Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Some background info:
It was/is my first relationship. I am 22, I've been with him for about 5 years now. It was a bad start. I met him at 17, when I was young and dumb and very inexperienced. In the first two years, he was cheating on me with a Brazilian girl, with her stereotypical double D's and a great ass. Maybe or maybe not this info is important to my current situation. I forgave him/made up with him three times after finding out he was cheating on me. Each time I'd have to find out by checking his phone or the girl would text me to tell me she had great sex with my boyfriend. By then I had no choice but to leave him. After getting myself back on track with my life, getting a 4.0 GPA, a new job, i felt so good about myself. About a year ago, he came back into my life by telling me that his parents sent him to Barcelona to "heal" from the depression that I left him with. Despite knowing that it was a lie, I wanted to talk to him. He called me, cried to me often about missing me and seeing how horrible of a person he was and that he's changed. At the time, I truly felt like he'd changed and maybe we could start over fresh. And we did.
So here's the current situation:
In the past year, he's been wonderful to me. We've talked about my insecurities due to his cheating past and we were both willing to be patient and work mutual trust back into our relationship. We've gotten extremely close, closer than we were before, especially in the last couple of weeks. We've been practically living together in my house. There were a few times I felt anxious and insecure and have blamed it on myself. However, I really need advice when it comes to this.
I asked him for his passcode, and looked through his phone in front of him. He let me. I found a conversation on a separate messaging app of him and his ex whom he cheated on me with, that rude brazilian girl. As for the content, he messaged her first, he sent a few more messages when she wouldn't respond to him, he said he's picturing her with cheese all over her because she's in paris and she recently went cheese testing. he said he had a dream where she went traveling all over the world and never came back. she said "oh good dream" and he said "no, bad dream :(". He also calls her "Amandinha" which was an affectionate way of saying "Amanda" in Portuguese. He asked for a selfie from her. One where she is smiling.
(Not important: but is that flirting?)
Through checking his phone I also saw that he lied to me about going home after one night we were at a burlesque club. he actually spent the night at a girl's house and he claims he only slept on her couch.
After confronting him, he told me "it was just small talk" and that I am using what we promised to let go of to cloud my judgement. He keeps telling me he loves me, and he's been crying, holding me, begging me to stay and I just keep bringing up the fact that I asked him not to even text a "hi" back if that girl ever texts him. I made it clear that I didn't want them talking to each other, PERIOD. He just keeps telling me "it wasn't even like that" or "I wasn't flirting with her. Flirting with her is telling her she looks good, and if i was still thinking about her in that way, I would ask about her relationship status, but I didn't."
I'm so hurt about this. I feel like I could have wasted 5 years of my life on this pathological liar and I don't want to waste anymore time but truth is, I love him so much and hearing him say that he loves me feels so good. I just want someone to tell me if there's any way I could fix this relationship. I want to be with him so badly, but I can't deal with him lying over and over again after I give him chance after chance.
I can stay with him on the condition that I have access to all his social networks/phones/emails ect. but he could just delete messages immediately after sending/receiving them. And plus, that would be a very unhealthy relationship.
I guess I just need to hear someone else's point of view. Please guys, and thank you for even taking the time out to read this ridiculously long post. I really appreciate it.
It was/is my first relationship. I am 22, I've been with him for about 5 years now. It was a bad start. I met him at 17, when I was young and dumb and very inexperienced. In the first two years, he was cheating on me with a Brazilian girl, with her stereotypical double D's and a great ass. Maybe or maybe not this info is important to my current situation. I forgave him/made up with him three times after finding out he was cheating on me. Each time I'd have to find out by checking his phone or the girl would text me to tell me she had great sex with my boyfriend. By then I had no choice but to leave him. After getting myself back on track with my life, getting a 4.0 GPA, a new job, i felt so good about myself. About a year ago, he came back into my life by telling me that his parents sent him to Barcelona to "heal" from the depression that I left him with. Despite knowing that it was a lie, I wanted to talk to him. He called me, cried to me often about missing me and seeing how horrible of a person he was and that he's changed. At the time, I truly felt like he'd changed and maybe we could start over fresh. And we did.
So here's the current situation:
In the past year, he's been wonderful to me. We've talked about my insecurities due to his cheating past and we were both willing to be patient and work mutual trust back into our relationship. We've gotten extremely close, closer than we were before, especially in the last couple of weeks. We've been practically living together in my house. There were a few times I felt anxious and insecure and have blamed it on myself. However, I really need advice when it comes to this.
I asked him for his passcode, and looked through his phone in front of him. He let me. I found a conversation on a separate messaging app of him and his ex whom he cheated on me with, that rude brazilian girl. As for the content, he messaged her first, he sent a few more messages when she wouldn't respond to him, he said he's picturing her with cheese all over her because she's in paris and she recently went cheese testing. he said he had a dream where she went traveling all over the world and never came back. she said "oh good dream" and he said "no, bad dream :(". He also calls her "Amandinha" which was an affectionate way of saying "Amanda" in Portuguese. He asked for a selfie from her. One where she is smiling.
(Not important: but is that flirting?)
Through checking his phone I also saw that he lied to me about going home after one night we were at a burlesque club. he actually spent the night at a girl's house and he claims he only slept on her couch.
After confronting him, he told me "it was just small talk" and that I am using what we promised to let go of to cloud my judgement. He keeps telling me he loves me, and he's been crying, holding me, begging me to stay and I just keep bringing up the fact that I asked him not to even text a "hi" back if that girl ever texts him. I made it clear that I didn't want them talking to each other, PERIOD. He just keeps telling me "it wasn't even like that" or "I wasn't flirting with her. Flirting with her is telling her she looks good, and if i was still thinking about her in that way, I would ask about her relationship status, but I didn't."
I'm so hurt about this. I feel like I could have wasted 5 years of my life on this pathological liar and I don't want to waste anymore time but truth is, I love him so much and hearing him say that he loves me feels so good. I just want someone to tell me if there's any way I could fix this relationship. I want to be with him so badly, but I can't deal with him lying over and over again after I give him chance after chance.
I can stay with him on the condition that I have access to all his social networks/phones/emails ect. but he could just delete messages immediately after sending/receiving them. And plus, that would be a very unhealthy relationship.
I guess I just need to hear someone else's point of view. Please guys, and thank you for even taking the time out to read this ridiculously long post. I really appreciate it.
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Good Thursday to you!I've been watching a really long trial on Youtube these last couple of nights and will finish tomorrowHopefully I'll be in the land of nod soon and I hope my peeps are having sweet dreams followed by a great daySending hugs...xo
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
What you have described is no wonderful. Just because parts of the year have been good doesn't make the whole thing great. Having any contact with the former AP should be off limits. How you describe the interaction between the was inappropriate. Me personally I consider that cheating. You didn't know he was still in contact. Would you have given your blessing if he asked before he contacted her? He contacted her first, that tells me he hasn't changed at all.
What did you mean by mutual trust? Did you have an affair also?
Let him go.
You are setting yourself up for a life of grief and betrayal if you stay with him. This is your chance, take your heels off, and run like the dickens.
Additionally, staying with a partner like that puts you at risk of being infected with any STDs he might get from the women he cheats on you with.
You won't regret it. But if you do stay with him, years later down the road you will look back and think, " wow..I just wasted so many years of my life with him."
And those are years you can't get back. Trust me. I know.
Good luck, and keep your chin up. Move forward with your life.
L.
A few weeks after I wrote the original post and was working up to breaking up with this person, I was told of a 17 year old girl jumping out of his window one morning. I flipped. I told him all the horrible things I've been holding back and he denied them all. I told him I was not here to convince him of anything, that I needed no answer from him. I didn't give him a chance to reply to that and I've blocked him on every single platform for a year now. I've been just fine the past year.
Recently, the puppy that we adopted a few years back was diagnosed with cancer and devastated, I was forced to reconnect with him. While we were deciding whether or not to put him thru chemo, he suddenly passed away. We were both heartbroken. In attempt to cope with dog's death, we spent a lot of time together, arranging his cremation, spending time with our friends and telling them of the news (he was a popular dog) and just being emotional supportive. That's where I made a horrible mistake. I should have mourned on my own. Offered to pay for half of cremation and never got emotional. It's 6AM, I've been laying in bed for 6 hours and I haven't been able to sleep because he's been telling me how sorry he is for treating me the way he did and how much he still loves me and I'm here thinking I wish all that was true knowing that it isn't. How do I deal with feeling like some piece is missing after ditching an abusice unfaithful partner? I haven't found anyone in the past year that is able to be in sync with me like he was. I'm so scared of falling back! I can't!
I think you just have to try to love yourself more than you miss him. You said you've been fine without him. You have to remember that and not let a temporary reconnection with him trick you into thinking he has somehow changed and has your best interest at heart. Grief brought you back together which and that has made you vulnerable. Totally understandable but you can't really assess things objectively when in that state.
Do no contact, reset your boundaries and look forward. I think describing yourself as having been "in sync" with someone who mistreated you is evidence you're not completely healed from that relationship, so take some time to work on yourself, so you don't feel that pull.
This guy is a liar and a cheater though... He always has been.... You need to value you and get away from him for good... Big hug and a blessing....xo