Can I ask why you're with him?...Have you been together a long time?

Welcome to DS.... This is a really great site... I'm glad you found us...x

It'll be 4 years in December. He is very sweet and kind most of the time. He takes good care of me and is genuine. I guess the hypercritical and judgmental parts of him are because he has these high moral and ethical standards, you know black and white thinking. I often play devil's advocate and try to open his eyes to the grey in the world.

For some people their therapist-client relationship is really private.

It's like asking him if you can wear his underwear. As much as he might care about you...it's not something he's going to want to share.

His therapist isn't "an impartial 3rd party. She's on his side.

If you think that the two of you really need therapy, it would be a good idea to pick someone that neither of you has seen before.

It sounds like there might be a couple of different problems going on here.

Talking incessantly about himself has nothing to do with being moral and ethical. So you are likely dealing with a bit of a narcissistic moral know it all!

Being one of those myself, I'm surprised he isn't the one who wants to go to couples counseling. In my relationship I would LOVE a chance to get my know it all views validated by a third party! ha ha.. it's my husband who totally sees the world in shades of grey like you do that wont go.

I guess I would say you are lucky to be with a very moral ethical person because though he is very annoying, you can live with the comfort of knowing he will never do you a "dirty"

Maybe you are just two very different people. If you are still in the dating phase and without children, you might want to really think about your pairing. You are in for a very tough life if you both have very different perceptions of the world. I speak from experience!

I am a do unto others as you would have done unto you sort of person. And yes, I wouldn't mind a person calling me to task on moral issues. but my husband calls people to task for earthly issues and I'm more worried about soul damaging issues, hope that makes sense.

So yeah... The Four Agreements ( my favorite book) says.. If a person isn't just how you like them from the get go... don't be with that person because it's very unlikely that they will change.

At the same time opposites attract. My husband takes good care of "earthly issues" and I try to save his soul every day! ha ha

Once in awhile we agree on a good TV show or a snack and we have peace for an hour.

Good Luck!

Well here's my take. Clearly he has things he's working through of his own, hence the therapist. Yes that therapist should be for him and unless he's expressing this particular issue with her, she won't suggest you come in.

My suggestion would be to find an individual therapist for yourself who's willing to incite him in on occasion for this or find a couples counselor for the two of you to help with communication. Or both.

Communication (or lack there of) has nearly ended my marriage more than once. If you both see it as a relationship flaw, it's a really good idea to handle it early on.

Incite should read *invite

"Knowledge without humility is vanity"....just sayin

I agree that getting into therapy for yourself might be a great gift to you.. ..x

Yeah, couples therapy would be more ideal, the therapist could get a clearer picture of how you two communicate if you're both in the therapy room together, but be happy for him that he's at least seeking therapy at all. Sounds like he's just begun therapy, so he hasn't really begun to look at himself yet. Hopefully, over time, if he sticks with therapy, he'll see that he plays a big part in you guys' communication problems too, will begin unravelling his own self-centeredness, listen when he wants to talk and generally be more humble, part of a "team". Meanwhile, be patient with him. If he continues with his "you are the problem, not me" attitude after 3 months, then I'd say his therapy isn't working.

And like you said, ddame, maybe YOUR problem is you hold back your anger, when you have every right to be furious with him when he begins nit-picking you! Short of pots and pans being thrown at each other and broken lamps lying all over the house, maybe if you're both brutally honest with each other as well as yourselves, you'll realize you're not a good match, at least without some serious "work".

I have a friend who too is that "double-edged sword". On the plus side, he can be very loving, generous and helpful. On the minus side, he can be MILITANTLY critical, selfish, egotistical. The duality of human nature, eh? I'm not perfect either. I either talk right over him with my own agenda, or I stuff my emotions and cow-tow to his ego rather than step up and do battle with it.

Either way, these "challenges" in relationships are good. They help us learn about ourselves as well as each other and grow. I agree with the "seek therapy yourself" suggestion. Some introspection with your own therapist will be a good learning experience, cathartic, clear the air.

To me it seems like there is a bigger underlying problem here and you just happen to be present and you are a comfortable " place" for him, so he takes it out on you.
How old is he and where is he in life as a person?
I noticed that many times when people are unhappy with their lack of reach of the milestones they set up for themselves, they get really cranky.
For example, I have not been able to reach my career goal and it was important to me, so I have been very unhappy because of it.

I agree with Aronia, and SunCloudJD. There is a much bigger issue here, especially since he proclaims that there is nothing wrong with him or his communication. I also don't think you need to see a therapist for this issue, as it would become an, "he-said-she-said", and would discombobulate both you and your therapist.

He doesn't want to let you into his therapy sessions because he's probably no where near figured himself out, although he likes to think he has. He doesn't want you to burst his bubble of progress, and therapists aren't there to rock the boat, but to maintain it's floating capabilities.

Being sweet and kind, and genuine, mixed with judgmental, hypercritical, and nitpicking, sounds like irrational behaviour to me, especially when you throw in the lecturing, dissecting, and talking mostly about himself. I have to repeat SunCloud's question, why are you with him?

He has a long road of self-discovery, which he may never be able to reach. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life defending yourself and listening to his psycho-babble? Are you willing to give up on the opportunity and wonderment you are capable of, being with a person who's on your wavelength? Four years may seem like a long time, but it's a blink of an eye in a lifetime.

This is not the time to be thinking about him, and whether or not you can squeeze yourself into his tight and rigid ways. You know you're right, and you know you're okay, so why not affirm all of this, and start thinking about what you want from a partner, and the life ahead of you. So many people stick it out, thinking it's the right thing to do, only to realize, twenty years later, had they left at the beginning, their lives would have been wholly different.

I wish you well.

Aronia, to answer your question: he is 38 and I am 34. No he hasn't met his career goals, he feels he's coming up short not reaching those milestones. I however see him in a different way, he's successfully self-employed but he sees it as whatever he has financially is never enough. I never thought of it like that, that he's taking it out on me... Gives me food for thought.

Unfortunately the feeling of individual success may not be the the same as our partners see it.
Everyone around me thinks I achieved a lot. My
Best friend is a medical practice manager and makes a ton of money. She also feels she hasn't gotten where she wants to be.
There is a fine line between striving for the the best and inability to enjoy your achievements and accept praise.
If you give him a compliment, how does he respond?
Does he enjoy it or acts weird and minimizes what was said ?

I think it's so interesting that we all take different parts of original posts and place our attention there.

Where are you getting that he is "cranky" because he is not meeting his financial goals? lol

From the original post I focused on the part that she said he is very
ethical and moral and she would like him to view the world in "shades of gray"

I took that to mean that he is giving her grief over some of her moral practices and she would just like him to leave her alone and not criticize her for some of her actions and ways that he feels are not up to his standards.

Which is it ddame?? Or is it both?

I am also wondering what your definition ( and maybe an example) of "shades of gray)

ShastaSue, I guess we are discussing a possibility that he is really unhappy with himself, but is projecting it on to her by being critical and intolerant.
I suggested the career as one of the causes of personal unhappiness.