Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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SadieBee 03/30/2019

Can someone offer advice on how to express my emotions and intensions to someone who is very defensive and reactive?

I have tried to reveal how their actions make me feel, but they deny and turn it around to try and put blame on me. If there is a misperception I apologize and try to clarify my innocent intentions, but I never receive the same.

This person has admitted on numerous occasions well, after the episode has passed, that they do need to work on their behavior and are, but I see miniscule, if any, changes over a year. The hardest part for me is them nit being able to recognize them over-stepping in the moment and communicate that before they do more emotional damage with outbursts.

Any ideas? I feel I have tried many different avenues. I do believe in this person, but idk how much longer I can hold onto the hope of change...

SadieBee 04/10/2019

3 years. More dedicated and committed for the last 1 tho.

urbangardener 04/11/2019

SadieBee, I liked your second posting on this thread and feel it shows a lot of insight. What if, your beloved is just not capable of making this change? I say this because I am married to someone who has similar episodes, I call them the blame game in which he gets frustrated and angry sounding and then says he is not angry but the fault is all the other persons. You said this so it is okay for me to over react and say that, according to his first instinct. After a while, he realizes his wrong and apologizes but he can't ever seem to control this instinct of his. I personally don't like it and we will have arguments because I set a boundary of no abusive language or demeaning me (there is no physical abuse). His entire family does this same stuff, the blame game and demeaning others and husband was raised by a mother and father who did this to him and made it clear he didn't matter in their eyes. It is amazing that they all do this same behavior in his family. Husband is actually a nice guy, supportive, loving, kind other than these times of being reactive, but he has this reactive stuff. So in reading your post, I offer what I am coming to understand from my husband, perhaps they are just not capable of making this change. It is too deep seated and too self protective. Consider whether or not your partner has a deep insecurity like my husband has. Consider whether or not they hear us saying they are bad or at fault and it wounds them to their core.

SadieBee 05/07/2019

3 yrs

hsgramabrenda 05/13/2019

Sometimes I think it is a miracle when two people can live in a relationship that is mutually rewarding and a relationship that makes the two of them even better than each one of them alone. Two people come together with different expectations, different habits, different backgrounds, different hopes and dreams and different personalities and levels of maturity. Therefore in any relationship there has to be 1. commitment, 2. give and take, 3. communication and understanding. Many times couples can work thru this on their own especially if they have a good communication system and are both mature and stable adults. But often they need a 3rd objective party/ a counselor to help them over the humps and learning curves.

I hope that both you and your husband will be open to finding help and working to develop the potential of your relationship. Blessings to you.

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