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My fiance and I are well enough off. Granted I came from nothing and he came with a silver spoon up his ass so we have different opinions. Recently we came in to some money. It just so happened to coincide with a few things. First off he got it on a Sunday, when we normally do our grocery shopping. Plus our daughter needed some supplies for gingerbread house making.
Well he goes off on a tangent about how I always have to go spend money the second we get it. And he makes me feel like shit about buying groceries and the things for our daughter. He's always doing that with money. What do I spend money on? Our bills, our daughter, and him. I haven't owned an article of clothing that wasn't from a second hand store (minus one sweater I bought on clearance) in a year. He has bought a snowboard, bindings, boots, a new jacket....no, two new jackets, snow pants, jeans, and a suit. I also bought a bridesmaid dress I should say. Mine cost me $125. His suit was $450.
But he always makes me feel like a money grubbing loser. When we got together I was the bread winner. But then he got a good job, we had our daughter, I agreed to run in home child care so that I could raise her. So of course now I make less. Probably about half what he does. And he is always throwing money in my face. I grew up homeless for part of my childhood, often starving. So yea, when we get money I like to stock the house with food.
Well he goes off on a tangent about how I always have to go spend money the second we get it. And he makes me feel like shit about buying groceries and the things for our daughter. He's always doing that with money. What do I spend money on? Our bills, our daughter, and him. I haven't owned an article of clothing that wasn't from a second hand store (minus one sweater I bought on clearance) in a year. He has bought a snowboard, bindings, boots, a new jacket....no, two new jackets, snow pants, jeans, and a suit. I also bought a bridesmaid dress I should say. Mine cost me $125. His suit was $450.
But he always makes me feel like a money grubbing loser. When we got together I was the bread winner. But then he got a good job, we had our daughter, I agreed to run in home child care so that I could raise her. So of course now I make less. Probably about half what he does. And he is always throwing money in my face. I grew up homeless for part of my childhood, often starving. So yea, when we get money I like to stock the house with food.
I have never been able to handle finances responsibly because I was never allowed to make Adult decisions at home. Gran refuses to relinquish power and says, "You'll never get a job!" or "You're supposed to be looking after me!" Perhaps that was the reason I was unable to hold onto a job when I was younger. (my Asperger's also had an influence on my workshy behaviour at that age)
Looking back, I should've listened to my gut instinct as a kid and leave school at 16 and find work. I'm sure I would've made a better crack of my life then. I felt I had been singled out to go to Grammar School to study A'Levels. That plays into the feeling I am being punished for making an effort in school.
Apologies for the tangent, but it was been a rough day. :|
From looking at those expenses, obviously the house and its associated tax and maintenance are the biggies. Any way to down-size, sell it and move into a smaller house?
ps. This is split down the middle regardless of what percentage you or him our putting in the pot. If u get my drift. if you bring in 500 and he brings in 1000, it's 1500 in the pot, after bills, it's split down the middle. IF he is not willing to do this, he is not thinking family man, he is thinking single guy. married or not, you and your daughter our his family and it is his responsibility to care for you both.
Housing is costly here. If we sell to move in to a smaller place we won't be saving much. We paid $225 000 for our house and got a steal of a deal. It was listed at $50 000 more then that. And they could of gotten it if they were not desperate. But we can afford the mortgage. We just don't always have all the left over cash he wants.
Our internet bill just went up as we were on a promo plan so we are looking at switching it to something cheaper. Our TV is actually sort of his parents, long story, but we only pay $10 a month for satellite this way.
We agreed on a joint account and no single accounts. To me, personally, no offense intended, that seems like a cop out of the relationship. If I can't throw all my money in the same pot how can I be expected to put all my effort in? I dunno, it just always seemed like separate accounts screamed 'not in this for the long haul!'. That being said, I do have an envelope system where I put some of the cash I'm paid each month in and one of the envelopes is spending cash. It's my cash but we both use it for petty things. As well as I have a Mexico fund, a wedding fund (that just started after we finished paying all our expenses for his sisters wedding), a house fund and a snowboarding/golf fund. I find it easier to save if I have it in front of me and we do have a safe to keep it all in.
We can afford ALL of our expenses. Just not with the massive cushion left over that he grew up being used too.
No offense taken, and hope you take no offense from what I'm about to say, but I think your above thinking on the matter is flawed and is a recipe for disaster. I'll agree with you that, when we give money, we give love, so the separate accounts can be more of a guideline than a rule, but I think separate accounts should definitely set up. You guys can then always donate money to each other or ask for money from each other voluntarily.
You can be EMOTIONALLY attached to each other for all eternity and still keep FINANCES separate. I think it's actually HEALTHIER for a relationship to keep finances separate. Gives you both healthy self-esteem, "What's yours is yours and what's mine is mine, you're in charge of this bill and I'm in charge of that bill", and avoids this kind of mess and these kinds of unpleasant arguments when finances comingle, are all mixed together in the same big pot.
This is also why there are prenuptual agreements before marriage. A prenup in my opinion is an absolute necessity when there's money involved. You can still say "I love you" with a prenup, but a prenup makes things realistic, says "We both walk into this with x. Should we both maturely decide to end this relationship and divorce, you only get x and I only get x".
This is the business of life.
On the positive, I'm sure you both work very hard, he just happens to have a job that the marketplace values more.
Can you expand your education, without spending a fortune? Maybe take a short certification course to upgrade your status in some specialized area of your career that could make your skillset more valuable in the job marketplace so you could make more money?
Who said I wasn't happy with my personal income? We DISCUSSED me doing this as a job instead of going to work outside the home. I make more money this way then I would outside the home any how. If I had to pay for child care I would make less. We, as a couple, agreed to this route. I do take courses to expand my business. Going back to school for something else isn't feasible.
When he and I met I made way more money then he did. We had separate accounts for many many years. Until our daughter was born actually. I paid more of the bills then he did, and I never regretted it. We were together, we had bills together, we had a life together. Why wouldn't I share my money? I still feel like that (one reason I'm against separate accounts). If we can't get past this, if any couple can't get past the joint account issue, then they shouldn't be together. So if we can't get past this then yes, I will leave. We have nine years together, for half of that I was the bread winner, and I won't be treated like a problem now that he is finally at a place in his life where he makes acceptable money (in his eyes, I always thought that as long as you are working you are doing great regardless of wage) and it's gone to his head.
I hate this part of your post #22.. "instead of wanting to take more of your fianc's hard-earned bucks.
They have a child together. It's a joining. might as well already be a marriage!!
She wasn't stingy and begrudging with him while she made more money than he did.
I think you're missing the point of the post. they aren't poor. If they were poor he shouldn't be snow boarding and buying boots and jackets!
It's more about his stingy, begrudging attitude. Him thinking that pampering himself is justified .. while she should go without things she WANTS.
It's their money. not HIS money. He shouldn't be complaining about her decisions on how to spend it. She sounds very prudent. When he takes that attitude it's almost like he is being her parent.
It's not good.
If he is not happy about the way money flows, there is no other way but to divide finances in some way.
We have money going into a joint account for bills and food, we calculated this amount, split in half and each contribute the same amount. The rest goes into our separate accounts and we use it for whatever - joint or separate pleasure or necessities, but at least the bills are paid.
Above and beyond that I think both parties should be agreeable to equitable sharing of the remaining disposable income on discretionary spending for non-essential stuff like entertainment and toys, regardless who earns what.
Absent this kind of buy-in and mutual respect friction and drama are unavoidable. Sounds like he has some growing up to do.
A little harder to do when one person is a stay at home parent.
It's so easy for a begrudging spouse to discount the stay at home parents contribution. Though I realize that Jolene has a job she is doing from home.
Very easy for the one who earns more to develop a contemptuous attitude and a feeling of superiority because they are "earning the most money" Then the "critical spirit" ( another thing I learned from Dr. Phil lol) sets in.
It's really difficult doing the most important work in the world ( raising children) yet getting no respect for it. A woman really has to know who she is and not let societies mixed up values influence her.
Not to be picking on Koolman, but when he says.. go out and earn more money... At what cost? So she can let strangers raise her child? So society will see HER as a "winner"
Her husband should WANT her to have nice coffee time with her Mother! Jolene works her butt off and not only will he NOT change a light bulb, he also begrudges her coffee??
I could rant for days on this topic!
Make it clear to him that it must change or you will take action to change it yourself. The specific action you take is up to you, but he can't pretend to not know after a calm and serious discussion about it.
I raise other people's children for a living. I change bums, I potty train, I teach them to talk, to write, to use scissors, to sing, to play board games. I have witnessed the first step a few times while parents were away working, I've got to clap and sing over the first successful potty, I get the sleep snuggles during the day.
In a lot of families both parent's have to work. And that's completely okay. You need to do what you need to do. But he and I discussed it, and my doing this meant that I didn't have to work outside the home. So I could stay and raise our daughter alongside other's kids. We could afford it. I never imagined it would eventually turn in to him treating me like this over money as I don't make as much.
He goes to work at 7am and is home between 4 and 6pm. That's it. He comes home and watches TV, plays games, he does take our daughter to dance classes and soon swimming lessons. I start work at 6am and I work until 6pm. I also cook, clean, do laundry, take out the trash, mow the lawn (he does shovel in winter and I'm grateful for that), do minor house repairs, entertain children, feed the pets and do all the grooming and cage cleaning, make all the phone calls and appointments, go to the park, play dates (with 6 kids it's not an easy task), sanitize tons of toys, sweep, mop, wash walls and light switch covers, and I make sure our daughter brushes her teeth, I read her her bed time story, I tuck her in. But because I don't make as much as he does I'm stealing his hard earned bucks? He works hard......at work. I work hard all the time. It's our relationship so it should be our money and if all the bills are paid and we have all we need for the month I shouldn't have to explain why I bought a $15 shirt, or why I put $20 extra on my credit card instead of doing something else that I wanted too.
We have a 'nest egg' in our safe. Right now it's at $700. Not huge but we did just spend a bunch on a home reno. I shouldn't say we....he spent it. Didn't ask me, didn't have me help him pick out the product, just came home and said this is what I'm doing. I wasn't mad he spent the money....I was mad that he didn't ask my input on the tile. I don't like them....at all. And his response was 'well it's my money'. It's things like that that are going to end up with me packing a couple bags and taking our daughter and leaving.
We have had another talk about it and he has promised to try to stop. But actions speak louder then words. I really hope he can do it because I love him and I signed up for the long haul in this relationship.
He is probably listening to his Dad. That is so sad. He forgot that his mom was there while his Dad was at work...weeks at a time. Hate to say it but his Dad is a "Rig Pig" and he will influence his son. And I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you. What about when your daughter starts to have social needs? Is she going to be made to go without while Dad has it all? This is what you want her to believe a healthy relationship is?
I would seriously reconsider your options with this man. He is exhibiting how he was brought up. This is all he knows, this is what he saw growing up. You have an uphill battle. I wish you luck.