Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My boyfriend and I broke up almost two months ago. He initially wanted to keep being friends and was supportive knowing that I was going through hell, but I eventually asked him to stop talking to me because it was only making it worse. Went awhile on that track but it wasn’t getting better. It’s still not any better
In the last couple weeks, I’ve started talking to him again. We ended up meeting for drinks and everything is still there. He even teared up at one point and said that he hadn’t expected the chemistry to still be there. He ended up kissing me but we went our separate ways at the end of the night (nuh-uh, my ass ain’t falling into that hook up/FWB situation). Didn’t get this far in life to not learn that.
A few days ago, he picked me up to go see a movie. He came over for a little bit first to eat and hang out. No kissing or anything on that evening but we had a great time. We just get each other. I asked him if he wanted to do anything this weekend but he either wanted to stay in or had plans already. He’s always quick to respond to anything I say, but I admittedly initiate more and sometimes feel like I’m being annoying. I annoy myself on a regular basis, so totally understand that.
Really, I want to ask if he wants to start over. Not move back in and pretend that nothing ever happened, because that’s not possible. And it would be unhealthy to just sweep everything under the rug. But the truth is, we had a fantastic relationship. No real fights, just talked out our annoyances, no shitty behavior, no one ever wronged the other. The worst thing that he ever did to me was leave. But we clearly still care about each other and the “magic” (gag) is still there. We talk every day. I just don’t know how to ask for that. Don’t want to sound needy or desperate, or like I’m doing it on a whim. I’ve never actually tried that before. Done the whole begging back or saying that I didn’t want the break up, but I always accepted it in the end. This is different. It’s something I know in my gut is worth it.
I’m not 100% sure if he wants the same thing or would agree, but I guess I can’t really know that. How would you start that conversation? What to even say? I know I could be facing disappointment and rejection all over again, I’m...sort of...prepared for it, but at least I’m armed with a psychologist this time. (She’s kind of over my shit, but keeps on trucking). Just feel like I’d be doing myself a huge injustice if I didn’t try. So uh...help.
I always write a damn novel when I’m on here but I’m a sucker for details. Sorry for taking up so much of your time...all the time.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I notice that at no point in your post did you admit to feeling love for him. You talk a lot about how the two of you 'click' and about some vague idea of 'magic', but both of those things pale when compared with true heart thumping, stumble over your words, can't get enough of the other person LOVE.
It saddens me that you don't get out much, so a clicky, magical relationship built around something other than love is just skippy fine with you. Your former boyfriend apparently needs something more for his primary relationship. How's about you stop pestering him and give him a chance to find it?
This might sound flippant, but I don't mean it that way at all. I would not approach him about anything, and I would stay no contact. You need to heal, for yourself. Let him come to you, but only when he's ready for an exclusive romantic relationship, and ready for the next steps. I think that if you stay in touch, and if you make it known you'll always be there for him, he will waffle forever about what he wants. By staying no-contact, you will make him understand that he cannot have his cake and eat it too. He can either be single with all the uncertainty that comes with that, or he can be committed to you. In short, he'll understand that he has to grow up.
What were your goals that you set aside during this relationship? What is the next step in your career? I suggest making the most of this time, and pursuing whatever it is that used to fulfill you, before him. It will suck and you might think of him every minute of every day. There are books and tips on the internet for getting over an ex. Some of my favorites are making a list of things you couldn't stand about him, and replacing memories of him with statements of gratitude. My current one is "I'm thankful for my health". It has nothing to do with him, but I need to stop and realize my life could be worse.
A few resources that have helped me are: "Getting Past Your Breakup" - there's a book and also a series of youtube videos; a book called "The Art of No Contact" - I found this one harsh at first, but re-reading it after a few months, I think the author is spot-on. It's not easy, and I'm sorry you're going through this. One day, when you don't expect it, you will get your closure about why this happened.
11Christmases- The marriage and kids thing are something that I want, but I’ve never been in a huge rush for it. I figured when it happened, it would happen organically. But I’ve never really KNOWN for sure that I wanted those things with someone specific until him. If the feelings are still there on both ends, I just wanted to see if we could get this back off the ground again.
Everything else in my life is fine. I don’t have a ton of friends, everyone is kind of settling down and starting their own families and that’s where their priorities are (as they should be). The few that I still regularly spend time with are good friends. I recently got promoted at work in July, but it’s a day job on restricted servers. There’s nothing I can really do outside of my office, so there’s nothing to “throw” myself into unless I’m there. And I do well. Truthfully, when he was in the picture I felt like I finally had everything I had ever wanted for myself. Like the all the BS and horror stories I had accumulated might have finally paid off, that my dues had been paid, and that I had the life of my dreams. And he may have been only one piece of that, but he was always the easiest part of my day. No matter what went wrong, he made it alright.
Have you checked into meetup groups geared toward singles in your area? You may find you click with a lot of men. You don't need to date them, but it certainly helps to get attention from someone new.
If it was me....I think I would tell him how I feel...ask how he feels...(the whole love deal) I would tell him I was concerned for him because I do care. Maybe you could convince him to go to a therapy session with you (as a couple.....but that would get his foot in the door to see firsthand that it is not so bad)
I will cross my fingers and say some prayers for you both. :)
Try to avoid having sex with him and then you will see if he wants you or not.