Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am 56 years old and the most difficult relationship in my entire life has been with my mom. She is a dry alcoholic. I go to Al Anon, and it helps a great deal, but sometimes I don't know when to forgive or when to draw a line. My dad has passed away and it is up to me and my alcoholic brother to "tend" to her now that dad is gone.
As long as I can remember in life, I have "tended" to my emotional, easily upset, never satisfied mother.
It is never enough. Emotionally she is a bottomless pit. And it wears on me....
She called me for the third weekend in a row today... needing my help. I dropped everything last weekend and drove immediately to her house and stayed 3 days. And she is in NEED again.. Why? bc her doctor has asked her to go see a gynocologist. Why? bc she had a side effect of bleeding to a medication / which is very typical and the bleeding has already stopped. But she still NEEDS me. It's never enough.
I went and stayed 3 days and she wondered why I was leaving so soon. ... it's always like that. But she won't come to MY house bc she doesn't have full reign and can't vent her emotions. She can't yell, scream, bawl and rant over at my house in front of my husband.... like she will when I am "alone" with her.
I'm weary to the bone. I'm so tired of it. After dad died, I vowed I would never again be a target to her screaming fits bc she is having a dry drunk day. She screams at me if I come on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day... stuff that stupid. I just am so tired.
She started screaming at me on the phone today bc I didn't respond fast enough to her text and bc she NEEDED ME and I wasn't there... for??? Bc she's having a dry drunk. She always does in the summer when she isn't working.
I just hung up the phone bc I refuse to be screamed at. I refuse. I was screamed at all my life by her. And I am sick of it. I've told her this before... that as soon as she starts screaming, the conversation is over.
I love her but I am so tired.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I just do not want to be a part of the co dependent relationship that she HAS to have with me and anyone else in her life. I love her, but I'm starting to love myself MORE>
Does that make sense?
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
They have to get more than just OFF the liquor.... they have to get emotional recovery... which my mom never did nor never will get.... it's more painful than when the brother is drunk. At least he has an excuse for acting terrible... he's under the influence.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I had to literally tell my dad my expectations for his behavior and if he couldn’t do what was expected I would not see or speak to him. I ended up not seeing him much as a result because he never changed but honestly it was such a sense of relief for me knowing I had a line he could no longer cross.
I loved my dad too but I had to love myself more in order to feel emotionally whole. Sounds like you are getting that.
Otherwise he would have sucked the life right out of me.
Give yourself permission to be ok with not tolerating your mom’s behavior.
Kudos for not abandoning your sick mother, but do take extra care of you. You don't help a drowning victim by letting them drown you in their hysteria. With my own mentally ill family members, I shoot to do what I can without hurting myself and let the rest go.
Vent freely. Vent often.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. They helped me so much. I forget (even though I go to Al Anon) that I have the right to take care of MYSELF first. I have RA, and i have to take care of myself physically and emotionally to get thru each week.
My mom and brother both tell me I am selfish and what I shld and shd NOT do.
I'm tired. I just want peace from their hysteria and crazy lives. And they are always in crisis.
thank you again. Your words were like a balm to my soul.
Ginger
You can have compassion for their issues from an emotional distance. It’s ok. It really is ok to say enough. They can’t force you to do anything. They will kick and scream because you are no longer meeting their needs. Let them. You are ultimately in control.
Thank you so much. I have really needed these words today bc my mom is on an emotional drunk and she kicks and screams when she can't manipulate me. Sometimes my alcoholic brother gets on the band wagon with her. I never know.
Yes, I am in control. She is not in a medical crisis. She is not dying. She is not bleeding to death. She has just isolated herself from ppl all summer long and wants me to be there at her house... I guess.... She goes off on emotional tangents that I have never in my life been able to figure out. Never. It has always baffled me and my dad.
I have the right to take care of myself today. She has the responsibility of taking care of herself today. I can't always be her "answer". I can't always come running. I have a life here w/ my husband. I deserve peace and happiness in my home and in my mind. I will just have to let her tantrum go and let her kick and scream in her own house.... I still can have peace even when the alcoholic is drinking or not....
Thank you. It really is okay to take care of me today. And today, i am very very tired of it al....
ty
Ginger
I took care of my folks the last few years of their lives and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.... My mom had Alzheimer's and it was tough so I wrote this because I do get it
If you would rather your mom come to your home I would give her that option if she wants to see you
I think she's used to bullying and manipulating you by getting loud and it's always worked so she continues to get louder when you don't do as she demands ….. a tall two year old
I would simply tell her that she's not going to manipulate you anymore using her out of control temper and not to call you if she can't manage to control herself and then the hard part is to follow through
She may have a personality disorder??….. Do you think?.... Have you ever known what is underlying the addiction?
There is a Caring for Aging Parents board on here that isn't too busy however there are regular participants that often share some of the same struggles.....
Big hug and a blessing.....xo
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/caring-for-aging-parents
you for just taking care of Mom. Mom will always be Mom right. You
love her so much, You are so drained- its so hard I know.
Right off the back continue to go if you are to the support group for
families of alcoh.
Love yourself first.If she loved herself more ,wanted to get emotionally better
well-thats her decision right?
Love yourself my dear because if You Dont- you will soon render yourself
incapable of even caring for her............
Love yourself and self partner with yourself making sure that Ginger is
centered and mentally,physically and spiritually healthy- THEN you do
like others have suggested above setting limits and such but protect you
and nurture and love yourself deeply through this process.
Thank you so much for sharing and letting us in always know
SHARING HEALS************************SHARING HEALS*************************<3<3