Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Since the beginning of our relationship, in my opinion, we haven't been able to communicate well. So I suggested that one time we might have a couple's session with his therapist to work on it.
Weeks went by and last night he said he talked to his therapist about it. They decided that his therapy time is for him and his problems, he doesn't see our relationship as a problem!?! This coming from the guy who says he doesn't want to end up like either of our parents and may not see a future for us if our communication continues like it does. He pretty much said that the communication problem is coming from me, not him he's fine. And that I should find my own therapist to figure "things out with."!?!
I'm so angry. This is a 2-way street. I totally own up to my own problems - I hold back, remain silent when I should be talking, have trouble finding the words so I don't say much at all. But he's not the great conversationalist he thinks he is. All he does is talk about himself, he never asks about me, how my day was etc... He lectures we can't just talk. he's judgmental, hypercritical. And since he's been in therapy he's become a couch-psychologist too, nitpicking every little thing I do, dissecting it. I've tried to talk to him about this in the past.
Am I wrong? Don't we need an impartial 3rd party to help?
Weeks went by and last night he said he talked to his therapist about it. They decided that his therapy time is for him and his problems, he doesn't see our relationship as a problem!?! This coming from the guy who says he doesn't want to end up like either of our parents and may not see a future for us if our communication continues like it does. He pretty much said that the communication problem is coming from me, not him he's fine. And that I should find my own therapist to figure "things out with."!?!
I'm so angry. This is a 2-way street. I totally own up to my own problems - I hold back, remain silent when I should be talking, have trouble finding the words so I don't say much at all. But he's not the great conversationalist he thinks he is. All he does is talk about himself, he never asks about me, how my day was etc... He lectures we can't just talk. he's judgmental, hypercritical. And since he's been in therapy he's become a couch-psychologist too, nitpicking every little thing I do, dissecting it. I've tried to talk to him about this in the past.
Am I wrong? Don't we need an impartial 3rd party to help?
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Yeah, I really don't see it like that. ddame said he is moral and ethical and sees the world in black and white. So it's doubtful that is going to change no matter the state of his financial success.
Some people are just mismatched. Though ddame DID say she likes to play the "devil's advocate" so maybe she is moral and ethical too, but just like to rattle his cage a little?
Who knows.... in any case I wish she would come back to thise thread to give us the scoop! ha ha
I think the fact that your partner is in therapy shows self awareness on his part and so that's a good thing. My husband would never do therapy. He just wouldn't. I accept that about him. I mean, in the end all I can do is control myself right? I was doing some individual therapy a few years ago for issues completely unrelated to my spouse, but I did mention to my therapist that we are often at odds about a lot of things because we're are so opposite in almost every way and that how we argue and discuss things causes a lot of stress for me. So we ended up talking about ways that I can manage myself and how I react when we are discussing an issue or arguing. I have to say, that changing how I handled myself with my husband had a positive affect on how he handled himself. It's not perfect and I sometimes slip into old habits, but really, my husband reacts differently, more functional, because of how I've changed my communication.
So sometimes, being the leader in your relationship, not only owning your own stuff, but changing your own stuff, independent of what your partner does or doesn't do, benefits you in the long run. And if it also helps your relationship and maybe helps your partner to start reacting differently because of how you're communicating, that's a bonus.
I think individual counseling could benefit you, not to take the responsibility all on your own or to remove the responsibility from him, but to help you be the best you can be in the relationship, regardless of what your partner does or doesn't do.
I'd rather be happy than be right, but whatever that means to people is up for interpretation. I think there are so many layers to people and to relationships that problems are never about one thing, or maybe it is about one thing on one day, and another thing on another day. Everyone's a work in progress and I think when you're in a relationship, it's not a stagnant thing. It's alive, changing, evolving, all the time. It's freakin' exhausting.
His career is partly to blame, but also other issues that he is going to therapy for... mommy issues, middle child stuff. So if you look at the big picture he is unhappy with where he is in life. If you ask me it all comes back to the way he communicates with the world. Sender-message-listener...
But this black and white thinking, judgmentalness has me minding my every word and action so I don't provoke a personal attack by him. So I hold back and keep quiet.
It didn't used to be like this. I guess in the beginning everyone is on their best behavior in a relationship. Then after a while the true self comes out.