If this guy has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by his own therapist, then this is something you can't fix or change. If he simply has some narcissistic tendencies or can't talk feelings with you, that is another matter. The label narcissist is thrown around a lot lately but I do believe that some people do have this personality disorder and that makes them very difficult to deal with. The real issue is something you have to work out for yourself and if 30 years is long enough to take the abuse you think he gives you. He is incapable of being the partner you want and this is a turn off sexually for many women. The lack of care for your feelings often makes us feel unsafe sexually and also lack the desire to be vulnerable with someone we can't trust. I am going to recommend you go to YouTube and watch the videos by Dr. Ramani about narcissism. Learn about this issue and especially watch the ones where she describes the trait and their thinking and also the ones where she discusses communication with a narcissist. If you are considering divorce, please go to a good family law attorney and find out your rights and obligations in a divorce in your state or country. Know this stuff first and you can then make decisions. He is not going to change so you have to make a choice. You can change to stop caring how he is and stop caring that he is not a partner or you can decide 30 years is enough and. you'd like to be free. The marriage is the problem and if the husband truly is a narcissist, your marriage is all about appeasing him, and yourself being less than, you don't matter to him type of stuff. I know, I put in my own 30 years with a guy like your husband, but I couldn't even talk about my feelings with him as he didn't care! I finally quit trying to change him and worked on empowering me and I did initiate the divorce. My life is better off now, especially financially. I am remarried to a man who has some narcissistic tendencies but has empathy and remorse for his negative behaviors. Watching Dr. Ramani has helped me tremendously. Big hugs to you.

Hi Marian, Having a partner that you still feel alone with is hard. When I started being honest with my feelings and found I was in the same situation I stepped back from my marriage and focused on taking care of myself. I discovered that I had become too entwined with relating her emotional health to my own. And she was in the rut of doing the same with me, to be fair. This caused a lot of anxiety because there was the sense of a type of bondage or stagnation. As I learned to give myself time to do the things I enjoy; hiking, gardening, and kayaking I have been much more relaxed. Tbh I was not taking responsibility for my own health and happiness. After three decades (like you) of marriage I had simple fallen into bad habits. We've been living apart for almost two years and it's been really good for both of us. Actually have created a great friendship. I've learned so much about myself through these last few years because of honesty with myself. Good luck with sorting out what you really want.

I am not sure if all my recent events: Loss of my mother, and my young adult children both being gone has lead more to this friction with my husband.
Although everthing I wrote about him is true.
I also wrote , in another group I think, about how I have notes written dated back years of things myself or my kids were put through with him.
I have saved them all.
I agree that time alone would help. I trying to determine if i could just do that time while in the same house.

I also wrote in the other forum that my "young adult" children would be devasted by any seperation of their parents. And responses to me were that it isnt about the kids by about me.

Unsure if you had children or not, but that is huge for me

I have two adult kids, when I told my daughter that we were separating she said, 'I can't believe it took you so long". Do you know they would be devastated? might be worth talking to them like adults about it.
As far as the friction with your husband, of course it's going to feel more intense. There's no buffers from the reality that you two are far apart.
Personally I found it essential to let the past hurts go by not giving them power (not entertaining the stories) and just be in the moment living my life. I basically reached a point where I was tired of putting life on hold till I had "resolved" my issues when it turns out my waiting for resolution is the issue.
Keep looking with honesty and you will see what you need. I did a fair bit of reading about fear and it's really amazing how this affects our thoughts. I found the Buddhist teachings helpful. Particularly the heart sutra. Of course it took a few years to understand it lol.

Big hug Marian.... I am so sorry that you're hurting so much.... If you AND your children went through so much with your husband for so many years I really doubt that your adult children will be as shocked as you think

I agree with what others have said....You can't change him... If he's a narcissist I doubt there will ever be much change at all

Your children can still love and spend time with both of their parents... Good quality time.... You deserve peace and happiness..... xo

SunCloudJD...
Thank you for your thoughts.
I would never make my children (young adults, own minds) not spend time etc with their father. I just want happiness for them.

They both know and still go through episodes with him (probably not as affected by it now as they don't live at home)

I have a lot of thinking to do.

I appreciate this forum. I do have a therapist but I don't speak with her daily and I have a lot to get off my chest.

I divorced after 30 years of marriage with several kids. Yes, they had to get used to a new normal and my narcissistic husband did the parental alienation. Your kids are adults and should be leading their own lives. They will get manipulated by your husband if he is manipulative. Saying you can't divorce because of the adult kids is a way to hide behind an excuse. It is okay if you don't want to divorce. At least be honest with yourself that your first choice is to stay in the marriage no matter what. HE is not going to change, he is not a person who can share feelings with you from what you write. So your choice is to accept exactly how the marriage is, exactly how the husband is, exactly what you are dealing with and stay knowing all of this but letting go of wanting change from him. The other choice is to find your courage and seek a new life. Accept that seeking a new life will also have its challenges and problems. No choice leads to a perfect marriage or a perfect life. Your kids will be upset that the family unit has ended but not all kids are devastated by this. They may be more devastated by watching mom slowly slip down the drain of emotional wellness. They may be more upset by your complaining about him to them if you do. They are affected by how their dad behaves and have probably been trained by him to appease his bad behaviors. What my kids have with me now is a person who feels good about her life and her marriage rather than a person who was hiding a lot of marital secrets and her own despair. They have the authentic me. Yes, two of them took their dad's side early on - I had trained them that I didn't matter so they continued to think I didn't matter until I started to matter to myself and no longer accepted this from them. One of them was abused by their dad more and so sees the reality of it. Divorce does create some emotional pain but what you are living right now is also creating emotional pain for you. There is not wrong or right in this situation but if you want healing, you have to accept how things are and then work on fixing yourself. Living with a narcissistic person is often difficult and makes one feel less than. I got tired of never mattering and his abuse. It was not easy to divorce, he plays games with my adult kids to manipulate them, but I am so glad a dozen years later than I freed myself and made a good life. My soul cried out for a healthy emotional life for myself. You can find this within the marriage perhaps. But he can't give it to you. Only you can give it to yourself, to seek it and seize it. Big hugs, best wishes.

Wow urbangardener.
That’s a lot of truth and a lot to take in.
I’m glad for you that you made the right choice for yourself.
I’m so glad I found this forum. I’ve been writing on here every day since I joined. And reading so much that it truly helps.
I truly don’t complain about him to them, they know and see from many years and they both were home during Covid (working at home here) so they know.
I would never put my load of dispair or complain constantly to them. They have to grow and live their lives.
Thank you for the wishes and hugs. Much needed!!

Sweet friend, I am so sorry. I, too, suffer with a great deal of anxiety. I've done many hours of counseling but the thing that has helped the most is an antidepressant . Do you have a good doctor you can call to refer you to a psychiatrist? I had to try several different ones and different dosages but finally found the best one and it is life changing. Another thing that helped me is joining a recovery group at a church. The one I specifically went through was Celebrate Recovery. Maybe this could be of some help to you as well. I am sending a big hug your way right now

Narcissistic victim .... You might have PTSD..... xo... We do have people on our PTSD board that have had various forms of relationships with narcissists on there... and it's a supportive board as well....xo


https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/11-signs-youre-the-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse#1

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

You have no idea. Here's the thing. We have a child who had/has a successful athletic career/ability. He became a D1 athlete.
As he stayed in the school (academically college straight A student) the sport became very political and almost abusive.
My child decided to leave the school, and pursue an academic school elsewhere (including a lower level of the sport)
MY HUSBAND PUTS A TON of the blame on ME. Just two seconds ago he walked out of his office and said how he will never get over it and I (Me) am to blame becasue I didn't do anything to help my child go to another D1 school.
SO here I am shaking. Yes he blames me for everything. If he is busy he blames me, things go wrong he blames me.. I just want to sit and cry.

I'm sorry. I know how stressful this can be. Try to take a step back. Exactly what did HE do to help your son? Are you the only parent? You did everything you could to help. Did he hold up his end, or just shift all the burden to you?

He also sounds as if he would have absolutely no understanding of how traumatized your son would be after that terrible experience. Not everyone would be able to just transfer and take up as if nothing had happened. But you get it. Your child will be fine, you will be fine, but your H will always be an ass.

My child is a straight A student.
He got a scholarship when he transferred
He certainly seems happy
Yet this is what I deal with.
My husband said he needs to get away from all of us (my daughter as well who is working and not even living here) because we are all basically useless

So now I sit here this evening getting the silent treatment.
I just want to sit and cry.
My day began today with me at my moms house , as she passed away, cleaning out her clothes.
And I come home to this. Being blamed for all that is wrong in life.
What a sad sad day.

My views,

1. Sports and your son Your son made the right decision getting out of sports. About 1/% of athletes make it pro and the medium time in the NFL around 3 years. My neighbor played pro football, got hurt, rehabbed and used steroids, and got kicked out. Its wonderful to have a kid whose captain and a star but when my son wanted to leave, I said your choice and our family supported him. You should tell your husband not only was this your son's choice but the right one.

2. Financial security and work Maybe hubby is a little softer than you imagined and beneath the tough exterior is a little boy who wants appreciation and recognition. He makes money to support his family and his love language is financial security.

3. Anxiety Ultimately each of us is responsible for his own stress and anxiety. My mom could be tough. I went to a state championship playoff game and can say the level of intensity was 1/2 of my planning a party. She had her views and I became happy realizing my role was not necessarily to please her. Likewise you need to be your own person.

4. Bedroom You are entitled to be valued and validated, but excluding him from the bedroom returns him to the rejected little boy without a father. If there is a marriage to continue it should have intimacy, on terms fair to you but it should exist.

5. Marriage continuation No one hear can tell you whether to continue the marriage. Hopefully you continue it with some meaningful change on both sides or leave but its your call.