Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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cottontail 05/19/2020

I have posted so many times on here about my husband. eventually after three weeks of hell where he is has basically ignored and blanked me by going into silent moods and basically excluding me from his life i asked him what he wanted to do about our marriage. it has got to the point that i am scared to open my mouth and even when i do he will say 'yeh, yeh, yeh' to make me shut up. The constant secrets have just eaten away at me and i do not even try anymore. I feel that i am boring as most of the time he wont take his eyes of the 24/7 tv programme to look at me when i talk.

anyway on saturday he agreed that we would sell the house and split up. honestly the relief i felt was amazing, i was a bit sad but mostly relief that i had hope for some peace. we spoke about doing the house up and estate agents. then on sunday he is being nice to me. asking me about my day and offering me a cup of tea. He never does this, he is normally not interested in my day.

So today i mention about selling the house again, i can tell that he is not keen. i think because he has realised that the cosy domestic life that he has built where he just does what he wants and gets his needs all settled i.e meals and housework not to mention the financial contribution that i make is about to end. However he says nothing, this is an example of how he gives me nothing. No i love you, i want us to try to sort it out etc as usual nothing but silence as he pathetically sits there sad glued as usual to the tv.

it is just doing my head in, i would rather have an arguement than this. So many times i have tried to talk to him but it always ends the same, he either walks away or just stays silent. six months ago i told him the same and he actually fell asleep while i was waiting on him saying something.

i have wasted 15 years of my life with this guy, i am nearly 60. i feel like i am being a bad person, but i feel like if he really loved me he would at least try. my gut is that he doesnt love me, it is just his fear of losing his domestic set up that is worrying him. He has continually over the years done things that he knows upsets me and he has made no attempts to even try to change.

i feel like i am going off my head because really at my age i dont want to be on my own but i just want honesty and sharing from him. These are two atributes that he appears unable to give me.

even last week while home working, i had a skype meeting and because i had asked him if i could turn the tv off as my grandson age 5 said that he couldnt concentrate on his school work he went in a mood and stormed out. He wasnt even watching it and he left me with 3 young children and a skype meeting to host. They werent even dressed and needed lunch. this is an example of the spiteful things that he does to punish me. i am honestly scared to ask him if we dont have the tv on, do housework or repairs in the house etc etc.

i am so sorry to spend so long on this, please forgive my rants. i just feel like i am mentally going crazy. inside although i am scared i really want to get away from this guy. but part of me still pines for the hope that i had many years ago when we got married but i have mostly lost hope .

i cannot afford counselling and i dont want to burden my children with my on going marriage issues.

has anyone been through similar ?

rmb 05/19/2020

I think you have to stop expecting some kind of change or that he will be reasonable. That's your part in the dysfunction, expecting something different when he shows you all the time who he is. Defnition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, as the saying goes.

Just because he agreed and is now not responsive doesn't mean you can't file for divorce. I would discuss with an attorney your options.

I would normally agree to not want to bring your children into your marriage issues; however, if there is something they can do to sort of get you unstuck or you think they would want to understand what you're going through and how miserable you are, I think you should perhaps clue one of them in. I can tell you if you were my mom and she was in this situation, I'd want to know.
And I'd be doing one of two things: Helping you get a plan together to leave or having a sit down with you husband on how to act right.

mlr0853 05/19/2020

I totally agree with rmb...except the sit down...he's Not Going To Change.
Get a plan together, look on line for 'plans' for women who are abused to get out of their homes safely. This doesn 't mean you are or will be hurt, rather it's a Good way to find a plan. If you have joint accounts, take half money out and open your own account at the bank. Credit cards, same. You also have a choice...live as an individual in the house, meaning cook 'your meals, do your laundry, move into a separate room and keep that clean....you are not a slave! Contact an attorney or look online for your state about divorce and settlements etc. Another possibility is to get an appraisal on the house, and have him buy you out if he doesn't want to move. I guess I'm thinking to save 'your sanity' you'll need to ''take care of you and your needs", waiting for him to move is like trying to get blood from a rock. Best To You!

urbangardener 05/19/2020

I am sorry you are so stressed. While divorce can be a loss, it really sounds like you are miserable and expecting husband to meet your emotional needs when he either won’t or can’t. Your choice is to save yourself or live in the dysfunction and emotional fallout from wanting love from a man who is unloving. He is controlling as the silent treatment is a control mechanism and putting you down is also control. What if the problem is not fixable by you and what if the problem is not you? Although we add to it by our reactions and ways of thinking. He is difficult and this isn’t going to change. You both felt relief the other day but maybe he really wants to be in control. Go to an attorney who is very skilled with divorce as soon as possible. Like tomorrow. Maybe focusing on your own private plan for the change. Start cleaning out closets of your stuff on your own. Make your plan in writing of what you need to do and expect non-cooperation from him. Start with your finances and getting your own single accounts. Get ready to move yourself without talking to him. He won’t give you the attention or respect you need. Plan for him to continue being his same difficult and controlling self. Maybe even more controlling. He may think you are bluffing or want to be the one who ends up more than while you end up less than. You can force the sale of the house in the divorce or he can get a new mortgage to buy your half out, depending on your local laws of course. For now, protect yourself. Get therapy if you need to.

veggiequeen 05/19/2020

You have suffered from emotional and verbal abuse ( not to mention neglect) for far too long. Even if just briefly, you did finally get the validation from him (before he had time to rethink) seeing and hearing that he too knows it is time to move on. rmb is right-- there is no law that says you cannot go forward with this on your own. The attorneys alm0st always do give a free consult first. This will give you an idea what you need to do.

Is time to discuss with your kids. You can definitely use their support (and while you worry about not always being there with the grandkids.. you will always be there for them and do what you can, They know this and should not expect more of you than you will always give . )

Warm thoughts, prayers and strength being sent your way again and always. You have more here behind you than you think. Love and hugs, Kim

rmb 05/20/2020

I also believe that sometimes what we think is hoping, hoping it will change, that’s really just fear of taking action. I think you know it’s never going to change and knowing that is putting the ball in your court which means you are the driver here of your own happiness. If not you, who?

Not saying it is easy. It is not at all. I hope you find the strength and get the support needed to take those steps.

Anij34 05/20/2020

Have you attended any therapy recently either by yourself or together? I would highly recommend that as a first step, before putting the house up for sale. Get yourself stable and encourage him to join you with couples therapy. If he still refuses you should continue on by yourself and there you will have an answer. To move on or not.

BkindBthoughtful 05/21/2020

I am so sorry for all you are going through. You deserve to have a happy life and enjoy yourself and being around your grandchildren. You never know what tomorrow may bring so do your best not to live in fear, (I am still working on this). To stay with someone because you are afraid to be alone is understandable. It is one of my own fears. But I think if you can get the support to leave him it could lead to a life where you are happy and you can make new friends and surround yourself with them and family and you won't be alone. You are not crazy you are just experiencing so many emotions at once. I agree with everyone that you should come up with a plan and seek legal advice. Be prepared and protect yourself. Be honest with yourself and list the pros and cons of staying. Sometimes when we can come to realize what is at the root of our fears we can learn to conquer them and move forward. Hang in there.

SunCloudJD 05/21/2020

Big hug cottontail …. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you're in

I have to agree with rmb as well

My marriage broke up later in life as well and I now have peace of mind... It's the best thing for me

There isn't any anxiety.... I think your husband has been showing you for some time who he is and you have to decide what's best for you

There is a lot to be said for living without the anxiety … Another hug.....xo

DownedMango 05/21/2020

I was in a similar situation with my first boyfriend, fiancee actually. He was sweet and drew you in. We dated happily for 2 years then wanted to move in together after he proposed to me. We got an apartment and things quickly started to go down hill. He loved his guns and his games. Put them above me all of the time. It was what he wanted when he wanted it. He was constantly trying to force me to do things I didn't want to sexually and enjoyed slapping me and choking me out while having bedroom time. While he abused me this way he would neglect me and treat me like a trophy, get me nice dresses and things i liked to where so I could dress up and show off what HE had. It took me far too long to realize what all was going on. It got to the point he was taking the car in the middle of the night or going on walks either really early or late. If we rough housed and he got accidentally hit he would just snap, he caused an injury I am trying to deal with currently even though it happened almost 6 or 7 years ago. I stayed because I was always hoping he would change, he would tell me he would work on it and I was stupid and believed him. He got himself fired from his job and left me to pay our rent and all the bills, including food and the occasional treat, for six months, on top of doing all the house work, while he sat on the couch all day and played his games or watched YouTube. He never did change and I was terrified of him. I still start to shake if I even Think I MIGHT have seen a glimpse of him. I was scared that he was going to try kidnapping me or come to my families house with a gun. Hell I was scared he may have even tried to kill me if I left, but I did it anyway and I am so glad I finally did. I just regret waiting so long and letting him kill my spirit like he did.

The situation you're in reminds me a lot of what I went through and all I can say is that it is in your best interest to get away from him. You don't even have to tell him if you don't want to, just pack and go. If he doesn't seem to care or pay attention anyway he may not even notice you're not coming back and you could be long out of reach by the time he does.

I know that's a spiteful thing to do, but I feel strongly about these types of situations and hate for people to feel trapped by fear or worry. If he wants to just sit around and live off you, YOU don't deserve that and he sure as hell doesn't deserve you. You need to prioritize yourself now and get out while you still have time in your life to recover from this

walkerjam 05/26/2020

Everyone so far has had some great suggestions, so all I'd like to add is that what you said about wanting honesty and sharing from him really stood out to me. It is not unreasonable to want these two aspects present in your relationship and it absolutely does not make you a bad person for wanting out! I am wishing you courage and strength.

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