I am utterly convinced that timing is the most important element in handling sensitive conversations. The greatest talk at the wrong time will still blow up in my face, especially when talking to a hyper-sensitive in denial about sore spots I have attempted to bring up before. Unfortunately, I have never found a way to predict or schedule that ideal timing.

My personal approach is to pray (by whatever name or technique) for that ideal timing and the words to use when the time arrives. The prayer lets me hold the problems gently (emphasis on gently) near the surface of my consciousness without letting it trip into obsessing. That way I am ready but not frantic when the time is right. Obscure, I know, but amazingly effective in my own relationships.

While I wait for that ideal timing, I ply detachment tools for my own psychic defense to let the irritating jack-off take responsibility for their own behavior while I focus on my own self-care.

Just my own approach. . .

Gentle support while you find what works for you, Sadie.

Yeah I find with my husband that the success of these kinds of discussions depends on if we are able to express our feelings when things aren’t heated emotionally already. So I try to make sure I’m in a good place emotionally before I bring up a tough conversation but I also know him well enough to know when he’s in a good place too so he can hear me and also not get defensive or ugly. A lot of heavy discussions we’ve had are over dinner in public because we are both usually super relaxed and already enjoying each other’s company. I feel like that works for us but may not for other people.

Communication can be hard for us sometimes because we are both kind hot headed as well when we get upset so for me I really try to just slow my shit down and remind myself it’s not necessary to express every feeling I have every moment I have one. Sometimes I take time to try to really understand if what I’m upset about his him and how he acts or if it’s more about how I perceive things. Sometimes the latter is actually the issue and so I have to go into a conversation sometimes acknowledging my role in what ever is going on.

Also when I am calm in my discussions I find my husband gets calm too. I’d say the same when he’s calm I get calm. So you can try that too, just taking the lead in setting the tone.

Now if this person you are with is just always losing their shit every time you bring something up, that may be more about that person not being able to regulate their emotions. That’s where you have to really ask yourself if you can be with that person.

All great advice and it sounds like us three have similar unknowns--timing and what will set them off. Which makes it so hard to approach them about anything sensitive that I need help with.
I get to this point where I shutdown and only talk to my friends about tough things, but then he gets mad bc I dont tell him everything.

I do fear he doesnt know how to regulate his emotions. I have brought it up as a request not to not have any outbursts, but to be able to recognize he had one and be able to apologize and explain his emotions within 1-2 hours after, or even a day or two would be nice. He won't agree to it. I feel bc he knows he cant....bc he doesnt understand his emotions enough yet to be in control of them.

The writing of Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, guided me to understanding my emotions and helped change my marriage in ways I didn’t think were possible. Especially his book ‘Fear’. This changed my life. Cliff notes version: fear is the root of many issues in seeing ourselves and others clearly. As my wife and I are changing our behaviors we stopped watching tv to free up time for growing. Much easier to connect in peace and quiet. And remain calm. Reading together before bed is sooo nice. We have so many of those ‘right ‘ moments to talk now.

Are you talking about a partner who's emotionally abusive??

finallyawakenow thank you for the book reference. I have started following buddhism philosophy more in the last year, because of the reasons you have mentioned. I feel I have become much more self aware and reflective in my emotions. I just don't feel this person is and has no interest in reading any subject I have offered on self growth....they feel they are all those things...
I also do not and have not had a tv since I graduated high school. I don't have time or interest in it other than a couple movies here and there. I will look up this Buddhist monk and the book "Fear." Thank you

I have wonder to the question about whether it is a partner or not. Does it matter if it is a partner or not? I feel we have all encountered those personalities that are reactive, right? The way to handle those people would be the same, right? Well a set of tools with one tool working for an individual. I am hesitant to say whether it is a partner or not, because I fear it would automatically jump to leave or stay. I don't want that yet. I want ideas of how to step even more outside of myself in perception and approach this person in a way that works for them, but not for most other people, especially myself. Which is why I feel I have run out of ideas. I speak a different language and view a different picture. Without this person teaching me their language or painting me their picture I don't know that we can communicate. I want dearly to see their perception, something I just haven't thought of, which is why I am asking you all for ideas....bc this person can't do this for me :(

It matters if it’s a partner because quite honestly it’s sometimes just harder to be objective. Wanting a relationship to work out or not wanting to give up on the person sometimes prevents us from truly being objective about what is going on. I will say that my husband is not verbally or emotionally abusive. The issues are how to effectively communicate when we are pissed off or one of us doesn’t feel heard. Getting mad or being somewhat emotionally stunted when it comes to expressing oneself doesn’t necessarily translate to being abusive, to me.

But I do not think it’s up to you to put all this work into trying to crack the code to why he behaves a certain way or can’t regulate himself and bend over backwards to accommodate his mood. That’s a no win situation I’m afraid to say. You can’t make him different. You can model behavior for him but if he’s not interested or is incapable of taking your lead you may find it’s not worth continuing. To me that’s where you have to ask yourself, should it be this hard?

Yes...I have similar philosophies.....but try to provide excuses sometimes I think....

We did agree to an ultimatum after me being firm with my terms. He couldn't promise me that he could recognize his outbursts, apologize, talk about them, then ask if I was okay. Just like he said I couldn't promise him I wouldn't get impatient/irritated sometimes when I have a low health day (autoimmune). Doesnt matter that I communicate well before/apologize, explain after. So, since that was a limiting factor for him and his for me I came up with the terms. I promised I wouldn't lose my patience on him for 4 months. He had to promise he would recognize, apologize, and talk to me about his outbursts and check in with me to see if I was okay. Every time one person fails they pay the other, or a pot $200. That money can then be used for counseling or as a reward to us as a couple of our deciding if we start figuring it out. Or we pay living expenses with it. Failure to pay results in a breakup as those are undesirable traits. After 4 months we reevaluate and see if its worth staying together.

He tried to brainwash me into thinking money didnt matter as much as our relationship and didnt want to parttake in the $200 or a consequence, but he could give me his word he would try even harder to not create a lot of emotional damage with his outbursts. I have had his word for a long time. But after being firm and not giving into his manipulation he agreed. So we will see. It makes me sad to see how much he cares about himself and not much for me unless it directly benefits him, but I am choosing to focus on him agreeing to the terms with a high consequence as proof he has some desire for the future of this relationship.

This is the thing though; we all fail at living up to an expectation. That’s human, to fail. To me the issue is more about a pattern of bad behavior. That is not failing but more about who we are as people. You may be asking of him something he truly is incapable or unwilling to do. Not everyone is comfortable talking about their feelings or at that moment even understand their feelings unless they have time to reflect.

To me the outbursts are the red flag. Not so much him explaining himself. If the outbursts are damaging to you, it doesn’t matter why he has them or the reason. The caveat is if the outbursts are related to an illness. In that case I think sometimes people may not be able to regulate that due to diabetes, mental health conditions etc. But even then, if it’s too much then it’s ok to say this is not for me.

It’s interesting you said he tried to brain wash you. My husband has a strong personality as do I and I can’t say I’ve ever felt brain washed or manipulated by him. He’d say the same about me. So something is not right here. No one says that about someone they feel good about being with.

I guess I’m saying that terms of a relationship are negotiable, but only to the extent that it’s not emotionally damaging or abusive. If his outbursts are either of those then this is the universe telling you this isn’t right.

Truly listen to your instincts.

It should not be this hard. His outbursts should stop, not just be penalized. I think you are working way, way too hard to reach this person who is not capable or willing to change. You are not his therapist or his emotional gatekeeper. Free yourself from all this drama and go out and live "light" for a while. A better relationship will come along in time, and in the meantime, get counseling so you will be ready for it. This guy is not worth the time, effort, or stress. He seems to be doing nothing to change.

Yes I always thought and think its suppose to be easier. It just sucks cuz these outbursts are such a small % of our relationship, 10-15%. The other part is awesome. But I fear from experience its only good if we avoid hard things. He avoids anything that isn't super awesome, energetic,and perfect. Idk. I dont want to talk bad anymore. I am not perfect either. An autoimmune disease ripped my world apart shortly after we started dating. Since then I cannot hold up to the active, fit, healthy girl he fell for in the beginning. I know he hates it bc when I try to talk to him when I am having a hard day he is short and blunt and I just feel he doesnt want to talk about it so I switch the subject to something happy and pretend I am fine. I dont think he knows how...:(

It's something that's coming from within this person for a reason...…. There is nothing that's perfect so if that's what he's looking for he'll be looking for a very long time

I'm really sorry that you have a serious illness Sadie

The fact that he in no way wants to be supportive of you at all is disturbing..... I would look into couples counselling if you want to however I think it sux that he's in no way there for you.... It also makes me think of immaturity

Big hug..... I wish you well in whatever you decide.....xo

Thank you for your advice and thoughts

How long have you been together?