Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I've been dating this amazing guy for 5 years. We met when I was a freshman in high school and he has 3 older brothers. A year into our relationship his brother just above him started dating this girl from Germany. Soon she started coming here to the states and staying with my boyfriend's family for 6 months at a time. This was extremely hard for me because I always felt like I wasn't as important as this girl from Germany, she was living with them, going on every trip with them, eating every meal with them, and it was, and still is, extremely difficult on me. Some of these times I wouldn't even be invited but yet she'd still get to go because she lived with them. 4 years later and they're still living with his family, but married with a kid now, so I feel even more excluded. Everyone loves them so much and I have always felt like I've taken a back seat when she's around. This past Christmas Eve they have a traditional sibling secret santa where only the siblings exchange gifts. This year she was a part of that and I was not. That was my breaking point. Ever since then I have not been the same. It's been really difficult on me and my jealousy has completely taken over and is starting to push my boyfriend away. I HATE that they are still eating dinner that she cooks every night together. I HATE that she's there when he wakes up and goes to eat breakfast. I HATE that she's there for everything when I'm not. But..I absolutely love my boyfriend and he's done nothing to betray my trust or deserve this. I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck. So sad. So mad. So anxious constantly. Please help..
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
Have you explained in a non jealous way how you feel to your bf and his parents?
"I feel hurt that i wasn't included in your trip out"
"I feel hurt that you didn't include me in the "siblings only" gift exchange"
Keep in mind its not actually her fault. Shes had the advantage of living there and so they have got to know her very well.
5 years is a long time dating, i'm wondering if an engagement is coming at some point? Marriage ? And if not is this why you feel that your not good enough?
This insecurity, this low self worth is coming from somewhere...
Youve become very focused on this woman and situation its possible that there is something esle in your life that you feel you cant control or your unhappy about..
Have a look at your life outside of this situation and work from there. I think theres more to this 1 thing and from personal experience if your self worth was better generally, you wouldnt feel as much as you do in this situation.
Is it any consolation that your envy is natural? I have performed volunteer work within quite a few foreign exchange programs and introducing an exotic foreigner to a domestic environment creates quite allot of ripple effect. Some of the ripples are funner than others. Envy among the family peripherals, (friends, lovers, etc) is common, but sometimes enriching beyond belief when the envy victim is encouraged to go for the "exchange" aspect of foreign exchange. It is possible for *you* to be the exotic foreigner in a domestic setting. Yes, friend, it is possible for *you* to be the one with the sexy accent and off-beat perspectives.
Even if you decide to stay in your familiar comfort zone, you can still pick her brain and indulge in a few fantasies of stretching your tether.
I am ever so glad I got to live in Germany. 40 odd years later, I still miss the beer, spaezle and jaeger schnizel.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here in order to sort of look at another perspective with the hope of helping you
I imagine when she left Germany she had to leave everything and everyone who she cared about and that was familiar to her
It must have been overwhelming..... The family may have stepped up in order to make her feel welcome and help combat being homesick
That's a long way to come for love..... His family may have also been concerned that their son/brother might end up moving to Germany and that may not have been attractive to them thus lets welcome the girlfriend with open arms and with living together it's worked
I wouldn't push your boyfriend away because of this sweetie.... You may end up SIL and that can be a great friendship..... One of my dearest friends is my SIL
Another big hug.....xo
Empathy66- I have had conversations with my boyfriend and his family, they seem to understand where I'm coming from but I wish they would reach out to me more.
I definitely need to work on my own self-esteem. This girl was very into fitness and everything so she was always very good looking which made me feel very insecure. I guess I'm just not sure where to start to work on that.
Arfie- Thank you for your response. It is a huge consolation to hear that envy is natural. A lot of the times I feel like I'm crazy for thinking the way that I do, I just have to remember that I'm not alone.
SunCloudJD- You're amazing, thank you for the perspective. I bet it was hard for her to leave everything, I can never imagine what that felt like. I have just been stuck of feeling so anxious and jealous (because I know I'm going to be left out of something) whenever she's here that I don't know how to just stop.
Any advice on how to deal with the jealous and anxious feelings?
I get where you're coming from and I read the other responses, and they brought up really good questions!
For jealousy/anxious feelings, maybe try creating a list of all the things you are thankful for. I know that when I start to focus on all the good and the blessings in my life, I focus less on what I don't have, the "problems" and all the things I could be, do or have. Have you tried that?
And, you were there first! :) One year longer than her, so you know this family really well by now. Just go over there, hang out, spend some time with everyone there. Either go alone, or with your boyfriend. I think a lot of these feelings are in your mind and not reality. You are just as good, if not better, than everyone! You deserve to be included, so go... make yourself included. We can't always wait around to be invited to things. Feeling jealous and angry is normal in this situation.... but it's not going to get you many positive responses or invites... so just go there! You can do this!! :)
GirlinCalif- Ugh. It's so nice to hear that I'm not alone in this kind of situation (I hope that doesn't sound bad). Thank you so much for your advice. I think I tend to be more of a stubborn person so I just wait and wait for them to reach out to me and it never works out like I want it to. But you're right, I do deserve to be included. Also, I'm so happy for you, this kind of situation is tough but it seems like you're doing well!
Thank you all for the support :)
Being jealous of someone is normal, otherwise you would be in denial if you say you're fine that they shower her with all the attention and leave you in the corner. Have a talk with your bf too, I mean, 5 years in, you should be invited over for dinners and such honestly. Why did he exclude you?