I don't think that there are perfect relationships as we're imperfect people... All relationships I think take work, tolerance, and compromise and that's not always easy

The person that we can change is ourselves …. I haven't made a lifelong connection either other then with family and friends but not a SO

I guess it depends on your definition of a healthy relationship. I think if a relationship doesn’t work out, that doesn’t automatically make it unhealthy.

If each person has their own insecurities and hang ups, does that make them unhealthy people? Not necessarily.

I dunno. I guess I don’t see it so black and white.

I felt sad when I read your post. Sad that you feel that way. I think there are plenty of happy relationships out there..... "healthy"...… well, that's just one word that describes a relationship. There are plenty more words than that.

I think there is more than one "perfect" person for each of us, and we are typically limited geographically. What if my perfect soul mate is in Antarctica?? They could be.... but I could just as well also be in a really good and happy and fun relationship with someone I met who lives on my own street.

Work on yourself the best you can, and you will attract quality people into your life. Like attracts like. Be the kind of person that you would like to attract. Good luck and best wishes to you!

I believe a healthy relationship is something like a healthy body in that illness happens to the healthiest of us. Good health requires allot of maintenance. Don't throw ^it^ away because you caught a cold or broke a bone.

Right.

For me, I know there were times in my life I was not in a good place myself, and those were usually the times I tried making relationships happen with people I’m not even sure I liked that much or who were clearly not interested in anything serious. That was about me. It had nothing to do with the person I was trying to have a relationship with. So I guess, yes, for a relationship to be healthy, both people need to be on the same page, want the same things, be respectful themselves and each other, have their shit together, etc. But for sure it starts with ourselves.

I read your post this morning and thought about it as this subject gas been on my mind. I agree that healthy relationships are few. (In my experience). So following the above logic I see that healthy individuals may be lacking. A few years ago my wife and I stopped watching tv and decided to work on our individual selves. We’ve been fairly codependent for a long time. I have been amazed at how far our communication has grown by becoming more grounded in ourselves. There’s a lot of work to do and we are honest with each other that we may not always be together. Being able to talk about what we want without triggering the defensive walls in the other is liberating. Reading about emotional and spiritual health has become so important. We hadn’t been open to self honesty. So our relationship is a beautiful mess now because we see it for what it is. And I think that’s pretty healthy. The emotional intelligence I am slowly learning is what unconditional love means. After nearly three decades I am arriving at the place where I want her to be happy with or without me and she feels the same. Seeing my past mindset is shocking and illuminating. I had to find maturity by myself. The journey every healthy person needs to embark on. Let’s face it, it’s work and these days that’s what is shrinking. Ethics.

I been with my husband 17 years. Married 14. He's the sweetest and best thing what's ever happened to me.he's very understanding of my emotions and anxiety.

He's always supportive and loving and because of him I'm blessed to have my 4 year old daughter and I got a baby coming in April.

So there are healthy relationship s there is no such thing as perfect. A couple can be perfect for each other.

You mentioned the 'newness' of relationships.... The 'googieyed' period or honeymoon period of newness isn't going to last just due to the fact it won't remain "new"

I think a far deeper friendship and respect can develop though

That doesn't mean a strong attraction can't and can't evolve over time

Thank you for sharing finallyawakenow….. It's really nice to read the work that you and your wife have been doing

I know that it lies with me that I wasn't able to make it work due some really difficult childhood crap that has effected my ability to trust

Like sun cloud said: we can only change ourselves. My problem was that I was stuck in the rut of going through my motions and missed the part where we were supposed to grow. That’s how our relationship stalled and only with the decision to change ourselves did it begin to feel new again. I had to learn that we have to create a healthy relationship with ourself. This is something that I never took the time to do with all of life’s distractions pulling me every which way. I don’t know how many people live a truly healthy lifestyle. I think it’s expanding with meditation and yoga centers. There are some great books and podcasts to get our minds unstuck. That’s the root of weather we’re going to build something special and real with another or not. Step outside the boxes we tend to surround ourselves with and become more present. When I come back to living in the moment I am happy and healthy. There are unlimited levels of ‘healthy’ and we need to be aware of this. That settling you mentioned reflects at what point we decide (consciously or not) to inhabit.

I think there are many reasons why relationships don't work: addiction issues, lack of affection, disinterest, lack of respect, trust issues, communication issues,etc. I feel like if you always lead with knowing yourself and being self aware, it sheds light on the unhealthy behaviors of not only yourself, but you're able to see it in others too. I find that awareness really important to having a health relationship.

Is my relationship 100% healthy 24/7. Nope. I know this because some days I'm petty, or some days I'm not liking myself, or some days, I'm not liking my spouse. Some days I fight a little too hard, because I'm hurt or not in a good place. Some days my husband shuts down and is stubborn. We're human. So to me it's how you recover from those times and move on, independently and as a couple. I used to honestly believe this, that if my relationship is really solid at least 51% of the time, I'm happy. I've upped that percentage a bit over the years as my husband and I have learned better ways of managing ourselves within the relationship. I guess it's not so much that I expect so little, but because I've seen a lot of dysfunction in my own family so I expect imperfection, mistakes, challenges and what not. We both grew up in effed up households with screwed up families, but very different screwed up families. We bring a ton of baggage to the equation. But who cares. You just plug along and commit to trying harder, being better, learning, etc.

So to the OP, yeah humans are flawed, for real, and some of us learned survival strategies due to the harshness of our upbringings or our experiences. But I think how you handle the business of the relationship, when we act out or bring that baggage to our relationships, and how you focus on what is within you that is driving healthy behaviors, is what makes that relationship either healthy or unhealthy.

There is a reason the divorce rate is sky rocketing year by year and I believe that a reason for this is because most people now a days settle. They settle because they feel that the 'connection' they have with their person is irreplaceable, even though they are unhappy and constantly feel betrayed or disrespected by their partner. I think that finding that true one is hard work and doesn't just fall in your lap like it does in the movies. I do believe that sometimes it does, but there are way too many fish in this sea to know that happens to everyone. A relationship is different to everyone and I always like to relate back to the 5 love languages because I do believe this is ultimately true and a good way to live through your relationship. Some people find their love at 18, some find it at 65, there is no rule to relationships. I also feel that there is not only one person out there for you because again, there are way too many fish in this sea.

I think the divorce rate has actually been declining probably because younger people are putting off marriage later.

But I do agree that some people settle. I also think sometimes what we think is someone settling, it’s really just hope.

I also think sometimes relationships just end. Some friendships do as well. It doesn’t necessarily mean it was a bad or unhealthy relationship or friendship, or bad or unhealthy people.

I wonder how the disposable way of life our civilization is encouraging affects our relationships. Also the instant gratification that I see happening. I think these factors perpetuate a ’grass is always greener’ mentality. For instance, my wife is going through peri menopause and her affection is nill. Am I settling by staying with her through the insomnia and hot flashes? I guess. Maybe that woman who made eye contact with me at the market would be a better partner. Or the cute waitress at lunch.... Instead of settling for no intimacy I give her naked foot massages to help her sleep. Not perfect but it’s a real connection for both of us. And I am learning things about myself that I may not have if I had just abandoned ship for a new fling. I am discovering that not expecting our partners to supply our happiness gives me the opportunity to take responsibility for it myself. See.... codependent taught me something.

HRT finally...… The best drug I've ever taken and it literally works overnight.... That quickly

Mentalpause symptoms are gone!!!,,,

I know that not everyone can take it but if she can it is sure worth it

I don’t think that’s settling because your wife is experiencing perimenopause. It’s adapting. If that’s settling then we are ALL
settling.

I’m one of those who can’t take HRT, ARGH! But the worst of the emotional/mental effects of perimenopause I experienced are over, probably because there is not so much wild hormone fluctuations. Now it’s the slow march to full menopause with the hot flashes,body aches, headaches, yadda, yadda, yadda. For sure low libido is part of it. To say it’s all an act of will on my part these days to be affectionate with my husband is an understatement but I do make an effort. Because I understand what’s happening to me and I just figure out how to not be a slave to my biology.

Make no mistake though. As women go through this, and men think, sheesh should I jump ship, some of us women are thinking the same thing. Women go through very obvious changes as they age but so do men. My husband thinks he’s still the same man he was 20 years ago and he’s not. He truly thinks I’m the only one who is changing probably because my changes impact him. I think that’s his ego’s way of protecting him from the harsh reality that he’s lost some mojo too as he’s gotten older.