I haven't gotten drunk in 2 years. I never was much of a drinker.
You have to watch out for a lot of things in relationships. Alcohol,prescription drugs, all the illegal drugs and yes even weed.
I'm an advocate for pot but damn some folks don't know when enough is enough.
If you notice excessive drinking and them shrugging it off making excuses like it takes more do me to get drunk, that means their goal is simply to get wasted. Moderation is the key with most drugs.

It depends on body weight of course. I heard above 2 12-ounce beers and a person is legally intoxicated, but a person who weighs over 300 lbs. could dispute that.

I observe the emotional ascent and then downslope of a person as they drink. During the ascent, they're giddy, laughing, high on life. Then they sink into depression and you better vacate before they become downright mean!

I have absolutely NO desire to be around anyone that's drinking to excess for any amount of time.

I used to have a really major drinking problem.

I used to date a guy and that was pretty much all we did was drink. And you are right you can't have a healthy relationship that way. You don't know what you are really feeling because you are buzzed all the time.
I won't date a drinker now, unless he is a true social drinker and in my mind that means he rarely drinks and when he does it's like one or 2 beers, period!

I think its good that you are not with this person anymore.

I forgot to add that when I quit drinking he and I had NOTHING in common and we broke up.

Both my sister and her boyfriend drank themselves to death. She was 52 and he was 61. They were always heavy drinkers and in the last 5 or 6 years of their lives (or maybe longer?) they started and ended each and every day with drinking. Literally from the moment they awoke to the moment they went to sleep. Their entire day was sculpted around drinking. For them it had become a necessity.

My sister's drinking impacted the whole family. My mother, farther and me, emotionally and financially. We didn't have much choice in the matter, but I'd never choose to enter into a close relationship with a heavy drinker.

I'm not a teetotaler either. I enjoy a social drink every now and then and even a social puff of herb. And truth be told in my younger days I was an insanely heavy partier, but I eventually outgrew it. So I think I have some perspective from both sides.

I was married to a heavy drinker just like you described. When we traveled as a family, he always drove and drank and you could never tell it affected him. Eventually it caught up with him and destroyed us as a family. He did go to a 30 day rehab program and quit for a short while after a big scare, but eventually returned to drinking. We were married for over 20 years, it was a gradual thing but when I started dating after my divorce, I knew what sort of red flags to look out for.

I am engaged to a heavy drinker. When we met almost 3 years ago, he was very honest with me about his past and his present. He actually went to court for a dui the day after we met. I got to know him for him, and unfortunately HE is a drinker. That's the only version of him I know. He's what I call a "functional drinker". Meaning he still has his shit together- Owns his own business, and is a hard worker. Its just after work, he drinks. As a matter of fact, he drinks in the van as soon as he's done work, because he has someone else drive. And I don't know about the weight thing- because he is only 147 lbs, and drinks constantly from the time he is done work (sometimes as early as noon) until he goes to bed. He drinks a pretty strong beer- and Jager- many shots of it. I have discussed with him how I worry about him- we are madly in love- he appreciates that I am there for him- but fears I would not like who he is if he quits drinking. (He has OCD- and emotional issues) the herb and alcohol help him tame those thoughts. But I agree with Kool- When he has had an extreme amount, he goes from happy & upbeat to very mean in a matter of minutes. I try to warn him when I see it coming, but he doesn't always heed my warning. I have learned to stay away when he gets to that point- because of the hurtful things he says. then the next day he apologizes. I think being with this type of person depends on how bad they are, and how patient and tolerant you are.

Addicts aren't good mates. They will choose their drug of choice over you. It's a disease that had to be addressed before being able to be a healthy partner.

I'm not anti drinking and I've occasionally drank too much, especially in my youth, but I agree that being in a relationship with a heavy drinker sucks.

My father was an alcoholic. And he died because he passed out from drinking and hit his head on a coffee table a few years ago, so he never regained consciousness. The kicker is that he couldn't consume alcohol by mouth because he had throat cancer which caused him to have a feeding tube in his stomach so he would pour vodka down his feeding tube to drink. He used to be a beer drinker but the feeding tube wasn't conducive to beer so he switched to vodka the last few years of his life. It's pathetic. His drinking ruined his marriage and our family, my relationship with him, his relationship with my brothers and their kids, his health, his well being. It ruined everything.

Racinggirl, what you're man is doing is classic alcoholic thinking and behavior, and you being patient and tolerant is exactly what children and partners of alcoholics learn to do. It's a very, very dysfunctional dynamic and has nothing to do with love for each other. And it just gets worse over time. And if you put mental health issues on top of it, like OCD and emotional issues, that just compounds the behavior despite him having the illusion it helps him.

Your post made me really sad and worried for you. Please take care of yourself and remember that you're not obligated to tolerate his behavior. That is not love.

Drew, that's exactly right.

Grainbrain, I'm glad to hear you were able to come out it with a healthy attitude. What you've written here is so important for people to understand who haven't had the experience you share.

Racinggirl, I agree with what Rmb has said, and I'd like to add to this. A heavy drinker, A.K.A. an alcoholic, is very good at convincing themselves and others that they are in control of their addiction, and consider themselves "functioning alcoholics"; which is really just a nice word for alcoholism. It softens the blow, and romanticizes the reality of the disease, making it almost acceptable, even cute.

Most addicts, are very good at hiding the degree to which their addiction controls their lives. And as long as there are good times, no one will really notice, with an emphasis on good times, because when bad times strike, they simply cannot cope.

Most people that I've known who have been in relationships with alcoholics, have low self-esteem, and they never broach the subject of their partner's alcoholism for fear of being ostracized.

Alcohol, like any addictive subtance, is the abuser's best friend, not you, know this. The bottle takes precedence over you, or any situation. The day that you try to come between them, is the day you see them for who they really are, an addicted, often abusive, unreliable, non-functioning person.

It could be more prudent if you were to try to help him with this disease before immersing yourself in a situation that may be wrought with hurt and disappointment.

Read what these lovely people have written here, because many of them have lived with what you call "functioning alcoholics", only to have watched them, and everyone around them suffer. I lost a good friend to alcoholism, and she wasn't even 50. Alcoholism is a serious disease, don't make the mistake of taking it lightly.

I wish you well.

Racinggirl, I'm saying this with love....you are enabling your fiancee to continue a behavior that is destructive and doesn't just harm him. You think you are helping, but you are not. Your behavior is called codependency. Look into it (((HUGS)))

@ racinggirl

A functional drinker is a social drinker and your fianc is not a social drinker. There's no such thing as a functional alcoholic, only an alcoholic. I'd say your fianc is at Stage 3:

http://www.addictioncampuses.com/resources/addiction-campuses-blog/the-4-stages-of-alcoholism-for-the-functioning-alcoholic/

I am not lecturing and don't mean to scare you, but I'm just relating my experience with alcoholics who were/are very close to me. The real scary part is Stage 4. When people drink that heavily every day it takes a tremendous toll on the body.

My sister had a double aneurysm and it was a miracle she survived. But that didn't stop her from drinking. She was right back at it and with gusto. Her drink of choice was vodka and fruit juice. Within eight years she succumbed to WernickeKorsakoff syndrome after several years of seizures.

Her boyfriend had to have 2/3 of his bowel resected. It was so much rotten flesh, most likely because his diet was 90%+ Busch beer and Jager. After he was released he had to live with a colostomy bag for several months before he healed internally and they reconnected his bowel to his intestine. And still he continued to drink. His liver was just about shot and he had several strokes and passed away within 4 years.

She was 52 and looked 70. He was 61 and looked 80. They were both skin & bones, lost all their teeth, bruised easily, had hair loss, etc... And right up to their ends they never admitted how bad off they really were. They both insisted they were just fine, could stop whenever they wanted and weren't going anywhere anytime soon.



Now the good news is one of my very close cousins had a good job (NYC EMT) making good bucks, had a beautiful fianc but got really hooked on alcohol and cocaine. He lost everything. His fianc, job, apartment. His world crashed down on him, He hit rock-bottom.

He had his moment of clarity after his third rehab stint and third relapse and started attending AA meetings and found a great sponsor. That was 12 years ago, he's been sober ever since and is now a NYS corrections officer and doing okay.

So there's always hope, but the addict has to want to change.

Great story #Justasimpleguy. Sorry for all of your loss of loved ones though.