Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My husband has been asking to have sex with another person. I said ok bkz he said it would just be sex and I thought I would be ok with it. So it hasn't worked out to be about sex. He met his woman ten days ago and the plan was for her to be the "just sex" person, they have been spending hours of time together EVERY single day just laying around and talking and cuddling. They are talking on the phone and texting all day. They are telling each other they are going through withdrawal when they haven't seen each other in twelve hours. So it became clear to me that this is developing into something deeper. So we discussed it and he let me know he's not going to stop talking to her (but agrees that he can see the potential for deeper feelings to develop ). Then he told me likes having sex with her better, and she smells better and he likes talking with her better. At that point I thought he would follow that up with he wants a divorce. But he keeps saying he wants to be with me and doesn't want a divorce. but I just don't see how those things fit together. And I don't want a divorce. We have actually been working really hard on fixing our relationship with some improvements. And In the last few days, I have been acting like a hysterical crazy person bkz I just can't stop hurting over how he could put their relationship with me before her. And acting like a crazy/hysterical person isn't going to result in him wanting to stay with me but I'm just having so much trouble controlling it. This just hurts so bad. I just feel so worthless - how could he want someone he has known for ten days more than he wants me? And unfortunately, I don't think much of her. So the idea that he prefers this woman (who I see as immature, entitled, not that bright, unsuccessful in life, rude, and uprofessional) over me is just crushing. It makes me think I must be an absolutely horrible person and a wife, if he prefers someone like her who he has known for all of ten days. This just hurts so much. And I can't seem to pull it together. And is don't have friends or supports or anyone to talk to him except him. And im just pushing him away further by continuing to be hysterical and wanting to talk about it. And reading this over , it seems like the obvious solution is he and I get a divorce but that really isn't what I want.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Your kids will be ok. Divorce is hard for them yes, but a dysfunctional, sick relationship between parents is even harder. Kids sense when a parent is hurting no matter how hard you try to keep it from them.
If you don’t want divorce, what do you want? Because if you think he is just going to change and be the man you hope he can be, he is not. He just isn’t.
It is a terrible thing he is doing. I do not think he just suddenly fell for someone he just met. I suspect there is more to it. I know it hurts. It would hurt me too. But you have to find strength right now and perhaps talk to a therapist or someone.
You also can tell him enough. You know that you do not have to put up with this, right? Try to convert the hurt to action.
I am so sorry you are going through this. One of the main things I noticed in your post is that he is your only friend (or so you feel). I suggest you try and find other outlets and yes it will be soo hard in the place right now. Be your own person, know what you want, and demand what you need. This is a lifelong journey, but it can start in small steps.
Do you like bowling? cards? knitting? Is there any social group you can go to that is all about you and what you like? Belly dancing (that is a work out and a half)
Do you have a passion? Love volunteering? Feel like you can give back tot he community? Go and set yourself up with a commitment to get out there and do what you love. Don't know what you love? Go and try a few things.
Are you reliant on him from need? Do you need a drivers license? money- maybe a part-time job?
Get a 3rd party professional to help you navigate these strong emotions and give you some equilibrium. Yes counselling can be expensive, and there is stigma to it, but a neutral 3rd party who has training in our brains and how they work can be sooo freeing, they also don't usually tell you to resort to revenge methods or anger, but help you move through the pain, grief, frustration and to a better, stronger place. Often you can get free help through different means.
Have a spa day. You feel attacked, vulnerable and it sounds like you are turning in in yourself. Go get your nails done, hair done, do your makeup, anything that makes you feel good. That sweater that makes you feel loved, wear it.
I took a boundaries course years ago, it led to physical assault and my divorce, and probably the second best decision of my life. I am not religious but the one I took was free at a church and lasted 10 weeks, lots of biblical references. Check it out. The messaging made sense, the activities were real, the support genuine. Having that weekly meeting and understanding what your values, roles, responsibilities, the stories you tell yourself and how to reassert yourself can do wonders. You are worthy. Now say it again.
Journal, unless you think it isn't safe to do so. Keep us updated.
Best of luck to you! If you change you and your responses, you change the dynamic. So, you can't control him , but you do control you. I believe in you!