It's not really about the money... He is picking and is disrespectful.
My
Exh used to do this to me too. Now he is
Paying bills by himself!!

It has nothing to do with you spending money. He's blame-shifting, and it's something he learned as a child. He probably heard it when he was growing up, and now he's spewing it at you. Funny but I'm the same, I feel good when the fridge and cupboards are fully stocked with food.

You need to straighten him out. Keep his bills and expenses for a month and compare them to yours. Put it on an Excel chart and categorize them as Household & Personal expenses, so he can see that his snowboards, $450. suits, bindings, snow pants, jackets, etc. is what's eating up the money.

Btw, that house looks like it needs new windows and doors ;o)

That's no good! I understand you guys have a child together, but I'd really put the brakes on before taking the next step into marriage. He's controlling and that's not a good sign, he's also seems resentful of you.

I know someone who went through the same thing, I can tell you what helped. She began consulting her partner on every single purchase, even the small ones..."can I buy...?". Eventually the man was so sick of hearing can I buy this, or can I buy that...he told her to just buy what she needed and to stop calling him. I think he got the hint because their arguments about her spending stopped. What he actually realized, was the things she was asking for were always within reason, hearing the purchases out loud, I think he realized that he trusted her spending habits and finally acknowledged that she was buying what they needed and there wasn't a problem. It's easy to look at a statement and see how much was spent, but it's not always easy to think about what and where that money is going towards.

I hope you're able to find a solution that works best for both of you. *hugs*

He is being controlling.
Nip that shit in the bud!

I like the advice given here. Quite the funny mention of the op's house needing repairs replier #2. The op has a good sense of humor I do hope. The spreadsheet idea is a wonderful idea #2. Let us hope the man (boyfriend or husband) does not now watch his spending habits in order to prove to the op that he is not spending money fruitlessly. Maybe the op should keep track of the spending privately and then bring forth the data. But then that in turn might backfire if he learns he is secretly being observed and recorded. I like the idea also replier #3 of over-asking for every purchase. Perchance the man will get the hint as does the one in the example given.
He is guilty and therefore he is casting his guilt upon you, reaching for you to be at fault when you are not. Your words deliver your sense of frustration and anger.

Betrayedintoronto, Great post!


Jolene, Don't let him make you feel like a money grubbing loser. You know you work hard and what he is saying isn't true.

I so agree with betrayed, he was probably made to feel bad as a child and he is saying the same thing to you that a parent said to him.

If you let him upset you, you are feeding his anger and giving him what he wants. Which in my opinion is to transfer his angst to you.

I don't really like the idea of you asking him before every purchase no matter how small. That might work with a kind compassionate person but from some of your posts, I'm not sure this guy fits that bill.

I would keep receipts and when he starts to come unhinged stay calm and tell him. "The receipts are there, feel free to look through them and we can discuss which purchases you feel were unnecessary. The main thing is to stay calm!! Don't get defensive because you have nothing to defend.

Good luck

You guys have to sit down, plan a budget, work out which chunk of whose money goes for what, then stick to it.

Disagreements about money is the #1 cause of breakups and divorce. Whoever controls the money controls the relationship. The only way to make this relationship, and this relationship with money work is to take emotions out of the picture, and become entirely logical about money, for the common good, of running a smooth household.

If you guys sit down and write up a list of both your incomes versus all your expenses, I'm sure he'll see the logic, of where money needs to be allocated and what your daughter needs.

Also, begin collecting coupons for those groceries and other things your daughter needs! You may be overspending on those things, and with coupons, might rack up a bundle in savings. $.29 here, $1 there--it does add up! Also, analyze the KINDS of foods you're buying. Naturally, check the nutritional content as well as price. Cut out sugar and processed flour and you all could be healthier as well as saving a bundle on groceries.

We have been together for almost 9 years. In the start it was his account and then my account and we split bills half and half. When I got pregnant we joined accounts (I went to his because he had been with his bank longer then I had mine) because I was on maternity leave and that's about 60% of what you made the past year.

He wasn't at all like this in the start. Lately it's been crazy. I'm not sure if something someone said set him off. I'm a little suspicious of his dad because his dad makes about $1000 a day and his mother has never worked in her life....and now they are on the cusp of a divorce. My SO has been spending time with his dad a lot lately. And his dad has become bitter.

I do ask him before most purchases. But even if I presented him with receipts he would get mad. My mum and I go to Tim Hortons. I buy her coffee and a donut, I spend $8 total for the two of us, and he demands I explain why I did that. My dad died when I was 7, my mum worked 3 jobs at a time to keep us usually fed and usually housed. There were times when we went hungry and there were times we went homeless, but she did all she could. So if I want to buy her 1000 damn coffees I'm going too! It's like two bucks at a time.

Our house actually does need new windows lol. But that's more money then we have at all. Our picture window alone is $10 000.

I do coupon :). I'm in Canada so it's not that great, but I do it. I also price match. I spend hours of my time scouring and clipping and organizing, then another two hours in a grocery store, to save us money.

I wrote out a whole big spread sheet for us. Showed him that about 80% of our income right now goes towards bills. But he still gets mad and demands to know where it's going. Even after I show him! We do have some bad spending habits. We eat out more than we should and that bothers him. I try to make sure we eat at home but there are times where it just doesn't happen. We don't set out to eat out generally. But we will be running errands, or my daughter dances on Thursdays until 530 and we may have something to do after so we grab a burger on the go. When we eat out its as cheap as possible and as little as possible. I never order what I want off the menu, I always order what's cheapest to avoid the fight. And I do pay about $60 a month to get my nails done. But that's not bank account money. One of my clients pays me in cash as she only pays maybe $200 a month. And I keep enough out of that to do my nails. That is 100% my own money. And I have seriously thought about cancelling it so that he can't throw that in my face too.

Last night we had an argument and he told me I spend way more then he does because I get my nails done, and I go for coffee, and I buy ebooks. So I got mad and pointed out that we pay $150 for his Y hockey, and then two months later we pay $350 for his ball hockey league, plus over $100 every time he snow boards, golf in the summer is $75 a pop. We paid $300 for new clubs for him in an auction a couple years ago. His snow board set up was easily $1000 all together. Yet I don't have a freaking vacuum because my cheap garage sale one broke and I can't spend $50 on a new one. And my camera has been busted for almost a year and a half and nope...I don't see a new one in my hand. Two things I have wanted for years now.

He didn't stop arguing but he switched gears to another argument.

He has to blame you because it makes him feel better. He feels guilty every time he goes out and buys things just for him, and it's a way for him to rid himself of the guilt that he feels but won't admit to himself. He also sounds like he may have some narcissistic tendencies as well. Hugs GB

Just your fiancee? WHY do you two want to marry each other? There's no mutual respect between the two of you.

All that money and miserable. May I ask what you two and his dad (who makes $1,000 a day!) do for a living?

I agree a koolman. Lots of money coming in the door and you're both miserable.

His dad makes that much, we aren't even close to that sort of income. His dad has been on the rigs since he was 16 and he does some job that only a few in the country are trained for. They used to (he's semi retired now) ship him to the States, Mexico, New Zealand, Afghanistan and a bunch of other places.

We make much much much less then his dad and we have more bills. We have a mortgage($1000), a car($335), then there is the usual bills like utilities($350), phone($150), internet($90), our daughter has monthly dance payments($50), credit cards($150), house insurance ($100), property taxes ($150), groceries($450), etc etc etc. Plus bills that are not monthly but regular like car insurance ($350 every 3 months), vet bills ($200-$400 a year), house maintenance ($300 to $1000 a year) etc etc etc. So while we bring in enough to live we also need to pay enough to live. My fiance works construction, but it's year round. He makes $23/hr, I run a day home so I can stay at home with our daughter and what I make ranges from $4 to $12 per hour depending on a bunch of factors including expenses.

We have been engaged for 5 years. I'm not wiling to take the next step yet. The money issue is newer, we have some other things we have to work out from before, and now this, before we even start planning to become husband and wife.