sunnyjax, I am new here and don't know your story, but I have a good friend who has been in an abusive relationship for over a year and I have watched her go through this cycle over and over again. It's like an addiction. She gets fed up and leaves, then misses him, then goes back, then gets fed up again. The problem is that when it's good it's really good and when it's bad it's really bad. When she is with him all she can think about is the bad. When she leaves him all she can remember is the good. She's been riding an emotional roller coaster for so long she's forgotten what normal life is like. She's forgotten how it feels to be truly loved for who she is, not adored one day and then abused the next. That's not love. She's forgotten what real joy is. All she knows is the pain of abuse and the temporary exhilaration of reconciliation. I am hoping she will achieve escape velocity soon and move on to someone who deserves her and treats her well. Until then, all I can do is watch and hope and pray. When making big life changes like the one you are making, things almost always get worse before they get better (think of a drug addict going through withdrawals). But on the other side of the pain you are feeling is freedom and joy -- if you can stay away long enough to get some clarity about your situation. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. Stay strong, and trust that your pain will soon pass.

Oh thank you gebaird, that sounds so familiar. Which is strangely comforting.
Hanging in here. X

it will get better, you did the right thing for you. There is a lot to look forward to... Im excited for you.

I left at 49 1/2 years old and then spent a lot of time just trying to survive, financially, and the separation was too long before the divorce began, when the divorce began it drug out for a year, then then there was my case in appeals court, followed by a legal malpractice case. And all the while I was working full time but not making enough money to really live on, so such financial struggle. All of this was pretty messy, ugly and stressful, expensive and time consuming. I NEVER SAW such a mess headed my way, it's not what I'd ever understood to be a possibility in a separation and divorce situation. Now, nearly 7 years after the divorce I am still struggling financially and will never be able to retire. You know what, though? I don't regret leaving him! I never looked back. At least now I call my own shots, there's no one at home who I have to walk on eggshells around or who is going to give me a load of crap when I walk through the door ... or stand next to me with his fist clenched, asking me whether I want my teeth knocked out. I may be struggling, financially, but before I was struggling in worse ways. I have great friends now, I'm going to be all right, and I can allow myself to dream and maybe find a way to make some of those dreams come true. As I told one person here on DS, I never experienced joy with him over seeing something new and amazing, or doing something new and amazing, or fulfilling a dream, he squashed everything. But since I got away from him I finally experienced true joy in fulfilling a dream, and then another. He squashed everything before, my needs were irrelevant to him, and my growth was dearly stunted by being with him for too long. When I finally experienced joy it was only without him and it blew my mind.

Time is not on your side. Don't go back. Men who abuse are time-wasters and life-wasters. Every day you spend with him in your life, is a day you are stealing JOY from YOURSELF.

...don't forget the pain of his fists at the ends of those arms either. I've been there. My worst experience was the day BEFORE I left him. It's been sunnier, funnier and sweeter ever since. Good for you. Good luck and more in your new life's beginnings. Take care.

Sunny, did you end up seeing him today? I know you said you had to go back and I thought it was today. I hope it went ok. I'm a little worried for you right now, since it's so early in you leaving him, and I know you're feeling a lot of different emotions.

I hope you are doing all right and that you did not go back.

I drove for two hours to see him.
This was arranged the week before and reconfirmed two days before. We didn't fix a time, he seemed reluctant to but I did say afternoon. He said ' come anytime I am always in' I didn't hear from him the day before or on the day to confirm and I thought we had left it that he would be in as he said he would be.
So guess what my DS friends…..
He wasn't in.
Now this was a surprise but also not surprising.
I gathered up a few more things but in haste as I didn't want him to come home and catch me doing that as I felt it could be emotive. So I drove off and text him that I was disappointed not to have been able to see him. He said ' I am in ( a village about thirty minutes away) and on my way back soon. '

So siiiiggghhhh….. I hadn't slept for days stressing about this meeting.
I really wanted to get it sorted and have a conversation with him to clarify things and to gauge where I stood financially. I knew I had to be careful not to suggest or say that anything was his fault as it would mean war!

SO I sat there in my car and I felt like this had finished it for me. No more doubt or looking back.
I saw his being out as a huge controlling act to see if I would wait for him. It was enough to have got me to drive for two hours to see him for a start. I don't know how to explain that but I know it felt shitty and Im going with that.
So I drove back to my daughters bedsit and my mattress on the floor, happier than I have been for years!

Not sure what the next step is? A letter? Divorce costs £550 which I don't have but could raise if I sold some jewellery but I might need it to live on….or shall I just wait it out and get on with my life? Any advice the safest way to proceed?

PS - the jewellery I have to sell was bought by him as an over blown act of how much he loves me, after abusive times…..I have no attachment to it.

Yes he was trying to control once again by not being there! What an ass, I hope that gave you a big reminder as to why you left. Keep strong!

I'm glad he wasn't there actually. I think you're right. He's trying to call the shots, be the one in control. All you can do is control yourself. Like OTM said, keep strong. I think too, if there's any local support groups or resources to help you figure out some options and maybe some ways to navigate the system, definitely reach out to them. This is not something you need to go into alone and I think because he's so manipulative, you want to be prepared for any crazy thing he throws your way. He's not a good man to you. Just keep remembering that, when you feel like he's trying to get in your good graces or trying to twist things around.

It seems like hes oblivious to whats happening, or am i just expecting too much from him? What would be a normal reaction?