do not get it. He wants me to live in a house that I do not fix or change. He even would not let me clean in the beginning of our marriage. But he finally lets me clean now.
I do not get it. I have come very very close to leaving bc I get so depressed sitting in a house that i do not have permission to do anything to... or make improvements.
WE have gone around this merry go round over and over and over.
He won't get counseling.
I've said everything to try to make sense. I've even decided to not care about the house... but i became very very depressed. I can't live like this any more.
It's like he is a control freak... but he says that I am. I just don't understand. I grew up in a family that worked hard to keep our house updated and nice. I don't know how to live in a place that is like this when we have over $100K in just savings. He won't spend it.
I don't get it. But I'm ready to leave.
I am drowning in depression bc I have put up for so long. One of the main reasons I don't leave is bc I am on disability. I have RA and CFS and I lost the ability to support myself. I lost my job 9 years ago when I was diagnosed.
I was housebound and in a bed for one whole year. I can work part time now, but not enough to support a rent/ bills / etc.
He knows this. But if there is a will, there is a way.
I told him today that i am very close to leaving and getting a lawyer and suing him for 13 years of his retirement, and half of the house and putting the house on the market and leaving. He said that he knows that. I was shocked he even knew that much.
He said he would start counseling and start making phone calls on Monday to get help for us or for himself. He said he knows he is controlling about the house. Other than that, he doesn't care. It's weird. He never complains about my hair, my clothing, my friends, my hobbies... it's just the damn HOUSE. It is very very weird to me. He said even HE DOES NOT understand why he does this.
His self esteem is very low but I told him there is nothing I can do about that. The responsiblity is his to get help w/ that. He constantly berates himself. It's a control thing to me...to make me feel sorry for him.
So, I will see... if he calls to get us help. If he DOES go get help... and if he follows thru. I am willing to give it 3 more months. After that 3 to 6 months, then I can start seeing if he is following thru. I am willing to make change, too.
I have been going to Al Anon for 7 years and it has helped ME alot w/ my own peace of mind and happiness. I do not work outside of the home. I need something at home to make me feel like a productive human being.
So, he is at least aware now. I told him. I told him 2 weeks ago that I was leaving if there were any more fits. I told him today / since there was a FIT yesterday / that there needs to be some action taken ASAP. And I am leaving on Monday for the week. I will be gone for the week and I am also looking into working as a housesitter.... I have a job lined up for next month already.
So, I am ready to make my moves if I do not see action VERY SOON>
I have put up... now I'm not going to shut up.
Thank you everyone for your insight and time to answer. It has given me much food for thought and I know I am angry and no way I can portray all of it in just a forum. So thank you for your precious time of even reading and answering.
I appreciate it very much.
Ginger