Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I don't typically think of my relationship as abusive. He keeps me very comfortable and takes care of me, always makes me food, dotes on me, very soft and sweet most of the time. But sometimes he gets in these angry moods and he acts like a complete ass. He'll blame me for things that arent my fault (our difficulty finding a new place to rent, the fact that we had to wait on paperwork before we got a new car, etc) or he'll get very snappy and tense. Other times hes gotten very angry at me for making decisions without consulting him first, like when I started therapy again, or when I started taking classes at the community college. He frequently gets upset that I spend too much time away from him, especially seeing friends.
Recently he got snappy and tense in front of my friend. I made a mistake driving and he got very angry, snapping at me that he could drive. When I pulled over to let him drive he was just so visibly angry, slamming on the gas, barely speaking to either of us. I felt so embarassed and awkard. Later my friend pulled me aside and told me that he shouldnt treat me that way. A few days later she reached out and said she was concerned, his behavior reminded her of abusive exes she had, and that she did not want to be around him anymore. I respected that. She's not the first friend to tell me she's worried.
One of my oldest and best friends in the world has the same concerns. She says that his anger scares her, that he treats her like a threat and makes her very uncomfortable. She thinks I deserve so much better.
I know none of this is normal. I know I should get out. But it feels so impossible. I live paycheck to paycheck. My credit it bad. I go through all the scenarios of escape in my head; couch surfing, buying a cheap RV and living in an RV park, moving in with random roomates again (I really dont want that), or maybe getting incredibly lucky and finding a studio I could rent within my means. But it all feels so out of reach. I'm 30 years old and I don't want to start from scratch. I dont know what to do and I feel trapped.
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Good Thursday to you!I've been watching a really long trial on Youtube these last couple of nights and will finish tomorrowHopefully I'll be in the land of nod soon and I hope my peeps are having sweet dreams followed by a great daySending hugs...xo
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
One of the first things abuser's do is to separate their victim from friend's and family
It usually gets worse and potentially violent
Having a roomate and peace of mind is a great trade off in my mind
If you need to go to a shelter
There are crisis number's at the bottom of the page on DS
If you leave please do it in a safe way
That's when abuser's are the most dangerous
I'm so sorry that you're going through this
Big hug of peace sent...xo
I think most of us at some point in our lives---if we are fortunate---come to an awareness of being in some sore of trap. A lot of people don't have that awareness, and spend much of their lives uncomfortably trapped. So even starting over at 30 may really be worth it for 50-60 or even more cage-free years.
You can do this! Get back to your therapist and work with that person
(or a leader you trust who has similar skills) on a safety plan for yourself and a step by step independence plan to make starting over much more pleasant and focused on new things to look forward to rather than just things to escape. Life has given me the opportunity to start over more than once, and I learned that there were great people to meet on those detours, and a few adventures, and more things to be excited about than anxious about. Countries that have junior colleges or technical colleges sometimes have programs that help people making these big life re-boots come up with great temporary plans and wonderful more long-term plans.
Trust the friend who shared that she thinks you deserve much better.
I think your friend is telling you the truth, and you deserve a great future with wonderful people and wonderful experiences to be looking forward to.
Take care. You CAN move on to a better situation, and you DO deserve that.
my hub-a-lub and i have had several abusive phases during our 45 years together. we separate during these phases. family is bigger than a shared address. during these separation phases, we work on our respective selves more than each other. it takes two or more healthy people to have a healthy relationship.
the divorcees of the world might be right, but i'm glad i didn't dump the chump. as each of us have learned to manage our more abusive traits, the doting and fair treatment have gotten sweeter. we both remain human enough to get angry at times, but social distancing through those phases works for us.
but that is me and every case is unique. every relationship is even more unique.
steadying support while you find what works for you.
It's confusing to be so in love with someone who can turn on a dime and lash out in anger. I would never treat anyone I loved the way he sometimes treats me. Unlike your experience, his anger isnt often directed at me, but vocalizing his frustrations about my teen girls. At least he isn't lashing out at them (anymore).
I realized I had taught everyone that I was available to be put down, demeaned, treated with disrespect. Because I allowed so much bad behavior from my ex-husband although I did try to have boundaries with him. Some people will just run over another person's boundaries because they want control.
I asked my ex-husband during our separation, before the divorce, why he treated me so terribly and what he said is the truth: "Because I can." Understand that these people know they can treat us with the disdain and disrespect because we allow it. A stronger person than I was would say no and would never have married this guy or made babies with him.
So, please look up Intermittent Reinforcement. Understand what this is and why it affects your thinking, your brain, and why people stay.
You did not say if you are merely living with this guy or married. If you are married, or have joint ownership of a house or car, please go get a legal consultation to know your rights and responsibilities in those matters. If married, please please go talk to a good family law attorney about your personal situation and what divorce laws are in your area.
I am in a good marriage now but my husband can get emotionally reactive at times. At first, I reacted to his reactions which just was gasoline on his fire. I had to learn to control myself and learned coping skills, gain self-respect skills so I handle things much differently this time. I can call it out now, or I step back and stay calm.
I walked out of the former marriage with a lot of money but lost my daughters and had to rebuild my self-respect. I knew at the beginning that the marriage was bad but my parents were adamant about divorce being awful so I stayed and tried to change him. Everyone has a good side and his good side was money and I made 3 babies with him because this was what I wanted. I didn't realize the trap I was putting myself in and how it would affect the rest of my life.
Some books to look into are about high conflict people, codependency, narcissistic people, or "emotionally immature" people (not researched theory but read for the description of behaviors so you know you are not imaging it). Get yourself educated about these things.
You are only 30, this is young! Should you stay, the chronic stress of living under his anger and control and conflict filled personality may end up giving you health problems at a younger age. Especially women, we tend to suck it up for the good of the family and it statistically affects our hearts!
If you decide to stay, understand why and take care of yourself NOW. Get out of your debt and build a good credit rating. Make a written plan but keep it very secret, never mention your plan and hide it from him. Start saving money in a secret account. Work a second job to save more money or a side hustle. If he drinks or abuses drugs, head over to a few Al Anon meetings and learn about this aspect so you get out of the mix of his addictions.
I don't agree that everyone has times of being abusive in a relationship. There are emotionally mature people who will not be abusive. Yes, people get angry or depressed or have times of stress which is not abusive or abuse. But a mature person handles things differently than someone with a personality flaw or character flaw. A mature person does not blame someone else or try to control or manipulate other folks.
She helped me look at apartments and we found quite a few that I could actually afford. I was surprised. I also have an Aunt who might be able to cosign. Worst case ill just have to move in with roommates while I fix my credit.
Im really ready to leave. I catch myself fantasizing about a better life with a healthier partner all the time. Or even just rediscovering myself a d being single for a while. I dont want to spend forever with someone who scares my friends and sends me into fight or flight.
You can look up social services for help in your state with rent payment. If you don't have one, set up a bank account...saving, not checking and start socking away money for first, last security deposit, and a month rent. Start looking for a different job if needed while you still have a job...your local unemployment office may have classes/help with resumes etc.
When you start taking action, you'll feel much more empowered and clear about What You Want and What Type Of Behavior You Are Willing To Accept. I'm 72, at 30, you have a Long Way To Go...so do what you need to be safe first and create your own happiness down the road.