Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My husband was raised by his elderly grandmother and his father who worked all the time. His family has told me stories about how his sister always got picked on because she had matted hair and dirty clothes when they were kids. I've never heard too much about what the boys in the family were like, but I'm guessing it was about the same situation.
The problem is that my husband hardly ever showers. As of right now, it's been 2 weeks. He smells absolutely TERRIBLE! I hate sitting next to him, and I sleep with the blanket bunched up over my face. I've tried telling him things like, "We went for bike ride and you're all sticky and covered in sweat. If you want to get in the shower first, I don't mind." He just says, "I'll take one later..." but he never does. The longest he's gone without a shower (that I know of) is just over 3 weeks. He doesn't even change his underwear between showers either. It's really disgusting, and I don't know what to do. I've tried being blunt with him about it in the past, and his response is always the same- "I don't talk sh*t on you when I don't like the way you look or smell!" So, I tried another approach. We have a 7 year old son, and I make sure he takes a bath or shower daily, as any parent would. While getting him undressed and washing his hair (he is mentally handicapped), I remind him that we have to wash our hair and our bodies every day because personal hygiene is very important. I also tell him how it keeps us healthy. I do all of that with the door to the bathroom open and my husband is within earshot.
So what more can I do? He tried to have sex with me last night, and I didn't know how to tell him I didn't want to. It wasn't easy to keep myself from saying. "I don't want to have sex because you haven't showered in weeks!" With the weather getting hotter, him not showering, and only using when he can smell his own underarm odor, I don't know how much more I can take!
I don't want to hurt his feelings, but OMG this is really grossing me out!
The problem is that my husband hardly ever showers. As of right now, it's been 2 weeks. He smells absolutely TERRIBLE! I hate sitting next to him, and I sleep with the blanket bunched up over my face. I've tried telling him things like, "We went for bike ride and you're all sticky and covered in sweat. If you want to get in the shower first, I don't mind." He just says, "I'll take one later..." but he never does. The longest he's gone without a shower (that I know of) is just over 3 weeks. He doesn't even change his underwear between showers either. It's really disgusting, and I don't know what to do. I've tried being blunt with him about it in the past, and his response is always the same- "I don't talk sh*t on you when I don't like the way you look or smell!" So, I tried another approach. We have a 7 year old son, and I make sure he takes a bath or shower daily, as any parent would. While getting him undressed and washing his hair (he is mentally handicapped), I remind him that we have to wash our hair and our bodies every day because personal hygiene is very important. I also tell him how it keeps us healthy. I do all of that with the door to the bathroom open and my husband is within earshot.
So what more can I do? He tried to have sex with me last night, and I didn't know how to tell him I didn't want to. It wasn't easy to keep myself from saying. "I don't want to have sex because you haven't showered in weeks!" With the weather getting hotter, him not showering, and only using when he can smell his own underarm odor, I don't know how much more I can take!
I don't want to hurt his feelings, but OMG this is really grossing me out!
It's a touchy issue because its like bad breath or things of that nature...how do you tell someone. You said you have been blunt with him...well I guess maybe it may take a doctor to tell him the ramifications of bad hygene or he needs to get an illness related to this issue to change.
Maybe a total starnger needs to say something, embarass him in public. I don't know...maybe do some research online?
Healing- My husband doesn't work right now because he is still recovering from surgery following a work-related injury. But even when he was working, he still didn't shower (which was even worse at that time because he's a welder and was working on huge construction equipment- so you can imagine how much dirt and oil he was covered in). I wish a stranger would say something to him. Anyone wanna make a few bucks? I'll pay someone to say it to him!
Even so, this does seem a little odd. Does he have a doctor you can talk to who can talk to him about it?
I think you just need to be honest, and work on him until you get him to compromise. I think putting up with it is a mistake -- i.e. sleeping/having sex with him as it shows it really doesn't bother you. I also think the talking loud while bathing your son could backfire. I'm sure he knows what you're doing and it probably seems patronizing.
Find some leverage and negotiate! It may not be easy but sometimes you have to get through the debates and arguments before anything gets better. At least get a compromise where he showers a bit more often.
He also my have trouble with his sense of smell or in this case lack of smelling certain scents. Which in that situation he truly does not and cannot smell oders. Or it could all just come down to his upbringing and to him those smelly orders are normal to him because that is all he knew when he was living at home. Perhaps he was emotionally abused in some way at home over bathing issues.
Whatever the case maybe I think the first thing you need to do is find out why he refuses not to shower. Once you know the reason it might be easier to get him to start taking a shower and keeping clean. I know that by your post you have indicated you ask him to take a shower and he comes up with reasons not too or else becomes defensive about it.
I know you do not wish to hurt his feelings in any way but on the same note you could perhaps point out to him that he is hurting your feelings by not respecting you and his health if he continues this type of behavior. Is there any oders that he can't stand? If there are let him know that bad smelling body oder effects you the same way. If you don't express your distaste and how you feel things will more then likely get worse and before you know it you will snap and say hurtful things later on.
I am not sure if someone else telling him he smells will do any good as he probably will just think the person is a jerk and won't listen anyway. However I do think it is important that you let him know how you feel. Maybe it would help if he were to read your post. He needs to realize that his body oder does effect everyone around him and if he cares about the people close to him he will start making an effort to start caring about how he smells.
In the mean time I know for myself I could not and would not be intimate with some one not because I don't care for him but because it would make me sick simple as that. Afterall how many would sleep in a room that has just been painted or a room that has a skunk oder to it. Probably not very many. My point is you probably will end up hurting his feelings a bit here but it may be the only way to get him to face the problem.
I know of a story of a wife who had the problem that you are having now. But in her case her husband was just plain old lazy and didn't want to bathe. So she bought a fish and hid it quite well in his car after some days passed he noticed the smell and couldn't stand it. He also couldn't find where the smell was coming from lol. Anyway it got to the point where he complained so much about it and tried cleaning the car many times but could not get rid of that smell he was ready to sell the car. She finally told him and yep he was mad but he now showers everyday lol. i am not saying you have to do what she did but the story made me chuckle a bit. Anyway let him know how you his body odor is effecting you and hopefully he will start to make some changes. Wishing you the very best.
I guess say "I'm gonna take a shower honey...care to join me?"
And while I am trying to put myself in your shoes, some not so nice words come to mind that I might find myself using if I were in your shoes.
He has never really been one to shower very often. But lately it seems to be worse. He is bipolar, and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with this or not.
I won't lie, it does kinda hurt my feelings that he doesn't want to join me in the shower, but since he never showers anyway, I'm trying not to read too much into it. It would really hurt me if he showered daily and refused.
He has a lot of skin problems, and I think it's from not showering.
Oh, and for the record: I didn't have sex with him last night. I just told him I wasn't feeling too well (which wasn't exactly a lie, since the thought of having sex with him was making my stomach turn a little). He HAS known for a long time that my mouth will not go anywhere (if you know what I mean) unless he's just showered within the past hour. But even a promise of getting THAT doesn't help =/
Personally I would make up a separate bed and refuse to sleep with him (and definitely refuse to have sex) until he takes steps to getting help.
I would also go and have a talk with the family doctor and get support that way.
You poor thing - my heart goes out to you. x
Because of my youngest daughter mental illness I've done quite a lot of advocacy work for those folks who struggle with mental health issues. It's not easy to be around someone who struggles in this way and they can suck the life out of you if you are not careful about boundaries. Please take care of yourself.