It's hard to shake that. Can you try to stay in the moment more and try to re-direct your thoughts, when the negative self talk or the anxiety starts creeping in. Because I think that's part of it, thinking about all the what ifs... what if he doesn't find me attractive, what if he leaves me, what if he likes someone younger or prettier, what if, what if, what if. I think if you're truly present, it doesn't give your mind a chance to start creating that negative dialogue in your head. Or, if those thoughts creep in, you can be present enough to re-direct them.

I also sometimes for me, I just fake it until I make it, when it comes to feeling insecure. I just pretend I'm not, riding that wave, until I really believe I'm not. It's not perfect but it gets me through the times where my sense of self worth is on shaky ground.

I think too, have to find a way to come to terms with your dad's views. Because while that stuff shapes us, we can choose to not let it be the final word on who we are. My dad was a piece of work, and while different from yours, did things that kind of skewed so many things about relationships and feeling secure, loved, valued. At a certain point, I just made peace with the fact that these were his short comings not mine. It had nothing to with me. It's the same with your dad, even if you don't quite believe it.

Thanks RMB, I appreciate your input.

I was just talking to a male friend of mine and he says I need to come right out and ask this man what his intentions are, he says I am putting him into a great position by having sex but never talking about the future and what we both want. Kind of like he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

Now I am even more stressed.

OTM don't be stressed. I also think that you need to have that discussion about how he sees the further for you two as a couple. How would you like him to answer that question?

I feel like it's too soon to ask that question.

I guess I think you aught to follow your instincts with when you feel like it's the right time to ask. You gotta stop listening to your friends. Seriously, think their opinions make you second guess yourself, like you are feeling ok about things and then they mention something and you then start getting anxious.

Having sex with someone isn't giving anything away unless there's no parity involved. I mean, if you're both enjoying each other's company and you want to sleep with him and are enjoying sleeping with him, and he wants and enjoys sleeping with you, what's the problem? It would be different if you were feeling like he only wanted sex from you and you were begrudgingly putting out. But this just seems like two adults having a RELATIONSHIP.

I also think it would be different if you were looking to start having kids, where time was a factor. But sheesh you guys are both in your 40s and 50s. Who cares if at the two month mark, you're having a good time and there's no heavy discussion about the future. The future is NOW.

I get what you mean completely, its so hard to shake that fear inside. I am in a committed relationship but still struggle with it.
So I am not sure I can offer much advise as still trying to figure out how to overcome it myself.
One thing I can say is that to be open and communicate with each other, strengthen that bond that you have. When the time feels right, ask but don't do it out of fear or because others say so. This is a relationship between the two of you only, no one else. Enjoy what you to have, continue to laugh and have fun because it sounds like you both are (not that its just physical!)
Be strong and happy :)

Insecurity stems from low self esteem and feeling out of control of a situation. Try and focus on how in control of this you are. Im guessing you feel more insecure the more you fall for someone as it feels as if they have all the power. You can choose how you feel. There are two types of anxiety, situational ( being chased by a tiger) and anticipatory ( worrying that you might be chased by a tiger!) . This insecurity comes from your imagination creating scenarios for how he could hurt you in the future should he not feel the same you do.
So, whats the answer, focus on the present. Just concentrate on today and having a good day. Don't think about what MIGHT happen. If you have the best day you can today and then do the same tomorrow you will be much more focussed and relaxed. Its kind of like mindfulness.
To build your self esteem, process your positive things you do every day. ( things like, I made a cup of coffee, I walked the dog, I was kind to the lady in the park, I cleaned my house, I made myself look nice…) Every time you are feeling anxious re-read that list. Get your self a groovy notebook, write down ten things a day you did that were positive. You will feel better in less than two weeks. Honest it works. xxx you got this OTM x

Wow! Thanks so much everyone!

And Sunny! My goodness your reply has shown me how far you have come! You are a strong lady! Keep it up!

(((hugs))) to all!

As a guy, I can't really understand how a beautiful and intelligent woman as yourself can be insecure about a relationship. I know that you really like him. But if he does reject you at some point, you will have a thousand other guys pursuing you. I would think that he would be the one feeling insecure. Please just go with the flow and enjoy the moment as the others have suggested.

A father's love is a girl's first love. I'm sorry your father was such a shit-heel, thinking only about the physical, their boobs, his dick and balls, and kinda missing the boat spiritually when it comes to really loving the inner beauty of a woman. What was your father's relationship like with your mother? Purely sexual? Did he respect her or disrespect her and call her names? Is your father still alive? If so, do you have a relationship with your father now? I think resolving that relationship with your father, if it's possible, would help you resolve your relationships with other men and feel more secure with men in general.

I too grapple with this insecurity even though I'm a man. It's easy to get swallowed up by another's love, a love that we want and need so much, allow them to have a power over us. But it's important to recognize that we have a power that we project into them that we have over them that we bring to a relationship too. It's important that we remind ourselves that we are innately sexy and possess many talents too, retain a certain autonomy and individuality. Even within a relationship, we have to fight to retain that individuality, retain our own soul.

Hi Koolman, Thank you for your response.

Yes my father is still around and we do talk. I forgave him for all that nonsense.
It started with me confronting my parents about all of this when I was about 39 years old, it did not go well, they were both in serious denial. We did not speak for a year. But eventually we did.
I had to forgive and let that resentment go with him. But the damage to me still lingers. Of course not as severely as it once did. But it still rears it's ugly head from time to time.

wow Koolman thats a great post there.
I too struggle with my parents, I guess this is at the root of everything in life! Mine are completely obsessed with each other, which is great and I am happy for them both but growing up was not much fun feeling like the third wheel! My Dad in particular grew up in an all boys orphanage boarding school and has no idea what family is all about. We don't talk much, apart from when he is blocking me about what an idiot I am…

And thanks OTM I have been studying hard. I went through a positive psychology training programme called The Thrive Programme by Dr. Rob Kelly, you can buy the workbook on Amazon. I trained to be a consultant and worked in private practice for a few years under the shadow of my abusive marriage which was frankly impossible! Its a great programme and very easy to follow. Worth a look.
You can do this.
I thought it was interesting that Koolman said what have you got to be insecure about? You are beautiful and funny and a lovely caring woman….but we don't see that in ourselves do we. It doesn't help to stop the anxiety to know you can get another guy does it! Is it the fear of abandonment that bothers you maybe? The fear of the hurt? The fear of being wrong about someone?
Have a think and see what comes up for you. What is it you are so anxious about which makes you insecure?
hugs from me xxx one day at a time.x

I have a friend who is a complete knock out, super intelligent, funny, down to earth and a great body. One day she and I were talking with another friend, and this other friend was lamenting a problem area with her body, and she looked at our friend and said something like, not that you'd understand, kind of a joke, because from our perspective, she's perfect. After that my friend said privately to me, you know, I have my own hang ups about my body, like pretty much everyone else. It made me realize, everyone's got their thing, their hang up, you know. As a woman, I think it's just kind of hard for women some times to be feel good about themselves because we think men see us differently than we see ourselves. When I was younger, I'd be feeling really good about myself and all it would take is some bizarre comment from a man about my body or another woman's body to pretty much put me in a death spin about my short comings. As I've gotten older, I just don't have the energy to give a shit what anyone thinks. Here I am, love it or don't because what someone thinks isn't really about me.

And I'm not faulting men for that, because at the end of the day, what someone finds to be attractive is so subjective. I can't begrudge that in anyone, man or woman. I do think most people are attracted to the whole package, but you are always going to have guys who are into boobs, or legs, or butts. My legs are so scarred and gnarly, my ass has grown over time. My boobs are still ok for my age. I mean, there are beauty standards I've never met, and the ones I have are slowly slipping. And it 's ok. It used to be that you had all this pressure to maintain your youth in your 30s and early 40s. Now it's like a crime to be in your 50s and have wrinkles. It's complete bullshit. It's an effing privilage to age.

Ok, this turned into a personal rant now. Sorry OTM!