Seven words I'm going to say...you are NOT responsible for his issues! He is a grown a$$ man that needs to grow some hair on his balls to see that your feet are almost out of the door...or are they still?

Now say this 100x a day if needed..."I'm still sexy af/desirable/wanted" and all other adjectives that exudes the essence of you still being one hot mama!!

Thank you. you do make me smile. I do not tell myself that often enough, but as I do hear it from others, I try hard to allow it to sink in..

PS. I think you may be onto something....My feet are still at that door, but only one is headed out (the other is again stalled by fear of the unknown and the fact I haven't progressed to the next appt with the attorney....unsure if he will go along or fight this?)

If your really looking to get out of the relationship? Please call your nearest domestic violence centers soon. My sister was killed by her husband. There's nothing to play with when it comes to your life. You can Sought out mediately . Please call!

I have never had reason to worry for physical safety. I am speaking of his actions and words so far that he does not want this divorce. He is perfectly content the way things are. I am the one who can no longer bare the empty, loveless existence.

Veggiequeen, I am the type of person who won't let go of favored jackets and coats. I wear them, long after they begin to look shabby. My favorite one right now is a flannel jacket that's at least ten years old. It's hanging in the close right beside the new ones hubbie bought every year for the last three years running. The new ones are in my favorite color, and are soft as a baby's bottom. Old faithful is dull grey, pretty nappy and the zipper doesn't work.

Same with my shoes. The new one purchased with my comfort in mind look pretty snazzy sitting there beside the ones I've been wearing for two years now. Heck, he even bought a pair exactly like the ones I wear, hoping it was a design thing.

I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm really and truly more comfortable wearing the same old jacket and shoes for everyday. They're not perfect for me. The leather shoes are stretched out, and I have to clutch the jacket closed in front when it's cold.

Why do you think I can't give them up?

I think it's because there's something intimate about the things I wear close to my skin. I get used to the way they feel. I know what to expect and how to compensate for their shortcomings. Wearing them is predictable, as strange as that sounds. Wrapping myself in that coat and sliding my feet in those shoes feels nice and comfortable. It feels like home for my body parts.

Being reluctant about change takes all forms. I think that is really why you chronically have one foot out the door. It's fear of the unknown. Deep down inside, you wonder if actually living alone is going to be worse than simply feeling alone while sitting safely in your marital home with your husband who can't seem to get with the program when it comes to truly meeting your needs.

It's okay to feel torn. You don't have to do anything you don't truly want to do and total freedom to do it in your own time frame.

I think that analogy can also be applied to why your husband doesn’t want to change.

He’s comfortable with the way things are. Why would he want to change if things are working for him as they are. So I don’t think it’s as clear cut as he won’t change because you are not worth it. I’m not sure his behavior has anything to do with you or your marriage specifically. I don’t think he’s a happy person. I think he probably hates himself and let’s face it, when someone hates themself, that manifests outward affecting everyone in that person’s life. Whoever told you that you threatening to leave would make him check himself isn’t contemplating his own self loathing. Until he deals with that, independent of you, nothing changes, ever, for him or you.

I think too that you are enabling his behavior by meeting his every need. You have to be the hero in your own life; I’m sorry but that’s just the bottom line. I think you are waiting for changes to come that are never going to happen unless you take some action. If you don’t bring in this situation is your own doing.

@rmb I guess you are right. Unfortunately I have come from a dysfunctional family and my role was the "lost child" Like all the other women in my family , I would sacrifice my needs, life and happiness and try to find that from caring for others. We all have served as enablers ....believing it was our job to create a sense of harmony in an otherwise unstable family.

I have been trying to step back and get him to do more for himself. (I realize I need to do even less... it is hard when I still need to do for myself...to cut off doing for him (food, laundry, tidying up)

I need to schedule next appt with attorney. I have been procrastinating partly because I will have to uncover the final total of assets and our debt (I have an iidea...but he is the one who has been doing payments toward that. I have to actually dig up final amts. When I ask him.....he doesn't know.)

Being so miserable and unhappy for so long.....I am kind of like Dorothy with her ruby slippers..."There's no place like home. " I just want to come back to where I can just be. Occasionally I feel like an oyster (And he is that grain of sand irritating and annoying me) Once I make this appt I need to tell him again and invite him to come. I doubt he will, but from that point on I suspect he will be angry and resentful. So amidst all the preparation and worry for the upcoming change, I will not even have my safe haven anymore. (may get a futon and make one of the spare rooms my hideout/ haven for now)

Because of my childhood, I have always hated anger and resentment and would avoid it at all costs. Now I will be throwing myself headfirst into it. I am afraid I will be spending more time retreating and in tears til this is all over. (Feel like I could be boohooing on here every other day...but i don't want to be doing that either) I guess I just need to suck it up.

Well you want to be sure you have a plan right? That gives you som control and will help deal with his fit throwing. Because you threatening to leave but not doing it just fosters his behavior.

I can’t remember if you are in counseling but if not you really should. You need to keep your emotional self above water.

Everything hinges on him agreeing with this. I do have a small amt of cash set aside for the few things I will need to set up house again. (Won't need much...just a few small pieces) as well as to start out. I also need to get another vehicle (have down $$$ but I will have another payment to look forward to.) I can't do this as things are now....My paychecks are going toward our expenses and upkeep now. (Can't throw more into the mix til I know there is some sort of resolution.)

I have done counseling several times throughout my life for various reasons...none for our marriage. His sister has recently recommended a nearby church that offers free counseling. I have thought about it and sometime back he told HER (not me) he would be willing to maybe do that. Truthfully, after watching him several times try for a day and a half to work on things to try to improve our marriage (only to have him tell me..."You know how I am") and go back to doing nothing different. I think it is just another stall tactic..

The lawyer did say at our next apt she would bring me info of divorce support groups in the area. Can't really afford costly therapy.... some mentioned divorce care? I don't think we have that around here. I am in PA.

Why does it hinge on him agreeing?

I wasn't recommending marriage counseling. I was thinking counseling for you, not to save or cope with your marriage, but to help you overcome the stuff from your childhood that seems to be part of keeping you in this situation. I mean, you're no longer that child. I get having childhood trauma. Been there. But at some point don't you just want to not have that define who you are? We aren't frightened children any more.

You know how I feel about this VQ. As RMB said, you have to be your own hero here. You know how similar our stories are and I DID do it (and I'm no superhero!). The day I signed the initial papers to start the divorce was a totally uplifting day, albeit scary. All the days prior to it were crap, all the days after it were definitely difficult, still living together. BUT, finally taking control of the situation was key to finding happiness. I imagine you will also feel your own power once you take that next step. It's your life, after all.

You can't immerse yourself in getting things set up just right before you leave, as in getting his last medication, making arrangements for his medical stuff, getting all the furniture you need, whatever. Departure day will never come if you keep hanging on to all the the (essentially) meaningless details. The big picture is all that matters, and that is freeing yourself from this dysfunction.

Using Gutted's analogy of the old coat & shoes, your old shoes are stinking up the place!!!!

And divorcecare is a good place to start. I gave it a try, but not being religious in any way, shape, or form, I couldn't relate. I happened to have found an uber religious group, with two of the divorcing participants being minister's wives. Super nice people though, and good format. I went twice. Next I found a divorce support group on meetup. I went there once a month, for a year. It was a 50 minute drive one way, but worth it. That group was probably the second most productive thing I did to help myself get through the divorce. The first was listening to the marriage counselor, watching her try to get through to my husband, seeing her fail, finally understanding that I had been beating a dead horse for far too long.

You have a computer, Google divorce support groups in your area. Very easy.

When I said get a plan in place, I meant just in terms of a basic plan for actually leaving him. That does not include getting everything in place for him. That’s nuts.

I know it’s scary to take these first steps but truly sometimes it seems like you are waiting to be rescued, like a young woman in a fairy tale. You are completely capable of rescuing yourself. He will be disagreeable, pouty and a big baby no matter what you do so just stop worrying about how he’ll react. That’s not within your control. Just keep moving forward through your discomfort of it all. You can withstand it. We are always stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

I have no clue how this all works. I am learning as I go. I worry about him agreeing to it because if he fights it, I am still responsible for $$$$ toward our current mortgage and car payment..... If i just walk out the door, I will have double expenses.

When I saw the attorney initially, she said if he agrees it could all be over after about 3 months (waiting period) . If he fights it, it will cost me more$$ for her appearances on my behalf.....plus we have to be separated a full year.

The next appt when I give her all the info....assets, debt, .....I believe is when she will give me more info as to what to do next. She did also mention a list of nearby divorce support groups. (I did actually google and try to find some nearby. I didn't see anything close......but as you all say... a bit
o f travel may be worthwhile.)

As far as more therapy for me, I feel like I have been there, done that. believe it or not I have come a long way, but I am amazed sometimes how something can bring it flooding back. I think I just need to get back out amongst people who are also going through similar issues. i guess I should stop harping on the past...it is just as I have discovered some reasoning for the hows and whys of my situation, I felt I needed to explain

PS...Don't worry .... I am not worrying about if he will care for himself. I have enough stuff of my own to concern myself with.

Yeah, but doesn't the state define a separation date as the date on which you stopped "acting like a married couple?". To me, that could certainly means the date you stopped having sex. Aren't you well beyond that year (or is it 2 year) timeline? Can't you also push for a "fault" divorce, since withholding of sex seems like a cruelty- at fault kind of thing??