Healthy Relationships Support Group

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I still love her.

Beautifulworld1972
Beautifulworld1972

  It's been about six months since the final break up between myself and my ex fiance and I went out on a lunch date today and realized something.No matter how bad the relationship with her was due to her alcoholism and my drug addiction I still love her very much.


  As far as I know she is part of the A.A community and has sought help for her alcoholism though the last time that I saw her she was drinking and still abusive towards me so I told her that it wasn't going to work.Although I am a recovering drug addict and am seeking help on an outpatient basis I am not, nor have I ever been abusive towards her.


  Is the fact that I still love her and that I'm not over her a sign that It's not time for me to move on and meet women for coffee and date or is it just that my love for her will never change.I would appreciate any feedback and support.

Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
If you love someone that is abusive and addicted to alcohol it sounds more like a co dependent relationship and that would be toxic

It says more about how you feel about yourself..... Why would you subject yourself to that kind of treatment? and why would you not want to be with someone who treats you with respect??

I'm not asking for you to give me an answer but to think about this for yourself.....

Are you able to get into some therapy?

Codependency in relationships

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
arfie
arfie
It is tragically easy to love and yearn for the impossible. What's an idealist to do?

Even when engaged in a healthy, benevolent romance, it still takes a village to live a healthy life. I would still go for that coffee, just to prevent isolation. It is not a good idea to bring wedding rings to a coffee date, regardless.

So opineth the Arf. . .

Gentle support while you decide which direction to go.
Beautifulworld1972
Beautifulworld1972
I just want to thank SunCloudJD for bringing the fact that I am a codependant to my attention.If it wasn't for you then I would have probably never realized that I suffer from this condition.Thank you for your feedback as well Arfie it is appreciated.
Beautifulworld1972
Beautifulworld1972
I think that I am only partially codependant SunCloudJD because I made it clear to her that I only wanted to be with her if she was sober.
urbangardener
urbangardener
Perhaps the codependency part is needing others to validate our own self esteem and often/usually/always wanting to change, fix, manage other people. Feeling like we don't deserve respect or love unless we "earn" it or do so much for the other person that they just have to love us. Perhaps you are not codependent at all but your yearning for what you can't have or what sounds like it is not healthy for you could be a symptom. One can love another person but recognize the other person is not good for them, not good relationship, not healthy emotionally. I'd encourage you to keep trying. No one feels completely comfortable with a new person on the first date, maybe not for a while. Instant love is a fallacy. We can love someone and decide that we have to put ourselves first and stop going to their well for a drink of their poison water.
Beautifulworld1972
Beautifulworld1972
Thank you for your reply urbangardenor.I actually just went on a coffee date today and realized that as much as she's no good for me I really do still love my ex and I think it's unfortunate that everything that I did to make it work out,all the effort that I made and all the love that I invested in our relationship just wasn't enough to make things work out.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug sweetie.... It can also be about abuse.... I don't know if you read the link I shared it's not all about addiction Beautiful.... xo
Glad2Help
Glad2Help
Hi Beautifulworld1972,
Consider working on your addiction first and hopefully be clean for a while before going back into a relationship. If you suddenly have a baby with whoever it will not only be hard if you are still suffering from substance abuse but it will be unfair to the child. I hope you don’t think I am going too far ahead, but you both have a problem that you need to deal with first. Even if you are not abusive the dependency on a substance can always escalate until it becomes uncontrollable. When you are well and she is sober for some time, you can always give it a second chance.
rmb
rmb
To quote the fabulous Tina Turner, what’s love got to do with it? In all seriousness you can love someone but that doesn’t mean they are in a place for a relationship or that they are even right for you. Love alone is never enough. Being functioning, healthy adults is a huge part of the equation. It’s completely rational to say I can’t be with you unless you stop drinking.

I agree you both need to have some serious time under your belt of sobriety/not using, and truly living clean and healthy. You physically aren’t using but your brain needs to catch up. If you are in treatment and have a counselor I’d discuss what you are experiencing right now in your treatment. I suspect your feelings are not unusual for someone in treatment.
Beautifulworld1972
Beautifulworld1972
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I really find it helpful.
Chilanx
Chilanx
The perspective I have regarding is that life was showing you that you were on two different paths and that you were progressing whilst she was left behind. But now she is catching up to you in a sense of recovery but she may have emeotional issues that she may have to go through. So now you are thinking that the relationship may be salvagable but the question is that are you over your triggers because both of you will then end up at the same point and the cycle of stagnation will continue.
Aronia
Aronia
Generally, people drink and do drugs to cope with underlying issues, whatever they may be. If she gets sober, she may address these issues and change her behaviors. See what happens 6 months -1 year ldown the road. If it is meant to be, maybe there is a way to restart the relationship. Also, by then you may not want her back, because you will change too as a sober person.
Beautifulworld1972
Beautifulworld1972
Thank you all so much for your feedback It's much appreciated.
andrewwalker
andrewwalker
Well, bad habits are the main reason nowadays why relationships are ruining. Drinking is fine, but after drinking, she's abusing you, that's not fine at all. If she truly cares about you and your feelings she will truly work on it. If she doesn't, then staying away from her is the best option for you.
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