That's great veggie!! Keep us posted! Super hugs!!

That’s wonderful VQ. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for you to make. I’ve been on the receiving end of this exact same thing. I did not want a divorce. But I accepted and supported my former spouses decision. It was very hard, and she was courageous. She’s so much happier now. And that was the important thing for me. Hugs.

Know that i will keep you in thoughts and prayers. One step at a time is all we can take.

Thank you all so much. :)

Good for you!!!

Happy for you, Veggiequeen!

UPDATE......The initial meet went well. Things are pretty much 50-50 here in PA (unless we agree or adjust otherwise) It has to sit for 90 days after filed before it would be granted (provided he goes along with it) If he doesn't I will have to wait a year and the $$$ will go up. I am praying very hard since neither of us will be rolling in $$$ that he will soon change his mind.

He asked where I was going and I told him. He was upset and basically avoided me when I got home saying nothing. (Hmm... not alot different than other days)

And it’s his choice to discuss it but that damn emotion thing gets in the way. The mandatory year and attorney on the tab for the entire time. Prayers my friend for you and your only choice you had to begin.

Congratulations !!!
Your husband will be very upset with you for a few months but he will come around and you will get settled peacefully and start your new life.
This is the hardest part, the rest is easier.

I am so grateful to have come on here and reached out to others. It has been difficult and miserable for some time, To have others who understand to help me find the courage to actually start to think about myself and believe i deserve better has been a Godsend .

PS I do still have an occasional moment when I stop and think "What the hell am I doing?" ...so I may need an occasional light head slap to help send me continuing smoothly (or simply trudging ) through what is yet to come. Thank you.

So proud of you :) :)

VQ, I see your struggle to feel confident about moving onto a life without your husband, and I really feel for you. I found living with my ex was easier when I detached emotionally from him. We were living together over 1 year from when I first mentioned divorce. I had to save my soul. I avoided him, I stopped looking in his (vacant) eyes when I was speaking to him. I knew it was going to be a long haul before the divorce would be over, and I wanted to make sure his pity-party-woe is me act didn't sway me from what I knew I must do. I was monotone toward him and didn't ask him anything unless I absolutely had to. Most of his responses to anything over the years were IDK anyway (totally apathetic about most things) so I realized there was no value in even speaking to him; it was a lesson in futility. Basically, I started treating him the way he had treated me - like a pile of dog sh*t you step away from. In addition, I stopped washing his laundry. If the kids weren't home, I cooked only for me. If they were home, I called everyone to dinner just once. Because he was always so engrossed in watching tv, I stopped going into the living room directly in front of the tv to tell him dinner was ready. Sometimes we were almost done eating before he got up off his fat a$$ and noticed we were eating. He'd ask "why didn't you tell me dinner was ready?". Someone would respond to him "we did". I stopped making his lunches for work (which I found out he threw away anyway). When the dentist or doctors office called asking why he missed his appointments, I just gave them his cell phone number. I stopped caring. It took awhile, but in the process I started to finally care more about me.

It might help you if you start re-framing your life. He's not "hubby", he's "stbx". (It took awhile for me to start using the phrase stbx, but it felt kinda empowering once I did.) You can stop making memories with him. For New Years, get out of the house, or see a fireworks display from a different room than he's in. Make snacks just for you. You have someone who has attached himself to you in a very needy co-dependent way (as was my case) and you really have to shake him off. That shaking has to come from within you and delaying it, or doing it every so slowly, only prolongs the pain. Put yourself first.

Wishing you the best for the new you, the new year.

@jojored.... You are right. it is just hard because in my mind...I am still "attached" so responsible to be nice and civil. We did just have a chat. He asked if I was ever going to tell him what the lawyer said (I went on my own) I explained exactly what was said. Again he said he doesn't want a divorce. he said he took vows and they are supposed to be forever. I explained again...how I am feeling and that all things i want to work toward he does not care about.

We did talk and he said put myself in his shoes....Given what I have done (checking into all this behind his back....) he no longer trusts me. I do realize I have given him reason and I am not proud of that. I did try to explain.... given he doesn't trust me and I am not happy...the fact that sharing our home....is comfortable and safe is not really enough to keep us together.

Yes, I am ashamed to say I am still trying to do this smoothly and amicably. Also, I would love to use the phrase stbx...but is that accurate if he does not want this and is going to prolong things?

Thanks for the well wishes and please stay close as i may need a gentle head slap or two soon as I get caught up in his cleverly disguised guilt......again.

I do wish all the best for you in the New Year as well. :)

Yes STBX is still valid!! The S doesn't always stand for "soon", so substitute it with "Someday".

I'll say again (here's your head slap), you have to STOP putting his needs and concerns first. Of course he doesn't want you to stop taking care of his needs. That's been his comfort zone for all of these years. The one-sided-ness of your marriage. It's not "fair" that your marriage has always been one sided, and the truth is that he will never change to accommodate you. It's just not in him. Years and years of him showing this to you everyday is your proof. You don't need any more.

Don't fall for his guilt tripping about you checking in with a lawyer. You told him you wanted to end the marriage, right? That you were unhappy on the most basic fundamental level? That he has zero interest in accommodating your needs. What's the surprise that you took the next step. His ignorance (or feigned ignorance, I'm not sure which he has) gives him ZERO grounds for claiming you to be going behind his back. The dude has got to wake up! But that's his trick, isn't it. Playing dumb. Playing hurt. Playing innocent. It's his way of emotionally controlling you.

Again, I recommend re-imagining your life, re-framing all of your thoughts as if you were already divorced. Think along those lines, as in: if I were unmarried and living in my own home, what would I make for dinner tonight? Then go make that, at whatever time you want to eat. It's not that you have to be un-civil, but the guy can get to the kitchen and make food for himself, right? Playing house will just keep both of you stuck in that safe zone. Start imaging a future without him, and you might just have an easier time attaining that future. It really is right there in front of you.

Thanks, I needed that. lol. I have been toying with the idea of setting up one of the spare rooms (which already is basically my craft room). I need a futon for when I am finally out and would love to make a haven for myself at the other end of the house.. ( I have done the hiding out in my room all those years ago and I will not go back to that again.....but to have a pleasant escape to relax would be nice)

I worry if this is drawn out. Financially, it will kill us. You are right though...as long as i make nice and keep doing it makes it way too comfortable and far more difficult for us both. So I will work on quickly ripping off that band aid.

Thanx....... and happy new year. (I am sure it will be better for both of us.) :)