I have gone through counseling twice with my husband, plus many many talks that turn into arguments. This letter is my last attempt to reach my husband or I have to move on. Please give me your feedback here and tell me what you think. 

I’ve had a hard time writing this.  Every time I sit down and try to put my thoughts down here, my mind shuts down because nothing I’ve said up to this point has made a difference with you.  I’m so frustrated and angry most of the time.  I don’t like the direction our relationship has gone in.  I really want to work on things, but I can’t do it by myself.  The anxiety is a result of this frustration.  I wake up from bad dreams, mostly involving you, and I think, If we just sit down and I talk to him about what’s bothering me so much, he’ll see what it’s doing to me and we can work on it.  Then I remember how many talks we’ve had that turned into arguments and how many times we’ve gone to counseling.  What’s it going to take to get you to pay attention to what’s happening to us?  How far we’re growing apart.  The fact that your wife is always defensive and feels like she has to protect herself from you emotionally.  We’re in a downward spiral and I’m at a complete loss since nothing has worked so far.

Let me start by asking what the deal is by all the recent name calling?  I don’t understand why you say things like ‘quit acting like a bitch’ or even calling me a selfish bitch.  I don’t call you a prick or a selfish bastard or any other derogatory name to make you feel insecure or bad about yourself.  I find it extremely hurtful that you do.  I am not selfish.  Coming to you and asking for what I need in our relationship, or asking you to show some consideration for the things I like or don’t like to do isn’t selfish.  It’s what a wife should be able to do with her husband without worrying that he’ll call her names or ignore her.  

These last 2 times when we did football games with others, I’ve been amazed at how you disregard what I ask, or completely ignore the way we have done things in the past.  When we’ve been in Lincoln on game days, we have always left early to avoid traffic when we’re coming back late, like it was when I asked to leave.  Also, when we go to the sports bar to watch a game together, we always leave at half time so we can go home and I can do other stuff.  The only time we ever stay for a whole game is when we go to watch the Super Bowl.  You know I don’t care for football.  When we started planning to watch a little football together so we could spend time doing something you liked, it was with this understanding.  That it would be for only part of the time.  So now, I’ve got you going back on what was our previous agreement.  You forced me to stay for 5 hours of football knowing I would hate being there for that long.  You ignored me when I said I’d like to head home at half time, then you had the nerve to tell me I was being a selfish bitch.  Do you care at all about me?  Think about this.  When have I ever forced you to spend your whole day doing something that I knew you wouldn’t like to do, then called you names because you said you were ready to leave… family functions don’t count since they’re unpleasant for both of our families due to our siblings and your mom.  I keep wondering though, why do you think it’s only your decision to make if we stay or go, and screw your wife and what she might want?

I’m trying to figure out why you’ve changed so many of the things that were important things to me when we dated and married.  You started pushing me away when I wanted to cuddle, then started to sit on the floor while I sat on the couch.  You won’t do the dances that I like or hold me close when we dance.  You keep me at arms length which I hate.  You smack on me too hard, at times bringing me to tears or making me so angry I yell at you.  I saw you a few times, turning away to hide your smile when I became angry.  And this started me thinking that you like doing things to me that you know I don’t like.  You take pleasure in it, telling me you just wanted to get a rise out of me, your just giving me a hard time.  The only thing you’re doing is hurting me or making me feel angry.  Don’t you understand that you can’t keep doing things to someone after they’ve asked you to stop and have them believe that you care about them.  

These types of situations are the reason that I’m questioning everything I ever believed about us.  This is the exact opposite of what I thought we would be like together.  It is not only my responsibility to give up everything I want or need in our relationship.  It is our job to compromise and find a middle ground that we can both be happy with.  You and I had found that middle ground with football where I was willing to watch some of it with you so we could share a little of what you love.  But now,  you watch football all weekend long, and you ignore me when I tell you that I’ve had enough when we’re out.  You owe it to me to respect that since we’ve already discussed this.  I have to wonder how much of your football obsession is due to the gambling and if that might be getting out of hand, but thats a topic for a later discussion.

When are my feelings and opinions going to be important to you?  Right now you zone out on me, dismiss most things I’ve talked to you about saying it’s not as bad as all that, or tell me it didn’t happen the way I say it did.  And all I’m thinking when you say these things is that you either don’t take me seriously anymore, or your not being honest with me because you don’t want to deal with our problems.  You don’t appreciate the things I do for us either.  You give me the impression that bringing money into the household is the only thing that matters.  That the things I contribute to the household aren’t as important as that.  This attitude started when we bought this house because you never did this before.  You also never gave me so much crap about not making dinner during the week, since I’m at work and can’t unless I do a crockpot meal.  So let me tell you that what I have to offer does matter and is very important to this household.  I don’t deserve to have the things I do belittled.  I may not do everything the way you think I should, but you don’t do the things you should either.  You often leave me hanging when you’ve said you’d me help me with a problem or have made promises to me.  You are able to ask my for my help and be sure that I will be there to help you when I promise to.  It’s very important to me to be there when my husband needs me. So why isn’t that a priority for you?  You haven’t considered your promises to me a priority in a long long time.  

Our sex life has to change if we’re going to be able to have one.  I can’t keep going along with what we have now.  I can’t keep feeling responsible for taking care of your needs while your ignoring mine.  Do you realize that I can’t remember the last time I also got to finish when we had sex?  It’s either a quickie for you because you’re too excited and can’t hold it, or you jump on too fast, don’t do any of the things that turn me on and excite me, and after 10 minutes, make me feel like I’m taking too long and then I can’t come.  None of our sex life is about me and what I like, and I can no longer relax, trust you’ll take care of me, and enjoy what I do.  And none of this seems to bother you since you have no problem falling right asleep after.  Just because what you’re doing feels good to you does not mean it feels good to me.  I don’t think you completely get this. You leave me feeling worthless and unloved in all of it.  You fall asleep and I stay up crying because this is so not what I thought our relationship would be like.  You need to understand that you cannot take a woman who was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, treat her this way in the bedroom and not have her feel used and unimportant to you.  If you want to have a sexually enthusiastic wife,  you have to be a considerate lover. Any woman would be hurt by the things you’re doing if you do it all the time.

We also have all these issues with the money coming into the house.  I find it questionable that you won’t tell me exact amounts of what your part time check is each time it comes.  The same when you do side jobs.  I have to wonder what else your hiding if you can’t just tell me and share some of the spending money.  You’ll tell me an approximate amount, then spend a lot more than you said you had.  If you’re not being honest about this, what else are you not being honest about.  There have been several things that I got the impression that you were not being honest about. Money in the marriage is supposed to be ours, but you treat it like it’s yours and I don’t have a right to any of it.  You keep it in your wallet or put up somewhere instead of making it accessible for both of us and planning together how to spend it on what we need or want.  I’m not going to force you to do anything, but I won’t stay around forever with a man who seems to have so little consideration and respect for me.  We talked about all these things, that I’ve brought up in this letter, before we married.  We had come to an understanding about everything and I thought we were on the same page with what we thought and what we wanted for our relationship.  I want a partner, not a man who thinks I’m so stupid that I can’t have any say in the things that affect me.  I matter too!  The things that I want or need in this marriage are important too.  We absolutely need to get to work on this marriage or we are not going to make it very much longer.  Because if you don’t respect and value me, then we don’t have anything.