Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I truly believe my family is broken. I also think that I am broken and simply unable to understand people and how to maintain positive family relationships. It seems that I am unable to have a strong, meaningful relationship with most of my family and since I am the common denominator, I have to wonder if it's just me.
I used to have a good relationship with 2 of my 4 brothers but those have now fell by the wayside. The other 2 brothers and I have never really had a great relationship. I am the only female, btw. I had a very contentious relationship with my mother but so did everyone else. My dad is pretty passive but he tends to involve himself in family issues by openly discussing things he should keep to himself.
Brother # 1 died a few years ago. No real relationship with him. He was grown by the time I was born and claimed we had nothing in common with a kid.
Brother #2 had been a criminal since he was 14 years old. In and out of state prison, stole anything that wasn't tied down to buy pot and booze. Tried to molest me when I was 16 and then spent the next 30 years denying it and wondering out loud to others why I wouldn't give him the time of day. I simply wasn't comfortable around a child molester and thief. For 30 years, I have had to hear about how hard it is to have a nice family get together because of all the tension I cause and why can't I just be friends with #2 ? I don't say anything however I just can't force myself to hug #2 and pretend we're pals although I'm civil. I already avoid situations that might prove uncomfortable so short of never visiting my fathers house ever again, I don't know what else to do.
Brother #3 and I had a very good relationship till he got mixed up with hard core drugs a few years ago. He told everyone that I stole his "inheritance" although my mother didn't leave him anything when she passed. Not once has he tried to have a discussion with me however he has the energy to drag me through the mud with my entire family, including extended family he hadn't spoken to in over 25 years. I feel like I've been tried and condemned in the court of public opinion and I'm exhausted by the entire issue which has been going on for 3 years now. The fact that my brother is screwed up on Meth is casually swept under the rug while my family comments that I need to "fix" this. I can't give what isn't there. I don't feel like I should have to defend myself against the ravings of a meth addict but that is what I've done since I can't believe anyone would think for one second that I would take something that isn't mine. I haven't before so why assume so now.
Brother #4 and I had our falling out 6 months ago. He is gay and took exception to a comment I made about a news item we were discussing. It was related to "Memories Pizza" and I commented that anyone who threatens harm to others because they disagree with their viewpoint is crazy. He took exception and screamed that I was a homophobe. Frankly, I have never been homophobic and have always been supportive of him but apparently, that news item was a hot button issue for him. Since we had discussions about things in the news similar to that before, I was surprised by his reaction. It was an ugly encounter and although I regret reacting to his accusations, I am angry that it was an issue to begin with. Since then, my so-called homophobia has been shared with the rest of the family, as usual. He also used his anger at me as an excuse to spread a few other rumors which were untrue and caused undue stress for my dad. I might have been able to work through the original issue with #4 but the "bonus" bull crap that followed really added insult to injury.
One thing I have always faulted my family for is their willingness to spread the gossip like a plague in an effort to gather people to their "side" of a an issue. It keeps nonsense going and makes it hard to resolve problems. It's bad enough to have a problem with one person. Fighting the opinions of those who have only heard one side of a story adds fuel to the fire and creates hard feelings which are hard to overcome.
I truly want to make peace with brothers # 3 and 4 but I feel like it is always up to me to fix things and frankly, I am resentful of the fact that these 2 guys launched the attack yet seem disinterested in resolving things. I'm also angry and hurt that my character has been dragged through the mud by both of them. I'm just tired of all the drama and frankly, I am too old for this nonsense and the stress it creates. I have cried a river over these issues for way too long. I cry for what could have been in addition for what is.
Our family dynamic is complicated and crazy-making. I just want to find some level of peace in my own life. It hurts me to no end that my family is like it is and I stupidly hold out hope of someday having a slightly normal relationship with #3 and #4. I just don't know what to do.
I think that I am a responsible, hard-working adult and a decent, caring human being but somehow my family makes me feel like I am just an A$$hole who can't go along to get along. Any words of insight would be helpful.
I used to have a good relationship with 2 of my 4 brothers but those have now fell by the wayside. The other 2 brothers and I have never really had a great relationship. I am the only female, btw. I had a very contentious relationship with my mother but so did everyone else. My dad is pretty passive but he tends to involve himself in family issues by openly discussing things he should keep to himself.
Brother # 1 died a few years ago. No real relationship with him. He was grown by the time I was born and claimed we had nothing in common with a kid.
Brother #2 had been a criminal since he was 14 years old. In and out of state prison, stole anything that wasn't tied down to buy pot and booze. Tried to molest me when I was 16 and then spent the next 30 years denying it and wondering out loud to others why I wouldn't give him the time of day. I simply wasn't comfortable around a child molester and thief. For 30 years, I have had to hear about how hard it is to have a nice family get together because of all the tension I cause and why can't I just be friends with #2 ? I don't say anything however I just can't force myself to hug #2 and pretend we're pals although I'm civil. I already avoid situations that might prove uncomfortable so short of never visiting my fathers house ever again, I don't know what else to do.
Brother #3 and I had a very good relationship till he got mixed up with hard core drugs a few years ago. He told everyone that I stole his "inheritance" although my mother didn't leave him anything when she passed. Not once has he tried to have a discussion with me however he has the energy to drag me through the mud with my entire family, including extended family he hadn't spoken to in over 25 years. I feel like I've been tried and condemned in the court of public opinion and I'm exhausted by the entire issue which has been going on for 3 years now. The fact that my brother is screwed up on Meth is casually swept under the rug while my family comments that I need to "fix" this. I can't give what isn't there. I don't feel like I should have to defend myself against the ravings of a meth addict but that is what I've done since I can't believe anyone would think for one second that I would take something that isn't mine. I haven't before so why assume so now.
Brother #4 and I had our falling out 6 months ago. He is gay and took exception to a comment I made about a news item we were discussing. It was related to "Memories Pizza" and I commented that anyone who threatens harm to others because they disagree with their viewpoint is crazy. He took exception and screamed that I was a homophobe. Frankly, I have never been homophobic and have always been supportive of him but apparently, that news item was a hot button issue for him. Since we had discussions about things in the news similar to that before, I was surprised by his reaction. It was an ugly encounter and although I regret reacting to his accusations, I am angry that it was an issue to begin with. Since then, my so-called homophobia has been shared with the rest of the family, as usual. He also used his anger at me as an excuse to spread a few other rumors which were untrue and caused undue stress for my dad. I might have been able to work through the original issue with #4 but the "bonus" bull crap that followed really added insult to injury.
One thing I have always faulted my family for is their willingness to spread the gossip like a plague in an effort to gather people to their "side" of a an issue. It keeps nonsense going and makes it hard to resolve problems. It's bad enough to have a problem with one person. Fighting the opinions of those who have only heard one side of a story adds fuel to the fire and creates hard feelings which are hard to overcome.
I truly want to make peace with brothers # 3 and 4 but I feel like it is always up to me to fix things and frankly, I am resentful of the fact that these 2 guys launched the attack yet seem disinterested in resolving things. I'm also angry and hurt that my character has been dragged through the mud by both of them. I'm just tired of all the drama and frankly, I am too old for this nonsense and the stress it creates. I have cried a river over these issues for way too long. I cry for what could have been in addition for what is.
Our family dynamic is complicated and crazy-making. I just want to find some level of peace in my own life. It hurts me to no end that my family is like it is and I stupidly hold out hope of someday having a slightly normal relationship with #3 and #4. I just don't know what to do.
I think that I am a responsible, hard-working adult and a decent, caring human being but somehow my family makes me feel like I am just an A$$hole who can't go along to get along. Any words of insight would be helpful.
-
Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
-
We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Also any need to get an apology or change their point of view.
If you can get to the most basic emotion of you miss them and desire their company, that is the feeling from which you should operate....
From what you've typed about Brother #3, why do you want to be in his company? Brother # 4 sounds like a more simple solution because he was the one offended and it might be possible to extend an apology and explanation that your comments were misunderstood and you are not homophobic.
In any case... The only person in this scenario that you can control, is yourself. It sounds simple but it's very difficult for humans to realize that. We always seem to think .." If you would just do this... or not do that.. in other words we blame the other people. We feel their actions and views are "wrong" .. so if we can't get past that and just let them be them and STILL desire their company. We may as well just stay estranged... cause we won't be happy in their company.
I can really relate to this topic and I struggle with the same issue of desiring a close family and not feeling the hurt of misunderstandings and different perceptions on life.... it's hard to focus on love and kindness and let the hurt go... that is why so many families are torn apart.
Good luck!
This is not the best possible scenario, of course. I wish for you to mend your relationship with your brothers if possible, but if the process starts to poison your life, maybe it is a good idea to re-evaluate if the process is worth it.
In kicking someone out of our life for their "toxic" parts, we lose the good parts too.
We have to decide for ourselves what we can and can not tolerate.
Often I've observed people making demands on the relative they deem "toxic" sort of like.. "if you don't change the very core of who you are, say what I want you to say, be who I want you to be... we are done"
That is just impossible. I totally understand that it HURTS to be around someone who sees the world differently and can't validate our truths, but it also hurts to have a broken family.
Sort of like taking a medicine that helps us with the pain in one way, put causes lots of unpleasant side effects.. It's all about the Risk to benefit ratio. It's not really that intact families who get along and gather together are full of perfect people, they aren't more lucky that their family is full of "normal" people.. they just pick their battles and know that they are in charge of what triggers them, things are only as important as we want them to be.
Now of course I'm not talking about extreme family situations like heinous abuse or something, more like the situations where one person is trying to force an apology out of another person or make them admit that they were wrong etc... Like Dr. Phil always says.. " Do we want to be happy, or do we want to be Right" lots of people give up happiness for the hollow feeling of self righteousness, very sad and I'm sure the only one who ends up smiling in those situations is the devil! ( or evil in general for those who aren't prone to visualizing the devil as a real thing.. ha ha #pleasedon'tthinkI'mcrazy......)
again, good luck, puddin!
I understand! That sounds like a bad situation. We all have to make our decisions on what is right for us. I would never pretend to know or judge what you were going through.
From your posts here, I know you have a good heart!
My mother remarried when I was 7 years old and with that came two stepbrothers. I was a little kid and soooo excited to have more siblings. They didn't really feel the same, being 7 and 12 years older than me. For most of my life, I did everything to feel included with them. I attended their weddings, babysat their children, listened to their problems and offered advice. When I was 26, I decided that I'd had enough. I wasn't trying anymore. If they needed anything, they were on their own. Honestly, they seemed a little shell shocked that I was suddenly so indifferent to them, but they've put in more effort in the last two years than they ever had before. Who knows if they just took the situation for granted, but it took me throwing my arms up and saying "screw it" for them to start to coming around.
I did not have a relationship for years with my dad. He was an alcoholic and terrible father and so difficult to be around. My three brothers (I'm the only female as well) were able to maintain a relationship with him but they were better at navigating his foolishness. Every time I was around him, my anxiety would go through the roof and I'd feel sick to my stomach. So I did finally say to him at one point, when I was in my 20s, we can't have a relationship if you're drinking. And he couldn't not drink so we never ended up reconciling. Do I feel guilty? No. Do I feel I was right or wrong? Neither. Do I regret it? No. It was actually very freeing for me, sort of a relief. My sanity, my sense of self worth and my need for peace, was stronger than my need to have him in my life. That's really the bottom line. I loved him because was my dad but as Tina Turner said, what's love got to do with it? My dad passed away a few years ago. I didn't feel guilt. I didn't feel like oh why didn't I try harder. I felt I guess just sad for him that he could never get sober.
Anyway I sometimes think you have to just look at things practically speaking, as they are now, not how you'd wish they would be or how they were in the past. You can't change people. And god knows you don't have to be around people who treat you poorly, I don't care if they are family.
I do think everything starts with us first. So I would say if you can just make peace with all of it, and I mean all of it, for yourself, so you're not carrying the anger and resentment, it may make you see things different, and it may even make you feel ok with not being close, that you're ok with whatever they say, because you know who you are. Getting someone to admit their mistakes or to understand you is wasted energy. But I would say if you are truly looking to reconnect with your brother number 4, just tell him that you're sorry for the misunderstanding, that you never intended to hurt him and that you love him very much. How he responds is really on him, but you can at least say you approached him with an open heart. It's then up to him to approach you the same.
Brother #3 was my best friend for such a long time that it's painful to see him on drugs and realize how broken our relationship is. To be ripped to shreds by someone you were once so close to is devastating.
As for brother 3, he was totally in the wrong for taking the issue and making it public with the whole family, instead of dealing with you directly.
People get my trust until they violate it.
As for having a normal relationship with someone on drugs...well if you ever figure that one out, maybe you could write a book. You'd probably become an instant millionaire. Many people do find their way eventually off of drugs. Your best hope of a good relationship at that point, is to keep your distance now. (It won't help your relationship to have years of him stealing from you, lying to you, using you, etc, etc.)
It's wasted emotion to be angry and hurt at drug addicts. They're addicts, they can't see past the next hit.
Al-Anon helped me deal with my ex's drinking.
Broken people can be fixed, but they have to do that for themselves. We can't fix anyone except ourselves. I get why you have anger and resentment and sadness but I don't think trying to fix everything with your family really addresses that. You have to fix that part of you first, for yourself, and then resolve stuff with your family, but know too they may not be receptive to it or behave the way you want them. But that's really about them.
It is really hard to give up on people for sure.