Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Im in a pickle.
I have posted on here a few times as you know - more than a few to be fair.
I left my abusive partner in July after 4 years of marriage. I believed he was the love of my life. His behaviour began to upset and confuse me so I came on here for clarity. but I felt I had to leave after he was accused of harassment of a young girl aged 15. He was her boss and he gave a lift home every day for a week while she worked for him as a swimming teachers helper. He is the swimming teacher. He is 58. I have read what happened and what was said, I think he was an idiot rather than predatory. He never seems to know what is appropriate to say.
It has been hell for me, I think I was finding my feet.
I don't understand what happened. My life with him for those years was wonderful and horrible, more wonderful than horrible though.
After these few weeks have passed I have healed a tiny bit, I still cry all the time though and feel broken and bruised. The pain of all this makes me sick.
I have been doing lots of thinking and I wonder if more of the blame lies with me for not speaking out more. I got into the habit of going along with what he wanted for the sake of not having a fall out and never really spoke my mind about things that upset me. I am thinking that was my mistake, I chose to ignore and not address all these things he did which upset me.
So I packed up and just left, not telling him any more than I was going to stay with my daughter for a while to sort things out in my head about all that was going on.
I feel terrible about those years I was married to him as I pretty much didnt say much good about him at all to my friends or family. When he had upset me I told them everything, I shouldnt have shared that. Now everyone thinks badly of him. Yes, he did do some things which were unkind and disrespectful, he did its true and I was upset and told people why. But was it the spin I put on these things? My perception of them and him which affected my whole time with him?
Why does this matter?
I love this man, always have. He has such a hold over me, I just ache to be in his arms and then I feel at peace. Its all I need to get through the day to know I have him at the end of my day.
Since I left I have always left it that I love him and never wanted to split but work it out, but he insisted what is done, is done and we should divorce. So I went ahead and started the divorce. He said he was broken hearted that I had abandoned him when I needed him most. I can see that. But I thought I said those things to him because I wanted to stay safe from him being mean. But Im not sure what I thought. I do love him and this was /is heartbreaking for me to break away from him.
Last week he was calling me and wrote me a letter asking me to come and meet him. I knew I shouldn't. I am vulnerable to him I know. But I went. He wants us to have a fresh start, to work it all out, to go to counselling and make everything right. He says he will make sure he learns and doesnt hurt me again. He wants to be a better man. I have set up home two hours away and started a University course as I needed a direction in my life, and a new start. He will have to wait for me 18 months. He says he is ok with that. I want him. He is easy to be with, I feel I can just relax and be me.
He has stood by me through three failed business start ups never moaning, just supporting and encouraging. He put up with my daughter who hates him and was pretty viscous to him. I got ill and also lost my hair and he looked after me without hesitation. I never went without anything. I am not easy, I am insecure and anxious. But I think I am strong and at 50 I have some life left to achieve something. But he was also controlling and insecure, a little emotionally unavailable and says inappropriate things.
Now, I know this sounds crazy and I have been on here many times saying he did this, and he did that....
I wonder if I just saw the bad in him. Is it me with the problem? Did I demonise him? I have given him such a bad press I am going to lose my family and friends if I go back with him. But with him I feel he loves me no matter what.
I am so confused now. I know I want the pain to stop but I feel so scared of this. I want him but I feel so weak, and coping with a long distance relationship is hard for me as Im so insecure, with him particularly.
Thoughts please people. Im lost here.
I feel such an idiot and ashamed for posting this as I was doing so well and everyone was saying they were proud of me and now I want to just make it work with him. I am sick of chucking it in when it gets tricky. He is my forth husband and I know that says something about me.
Please help here.
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
To be honest I am not that surprised by this post or what you are feeling. Been there done that.
I was with a guy for 3 years that was very controlling and he would piss me off so bad. He also had a lot of money and so I had become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, plus at the time we were both HUGE drinkers. I had to stop drinking and then we had nothing in common and I had to move on.
It was a really big step in my life and trust me, we did the back and forth thing a few times but guess what? Nothing changed.
Stay where you are and keep going to school and keep coming here for support.
You deserve a wonderful life, don't let him suck you back in.
I am really confused OTM, thanks for your thoughts.
I struggle with relationships., well romantic ones anyway.
I am worried about my own reactions. Why am I not feeling proud and happy he accomplished something?
When he sent me that letter, it was like he called and I complied. It wasn't so straightforward as that but I had a good talk with him first and said there were things which had to change for me to consider him in my life. I am sceptical, I have no idea what is going on with me right now.
I am spending way too much time thinking and stressing about all this. ( sound familiar OTM!!!) and I know that isn't healthy. I am trying so hard not to but there it is.
When we first met I had done two years of a degree and he kind of made it difficult for me to continue, not in so many words but he kept expressing his opinion that it was a waste of money and time and I should just earn money from my artwork etc.
This time I will finish my degree though and I will get a damn high one too.
But I feel a bit like I am replaying this whole scenario with me from a different point. I feel stronger, yet weaker. I don't know. I just know he has a lot to prove and I have a lot to learn.
Dancing with him was tough, why do I struggle with that so much? The jealousy, seeing him with women queueing up to dance with him and me left sitting there. It hurt and I flipped. I should have kept my cool and focussed on having a good time myself. He's not even that good a dancer to be honest but he's not too bad, there is always a shortage of men at these things and a line of middle aged single women waiting for a turn. Just seeing him laughing and holding other women...it made me ill.
How can I manage that?!
Whats wrong with me?
I think that facing the world without a partner to tell us what to do is scary! We are so use to having someone control us without knowing that standing on our own, or controlling our own self is scary and we don't know how.... So what do we do.... we want to fall back in his arms! It is like children for the first time on a bike, we don't want our parents to let go since we feel secure when they hold the bike and control it.....and than when they let go, you are scared but than realize that is fun, you can do this on your own, and you do not want your parents to hold your bike for you again!
You can do this sunnyjax!! Be free, and live YOUR life!
I hope this helps a little!
Your reaction was not mean, not in the least, it was appropriate and authentic. You are being protective, and you have every right to feel and act this way. If you didn't, I would be concerned, because it's human nature to not want your husband dancing with the single ladies. If he can't see how being a Taxi Dancer would bother you, that is where the problem lies, not with you. And this is something you can explain to him in a calm manner, just to see if he gets it, 'cause if he doesn't, that would be a dealbreaker for me.
The strong and weak feelings mixed-in together are just a sign that you are regaining your strength. Of course you're going to have weak moments, and conflicted feelings, it's part of the healing process, and with time the weak moments and conflict will lessen, providing you stay true to yourself and don't waiver on your demands. Having demands isn't mean, it's being smart.
This is your opportunity to start laying new tracks with him, by stating exactly what you are comfortable with and what you are not. If he can't abide by your rules, then you have your answer.
Don't second guess yourself, you're a smart person, you're intuitive and self-aware, and that will take you to the next level of your progress. If you were going to be just friends, that would be different, you should be happy for him. But being happy for him when he's dancing with the single ladies as a recreational pastime, would be twisted, because we all know where that can lead.
Stay strong, you know yourself and your needs, listen to them, not to what or how you're supposed to feel. You are you, and it's a beautiful thing, embrace it, pay attention to it, believe in yourself and follow your path, for it will bring you to a place of peace and comfort.
I tried to explain how I feel about him dancing and like the time when I used to keep Japanese fighting fish and he decided he would keep some too and it made me feel cross and so I just let him have mine too. Is that a healthy response? I'm pretty sure it isn't. He took my fish over, bought them a new huge tank and plants and everything.... bit like he is doing with the dancing.
My daughter ( she's 20) said she thought I was emotionally immature and my reaction is just childish.
sigh.
I want to be happy and not feel these emotions all the time.
Escaping from all this whenever I am dating has led me to marry 4 times! As soon as I have that security I am fine, relaxed, easy. But it is not the answer.
You know what security feels like, and perhaps you need to write out what that looks like, then live by it. We as humans, cannot help how we feel, but what we can help is how we react to our feelings, and the plans we lay out in order to steer along a safe and protected path. Your feelings are not childish, they are warranted and need to be acknowledged.
At this point I wouldn't try to figure out your feelings.... You will be getting help with 'sorting out what's going on within'
I would accept for now that you feel the way you feel.... You don't have to act out on feelings though and that's what I think is most important for now
Big hug and a blessing... I think you're doing great.... It's not easy making huge changes and it takes a lot of courage.....xo
We are complicated beings and our history, our experiences, what was nurtured coupled with our nature... sheesh, nothing can be so black and white as feelings when they relate to our relationships with people. I probably have a dozen or so competing feelings on things at any given moment.
I struggle with overwhelm with my feelings. I don't know what to do with them. On a day to day level I function really well in a well paid professional job but throw me an emotion and BOOM! Im a mess of insecurity and anxiety...it's horrible.
Man, it's a wonder any of us can get out of bed in the morning, ha ha!!
It sounds so like me, its almost spot on.