Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi all. So I am in need of some perspective. It is a pretty long, complicated story. Please bear with me!
So I gave this guy I've been seeing who was seeing another woman an ultimatum. He has agreed to stop seeing her and we are going to find someone to mediate our discussions to work through everything.
I make an effort to try and not be too controlling as this was something that has negatively effected my past relationships. So I told him it would be okay if they stayed friends, but to give me some time to process everything. I also asked to meet this woman, in the hopes that maybe we can all be friends. (I will be honest here, I probably also just want to meet her and kind of size her up and make my own judgement of whether I can trust her if they did remain friends.)
So then things got kinda complicated when she contacted him to help because her brother who has mental health issues and refuses to take meds became abusive and was trying to assault her. (To explain a little context, he is a paramedic and is all about helping people, and I am also in an industry where I help people and animals, so this is something that drew us together when we met.) I was at work and would have encouraged him to help anyone in that situation, no matter who they are, but he told her he couldn't help immediately as I wouldn't like it. (Not shedding me in the best light and making me wonder if he knows me at all? Or maybe the way I act has lead him to believe that I am not as understanding as I am... he has kinda pushed me to my limit at times!) He then offered for her to stay with him and arranged this before contacting me. He also knows that I have a free room at my place where a friend was visiting was staying. So he texted me to ask if she could stay here, which of course, being who I am and having been in a similar situation in the past, I was happy to help.
But then he was saying that she would stay with him most of the time and just a couple of nights here? I need to also say that I do understand the situation may have been awkward and she may not have felt comfortable with it, but in my mind if you need help, you would accept the kindness of strangers? Anyway, so I sent her a msg, offering my help and asking to meet. I also explained my hesitation about her staying with my boyfriend and why it would make me uncomfortable. This did not go down well... she completely focused on my hesitation and disregarded my offer to help. And then she was angry with him and he was angry with me and it was just all very shitty.
Eventually I told him I think she is completely unreasonable and that his reaction to her reaction just showed me that he is still hung up on her. He agreed and said he was going to "put things to rest". I am still not sure what he meant by that, because he proceeded to spend the next day helping her from lunchtime (when they were supposed to meet and "put things to rest") to the late hours of the night. He was apparently helping her run errands etc. Get all her stuff and go to stay with other friends. (They live far away, which is why it isn't ideal to stay there.) I guess I would have been okay with it had he been communicating with me, but he disappeared and explained afterwards. I don't understand why he is the ONLY person she can apparently ask for help, they've only known each other for a month. But I do understand that it is in his nature to help anyone in need.
The next day we met for brunch and I was basically at the point where he never sees her again or I leave. But then he explained the situation with her brother better. We had a discussion about being a team and that if he'd included me in helping I would have felt a lot better about it. But she wouldn't want that, because of my message. She also refuses to read my apology that I sent, to try and explain my intentions. (Even though he asked her to.)
That was yesterday. In the evening I got sick and he has been here taking care of me. Today he tells me she again asked him for help (he said no), even though the day before he apparently explained to her that him and I were together and I was his priority. I asked him that I don't want him to see her, and this is an ongoing discussion due to the current circumstances. I agreed to still help if she needed, but only if I meet her first and we make a different arrangement than her staying with him. He has no problem with coming up with a different arrangement and said he just didn't think of it that way.
I agreed to meet her tomorrow even though she has not even made any effort to read my apology. (She told him it is because she doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it, but she's agreed to meet?)
I feel like I am the only one who is making any kind of effort to be accommodating and to, despite how much the whole situation hurt me, still try to find a peaceful resolution where everyone gets along. I don't feel like she has made any kind of effort, and I feel like he is completely focused on her feelings and disregarding mine. Apparently I am the one who is being unreasonable and selfish? I also feel like that if she knows that we are together why is she asking him to help her TODAY with what sounded like a fairly simple task that could wait a day, when we've all already agreed to meet tomorrow.
I would just like to hear an outside perspective, because I am too much a part of it to think logically and not be just emotional at this point.
Thanks in advance!
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I say this because it seems like you think it will make the relationship stronger somehow… best of luck.
Ps, you will get to that place of not falling apart quicker when you walk away from this mess. I bet you know this already.
This paragraph says everything. Perhaps the bond is more codependence, and less healthy connection. And, he literally is trying to get you to fit into HIS life. Otherwise you'd not be putting up with this nonsense.
Maybe taking time alone is the way to go, to work on yourself so you don't see yourself as this special project someone has to undertake to make you feel valued. It's actually ok to be alone to cultivate a healthy perspective and make sure you're loving yourself first. It's so much better to be alone than holding on to a person who really isn't valuing you right now. The more you work on you, the fewer crumbs you'll be willing to settle for.
Right now I’m not even sure what I want. I just got so lost in not losing him, that I’ve lost touch of what is really in my heart. So rather than obsessing and focussing on him and how he feels or what he thinks, I’m going to just focus on me. He can come along or stay behind. It is his choice what he wants and like brandnewangel said, I will see his true feelings in the process.
I can’t make him do anything, but I can tell him what I am doing and what his actions will result in with us. He has the choice. He’ll just have to fit into my life if he wants to be a part of it, on my terms.
I have started working through some books and will try to find a good therapist. But in the meantime I am just going to love myself and do what feels good and healthy to me and what makes me happy. Have some “dates” with friends from work to hang out and am making time to do things important to me.
Thanks to everyone for their input, I will continue to talk on DS for sure, it has been immensely helpful! :)
You are holding on to this man because consider this question: Do I need a man to feel good enough? Your feelings are not love in my opinion. I think this is your emotional mind needing something to feel okay enough. I think this is codependence on your part. He is doing what he does because it suits him or he likes it. May I recommend you read The New Codependence by Beatty or her older version Codependent No more.
You see -- this is all about yourself and how you think not about true love. The only way to change is to actively work on being the change within ourselves. We have to love ourselves first and well enough to not want to be in an unhealthy situation or relationship. You keep trying to make him change. You are walking a tightrope and juggling balls to keep from having to look within and work on yourself. There are CODA support groups. You simply deserve to take care of yourself so that your future relationships are healthy. It starts within us and there is no way around fixing ourselves first. I think you are a smart woman who deserves to find your self love and self validation. You may need help doing this, a therapist or a support group as well as reading self help books. No shame in seeking help. I would not know this stuff if I didn't have a need in the past to find help for myself.
Just thought I’d give an update, as things are changing and also just need to reflect on how I feel about these changes.
Since my last entry, I have done just as I said. I have told him that I am going to focus on myself. And that I need to work on myself. Which he does understand, I just don’t know if he realizes that this means he will no longer be my focus, lol!
And I have, I have been looking after myself a bit more. Taking care of me, by doing things I used to love doing, working through some books and most of all not compromising.
We have been talking ALOT, apparently we are both pretty stubborn, about why he wants what he wants and why I don’t. He is a very logical thinker and always focuses on the why, which has been very good for me in the past, as I am completely emotionally based and will sometimes just barrel on because of how I feel and never actually think of why. But can be a hindrance, because sometimes there isn’t a why that he can understand. He thinks of things very differently than most people, and he cannot see why having her in our lives hurts me so much. (He is not a traditional thinker when it comes to love or relationships.)
This all being said, after telling him what seeing her will do to our relationship, instead of telling him what to do, he did stop seeing her. At the very least it would be until her and I can meet (which I did still agree to). She postponed the meeting and is very much trying to control and manipulate the situation. She said it will happen when SHE is ready. I guess she didn’t realize that this means he won’t want to see her until then, because he doesn’t want to hurt our relationship.
Recently I’ve been getting a very bad feeling about her. Just the way she is responding to things and comments she has made to him, didn’t sit right. But I would never say that to him. It would just make him think I am trying to manipulate him. If this was the case and she was not the person he thought she was, it was going to have to play itself out.
Apparently that did not take very long at all. Something happened, he hasn’t shared the details as I haven’t seen him yet, but apparently she said some things to him that made him appreciate that I would never act that way or say things so hurtful to him?
I am not quite sure how I am feeling about it all yet. He seems to just want to move on like nothing happened, but there were a lot of unresolved things. Do I let go of those feelings and try to move forward? I mean I would at least stop torturing myself.
I think we will have to work through ALOT, I need to know he understands why he hurt me so much, but maybe just at our own pace. Without the pressure.
I am still focussing on myself first, and am making progress. Feeling good about me. Ironically, the night before all this happened I knew I was truly ready to walk away. When I told him what would happen to us if he continues to pursue her, I meant it. And I was ready to accept whatever the outcome would be.
I still feel that way. If he backtracks or she comes running back and apologizing, I am still ready to do that. :)
I am also eating well again (I seriously lost 7kg/14lbs through this whole thing) and drinking less. I am making time to go out and do things I like or even just take a walk. Not just lounging in front of the TV day in and day out when I’m not working. Making time for sleep and also looking after myself, like doing my nails and taking care of my skin.
I feel good about me, now I just need to keep it up. I am working it into my own little routine, as that has been very effective for me to not slack off in the past.
Thanks to everyone who gave me advice and knew I could love myself again. :)
I returned my cable box 5 years ago and, after sobriety, is the best thing I ever did for myself. Quiet nights with a cup of tea and a book are treasures to me.
Hope you have honesty in your relations.... otherwise what's the point?
I appreciate that insight Candygurl… you are so right. We forget that not everyone thinks, feels and processes like us. Sometimes I do need to take a breath and practice some patience.
In friendships and love relationships, if both people think the exact same way they only reinforce each others "stinking thinking" or dysfunction. One of my adult children and the spouse are hoarders and they think living in a dirty, smelly, full of stuff house is normal. So having a partner who thinks differently is actually good for us. It makes us think and find new perspective. You are on a positive journey, have even lost weight and are eating healthier. This is self love. Remember you matter!