Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Im in a pickle.
I have posted on here a few times as you know - more than a few to be fair.
I left my abusive partner in July after 4 years of marriage. I believed he was the love of my life. His behaviour began to upset and confuse me so I came on here for clarity. but I felt I had to leave after he was accused of harassment of a young girl aged 15. He was her boss and he gave a lift home every day for a week while she worked for him as a swimming teachers helper. He is the swimming teacher. He is 58. I have read what happened and what was said, I think he was an idiot rather than predatory. He never seems to know what is appropriate to say.
It has been hell for me, I think I was finding my feet.
I don't understand what happened. My life with him for those years was wonderful and horrible, more wonderful than horrible though.
After these few weeks have passed I have healed a tiny bit, I still cry all the time though and feel broken and bruised. The pain of all this makes me sick.
I have been doing lots of thinking and I wonder if more of the blame lies with me for not speaking out more. I got into the habit of going along with what he wanted for the sake of not having a fall out and never really spoke my mind about things that upset me. I am thinking that was my mistake, I chose to ignore and not address all these things he did which upset me.
So I packed up and just left, not telling him any more than I was going to stay with my daughter for a while to sort things out in my head about all that was going on.
I feel terrible about those years I was married to him as I pretty much didnt say much good about him at all to my friends or family. When he had upset me I told them everything, I shouldnt have shared that. Now everyone thinks badly of him. Yes, he did do some things which were unkind and disrespectful, he did its true and I was upset and told people why. But was it the spin I put on these things? My perception of them and him which affected my whole time with him?
Why does this matter?
I love this man, always have. He has such a hold over me, I just ache to be in his arms and then I feel at peace. Its all I need to get through the day to know I have him at the end of my day.
Since I left I have always left it that I love him and never wanted to split but work it out, but he insisted what is done, is done and we should divorce. So I went ahead and started the divorce. He said he was broken hearted that I had abandoned him when I needed him most. I can see that. But I thought I said those things to him because I wanted to stay safe from him being mean. But Im not sure what I thought. I do love him and this was /is heartbreaking for me to break away from him.
Last week he was calling me and wrote me a letter asking me to come and meet him. I knew I shouldn't. I am vulnerable to him I know. But I went. He wants us to have a fresh start, to work it all out, to go to counselling and make everything right. He says he will make sure he learns and doesnt hurt me again. He wants to be a better man. I have set up home two hours away and started a University course as I needed a direction in my life, and a new start. He will have to wait for me 18 months. He says he is ok with that. I want him. He is easy to be with, I feel I can just relax and be me.
He has stood by me through three failed business start ups never moaning, just supporting and encouraging. He put up with my daughter who hates him and was pretty viscous to him. I got ill and also lost my hair and he looked after me without hesitation. I never went without anything. I am not easy, I am insecure and anxious. But I think I am strong and at 50 I have some life left to achieve something. But he was also controlling and insecure, a little emotionally unavailable and says inappropriate things.
Now, I know this sounds crazy and I have been on here many times saying he did this, and he did that....
I wonder if I just saw the bad in him. Is it me with the problem? Did I demonise him? I have given him such a bad press I am going to lose my family and friends if I go back with him. But with him I feel he loves me no matter what.
I am so confused now. I know I want the pain to stop but I feel so scared of this. I want him but I feel so weak, and coping with a long distance relationship is hard for me as Im so insecure, with him particularly.
Thoughts please people. Im lost here.
I feel such an idiot and ashamed for posting this as I was doing so well and everyone was saying they were proud of me and now I want to just make it work with him. I am sick of chucking it in when it gets tricky. He is my forth husband and I know that says something about me.
Please help here.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
What I do know from personal experience and what I've read, is it is not at all unusual to second guess yourself once you've got some distance from the situation. I certainly did...then with more distance, it eventually all came back...yes, he was indeed bad and most definitely bad for me. Sorting through the muck is a process.
I would highly recommend a counselor or therapist to help you sort this out....a live person trained in the area of abuse (mental, emotional, sexual and financial). The going back and forth with him is, if it hasn't already, going to take a toll on you. You want to continue to move forward...with him or without. Sometimes it requires the assistance of a third party. Someone not tainted by the real time history like friends and family.
You are doing so well. Do yourself a big favor and find someone to talk this stuff through with.
My own personal opinion of the situation is this...
I feel you are the victim of a very manipulative, abusive relationship. I, too, was part of one for four years before I was able to gather the courage to send him on his way, so I understand the signs, struggles and confusion of what comes next. I have not walked in your shoes, so I by no means mean to sound like I know exactly what it is you need to do - strictly opinions and hope for your situation.
I sense that you feel as though you NEED someone special and specific in your life to make you feel complete, and that is okay; however, I feel you are directing these feelings towards your ex because that is what you are familiar with, and not necessarily because it is what you WANT.
Is it safe for me to assume that you want to have a healthy relationship with no abuse, manipulation or neglect? Every relationship has its issues, yes, but those issues CANNOT be abuse. When a relationship becomes abusive, there are no longer two people involved, just the abuser. My ex also stated that he wanted to do counseling... and everything else I suggested, but AFTER I told him it was over. He should have agreed to those terms before it was over.
Next, you have to stop hurting yourself with your own words - yet another sign of someone who has been in an abusive relationship. You want that comfort and relationship so much, that you're willing to put all of the blame on yourself to make things seem okay... but they are not your fault and if you do this, your ex is never going to be able correct his actions. He's going to think to himself that you're taking all of the blame, so his actions are okay, and nothing changes.
I honestly feel that you need to focus on yourself, finish your classes and find a man who is worthy of you and your beautiful mind and spirit. Your ex is at the age where he has been who he is for so long, that I do not feel he will see a reason to change, and even if he does, its going to be near impossible to fix.
YOU are the victim, you need to start healing yourself and stop making yourself out to be the abuser, because you are not.
Best of luck, and God Bless.
Master manipulators have a way of studying your every strength and weakness and then using it to get what they want from you.
He lost control over you and now he wants it back and he will do whatever it takes to get it.
Be strong, clench to your freedom harder. It is okay to love this man, but it is not okay to let him back in to control you because people like him do not change.
Everything " nice" he is doing is a show, a parade of lies, yet another maneuver to get you back so he can call you a fucking bitch again.
Hugs.
People who want to change, really want to change, do that for themselves and would start that process whether or not you're in the picture. That would show awareness of behavior and the character to want to be a better person independent of you. He's just telling you what you want to hear.
You are part of the problem because you engage in this, and make excuses for him. That part is on you. And I think people here have really tried to impress upon you the importance of counseling and getting more support around yourself from women's advocacy groups. This is why... because after leaving someone who is emotionally abusive, you still have to deal with how being with someone like that fucks up your thought process and skews everything.
And I'm sorry if this is harsh, but when women defend their men who have behave innapropriately with children, whether classified as a preditor or not, that's sick to me. You have a daughter. Imagine your kid having to have dealt with some adult man putting her in that position. Please, find your anger. Find your outrage, if only to snap you out of this fog.
You aren't leaving him to find another person who will appreciate and value you. You leave so you can be healthy and value yourself, independent of a relationship with any man.
Mourn the loss of the good times. You can even love him. But try to love yourself more.
I am fragile and vulnerable and I caved in for a little but I have taken steps to get counselling etc. It is very difficult in the UK, but I think I have made some progress and found somewhere.
I don't want this, I don't want to keep doing this. I want to be different. And I can be different for a while but then it just slips and Im back to being how I was before. It's exhausting.
Everyone here already gave excellent advice, please go back and read all of it Over and Over again.
Please do not get back with this man. Be strong!
You seriously need to cut contact with him all together and get counseling.
I think you are such a good-hearted, decent person. That's a wonderful quality. But it has to be balanced with good judgement. That will come with time. In the meantime, you have to almost protect yourself from yourself right now, because you are so vulnerable.
I get the message, get counselling and keep myself to myself.
thank you so much everyone. x
We don't talk like that. And as for reaching out, it's pointless. They live in a 4 bedroom house just the two of them and never once offered me a room or place to stay even though they knew I slept in my car for three days when I first left. If I do something they don't approve of I get the non-responsive thing. I feel hung out to dry with them most of the time. Very passive aggressive and I could do without that. It's their way or I get silence. siiiigh.
I guess my problems start with them and their way of dealing with things.
It's horrible, it always was. I left home at 17.
So I come on here, my DS family.
I feel weird about this post, I feel I let you all down but I don't know where else to go.
I think you know yourself well, and you have come a long way. I think that breaking free, getting your own place and starting college, has already made a huge change in your life, so much so that you may look at him in a different manner now. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are proposing, to stay where you are, complete your education, and see where things are then between you. You don't have to move back in, you don't have to do anything you don't want, because now, you're in control and in a place where you can make decisions, and maybe this is what needed to happen.
I understand how men can be inappropriate, and there is no excuse for it, but not all inappropriate men are creeps or scum, and something tells me that your husband is not. After what has happened, he may have learned his lesson about inappropriate behaviour. You know him well, and you know what he's capable of, so reading what you wrote makes sense to me.
Excuse me a moment while I wipe off the tomatoes being tossed at my face. This is your life, and you've reached some freedom finally, and that's an awakening experience. You are also a smart person, and I believe you are capable of handling this. If it starts going funny, you can always re-asses it, make changes, have a discussion, or pull away. The way you have written this post says that you have put a lot of thought into this, and I don't think you're weakening or anything of that sort. If anything, your strength is coming back, and you are feeling more confident to make decisions.
you explained it better than I. X
Now He just told me he has been asked to be a Taxi Dancer who is a person who dances with the new people. This is quite something.
I am again concerned at my response. Instead of just feeling happy and proud for him, i feel partly jealous and resentful. Whats wrong with me.?! I dont like having these horrible feelings about people it makes me feel mean.