Hi Mountains. I was married 11 years, together for 19. I have been divorced for about 3.5 years.

To some extent, what you describe with stress and negativity and difficulty communicating IS, in fact, a pretty common scenario of "married with kids" and two working parents. But perhaps it can be improved upon? We did not succeed in saving the marriage, but I later found out that my ex-wife had been cheating for 1-2 years. It was too far gone.

You may be able to save it. If no one is cheating and you've caught the problems before they fester too long, get too bad. Let me point out a couple things you wrote:

"My husband is a good person and cares deeply about his family."

That is excellent. You have not reached the point where you have disgust or lack of respect for him (and hopefully him for you).

"We are in counseling right now, but I find it frustrating as I don’t feel like I can say what I am truly feeling."

This is a PROBLEM! You need to dig deeper into this - why can't you say what you truly feel? You will NEED to be fully truthful. If not there will be resentment, miscommunication. Men are not mind readers. Don't assume he knows what you are feeling. I think you really need to focus on this and find a way to communicate. With or without the help of the counselor, or if he/she is not helping, then find a new counselor.

"but at some point I just want to tell him to find a way to deal with it or find a new job"

Let me just tell you that this is not always easy for someone to do. And I don't even mean the logisitics of finding a new job. But letting go of the well-known provider job and walking into the unknown. I know that because I myself work a job I don't really like, and that sometimes brings me great stress. But I haven't been willing to walk away and chance something new, mostly because it is a good-providing job and I know the end of the tunnel is in sight, financially. Some men are wired as providers. Don't just assume "Hey, you hate your job, just get another one! What's the big deal?" I just wanted to provide another perspective on your statement.

"tired of the negativity he exudes."

This is valid, but perhaps you can tell him this and also tell him you want him to be able to vent, but perhaps keep it to a set period of time. Like he comes home, he vents a bit, gets it off his chest, and then he can let it lie for the rest of the evening and try to focus on more positive things.

"How can I encourage him to find the positive and support him without harboring feeling of resentment?"

What is it that you resent him for? Just being negative about his job? I suspect it's more than that.

Perhaps take what you've written here to your next session and get it on the table

Not being open in therapy sort of defeats the purpose of working through your problems.... You're not doing it to hurt him but to hopefully work towards finding some resolution

He might be struggling with depression?? perhaps and that's a treatable illness or maybe he should just look for a new position ?

I would be honest in therapy though..... Marriage can be hard work.... I wasn't able to make it..... Big hug....xo

We saved our marriage by acceptance and forgiveness. And here’s the twist; not toward eachother but for ourselves. I finally discovered that the happiness I was looking for was available the whole time. I was just ignoring my potential. When I took responsibility for my own emotional health my entire outlook shifted. Becoming freer of stress and anxiety requires a little thinking outside the box. I suggest walking meditation and no tv to start He needs to love himself to climb out of the constricting box he’s created. Then he can give you real love. The unconditional kind that wouldn’t spread negative energy but wants to make your life sweeter. He can go to the gym or boxing class on the way home if he can’t handle the stress on his own. Coming home should be a sanctuary not a regurgitation of his day. Work that therapy!! He needs to open up to his feelings. To accept the work ahead and create the desire to grow. Stagnant behavior is living in limbo and it will not end by itself. You and he have to invite change in. And this requires real communication not tiptoeing around uncomfortable issues. We shook ourselves awake by openly talking about separation to work on ourselves. Admitting that past patterns weren’t working gave a boost to look at other options. Without any blame or getting defensive. Bests

@Finallyawkenow- well said. well said. love all the above posts!
Maybe you can speak 1:1 with the therapist- tell them that you can not
express for the above reasons you stated, maybe she has another way
to approach certain topics so it does not seem as though you are the bad guy
( he also probably needs 1:1 counseling for himself as well.
Either way stay positive, I think regardless you should air out what you need to
because he is going to have to learn the coping skills needed to deal period--no 2 ways around it.
If he comes home on a daily and goes off about the job- there is a term for that- its called "Dumping". You are not a vessel to absorb this negative
energy. Time limit the convo each time less and less, then re-direct the convo to something positive(that he likes maybe eg sports etc,
Alot of times creating a therapeutic meditative sanctuary in the home,soothing music, dimmed lighting (dimmed lighting works for me) helps.You can put tropical house plants , lovely aromas etc.
Coming home and doing deep breathing helps,He has to find a way to de-stress.It has to become a lifestyle.He owes this to himself- to live a better, happier life- that both of you deserve.
Hugs, Happiness, Peace,Healing

It's hard after resentment has built up to be understanding and patient. There are underlying issues that have not been resolved and then you have to take on more negativity every day.

I don't think it's a good idea to try to solve your husband's work problems by making suggestions for him. Remember that we all want someone to vent to about our frustrations every day. Try not to consider yourself part of that equation. You are not part of his work problems. If anything you are helping him to solve it. Talking about problems helps people to flesh out the solutions and relive the stress from those problems. Remind your self that he is not mad at you, he is mad about work and talking about it helps releive pressure.

There is one area that really needs attention and that is what happens after you go to your counseling sessions. It is not fair to you that he is grumpy and withdrawn afterward for a long period of time. That discourages you from expressing your feelings and no one should have to live like that.

One of the things that counselors try to get couple's to do is discuss their own feelings instead of accusations and to discuss desires instead of deficits. It helps to make the discussions more positive. Reflect on the way you are making your requests and expressing your feelings in the sessions. You can't change him, but you can change your responses.

Also, let him know that when he separates from you after a session and gets really angry, that it doesn't help to bring you closer. Let him know that you would rather ye discuss his feelings and wants for change than continue be angry about what was discussed.

Finallyawakenow shared a lot of good truth.

After 38 years in our first marriage, we are still working through those confusions and resentments one day at a time. Lately I wonder if we are even in danger of learning how to do the dance with gentle compassion and unconditional love. I think we might need another 38 years of practice to get this down. Good loving takes time to learn.

Steadying support while you find what works for you, Mountains.

Besides total honesty in the counseling sessions which I agree is a must. His anger and moodiness should not be the focus of your life. What about just stopping trying to fix husband? What about focusing on yourself and your emotions and try to fix yourself instead of him. Put your focus within yourself and this will take a lot of the anxiety and anger in the marriage away. We can't change other people but we can change ourselves. What about just letting him be and accepting how he is. I used to think I needed validation and love from others so I was always seeking others to validate and love me. Finally, I found love from myself and realized I was tired of the roller coaster of hoping, wanting, being desperate for the approval and love from others. Once you understand yourself more and let go of trying to fix other people, you can look at the marriage with more clarity. No marriage is one person being all bad or one person being all good. If what I write seems applicable, I would highly recommend The New Codependency book as it opened my own eyes about me. My husband can be moody also and he ruminates on his stressful issues. I have mentioned to my husband how I believe he needs more serotonin in his brain but he doesn't see the need for "help". My brain gets worn out, tired, from hearing it. When I try to shut him down or change him, we argue. When I allow him to be who he is, we get through it. I want my husband to be less negative and less ruminating and so do you but we don't have the power to change them. Now that I stop trying to change him, I allow my mind to wander when he is on a rumination jag and I let go of trying to say something to solve the problem. I will sometimes say the ruminating is not healthy but not in a critical or negative or demeaning way. If a person is 80% good traits and 20% bad traits, that is probably a win. None of us are always perfect and always loving and always able to give emotionally to other people.

My husband used to drown me in his work stress when he was working a painfully difficult job. I tried everything I tried telling him to suck it up (not very nice I know) that it’s just a job, I tried telling him to quit and find something more fulfilling, I tried sympathy, I tried blowing steam off WITH him. It wasn’t until I said one day “ I know this situation makes you miserable what can I do to make you smile or your evening better right now” listening and validating that I was there helped us through some terrible jobs he had. He did eventually quit and start his own business, he doesn’t make as much money as he did when he was miserable but I’ll take it. He comes home happy and much more content.

I am sorry you are going through this. I know it brings down your happiness. Maybe you should have your own therapist. You also need someone to vent to. as well as him. Good luck to yu both

My husband has a very stressful job and his personality isnt what it used to be. He does the same thing and mostly complains about work. I offer suggestions and even offered to look for a different job for him. He doesn’t take my advice. Very frustrating. I listen bc i would want him to listen. But its hard. Hang in there. Offer up solutions