Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi there.
I've been going out with a guy for abouth two months now, but so far there hadn't been any talk about defining the relationship and it was making me uncomfortable because I'm not so open minded to have an open relationship, I'm cheesy and I like to be called "girlfriend" and that sort of thing.
Last night I brought up the subject and he asked me if I wanted to be in a more serious relationship and I said yes, he then told me how much he likes me but he feels I'm still carrying a lot of baggage and that is not fair for him because I'm asking him to be more serious and at the same time putting up a wall (that part I get), but all this comes from the fact that I'm very shy and it's hard for me to be around new people and I panic.
I know there's still thing I need to deal with from the abuse in my past and I thought I was doing that already, according to him I'm not, but I've always been shy, is that such a terrible thing? Is not that I love it but at this point in my life I thought it was just the way I am, it takes me time to open up and trust people.
And the thing that's bothering me is that after all that, at the end of the night he tried to have sex, told him I wasn't in the mood, I mean, ok, you don't think is fair for you to be in a relationship with me if I have baggage, but is it fair to me to have to settle for less that I want while you still get your way?
I hate dating...
I've been going out with a guy for abouth two months now, but so far there hadn't been any talk about defining the relationship and it was making me uncomfortable because I'm not so open minded to have an open relationship, I'm cheesy and I like to be called "girlfriend" and that sort of thing.
Last night I brought up the subject and he asked me if I wanted to be in a more serious relationship and I said yes, he then told me how much he likes me but he feels I'm still carrying a lot of baggage and that is not fair for him because I'm asking him to be more serious and at the same time putting up a wall (that part I get), but all this comes from the fact that I'm very shy and it's hard for me to be around new people and I panic.
I know there's still thing I need to deal with from the abuse in my past and I thought I was doing that already, according to him I'm not, but I've always been shy, is that such a terrible thing? Is not that I love it but at this point in my life I thought it was just the way I am, it takes me time to open up and trust people.
And the thing that's bothering me is that after all that, at the end of the night he tried to have sex, told him I wasn't in the mood, I mean, ok, you don't think is fair for you to be in a relationship with me if I have baggage, but is it fair to me to have to settle for less that I want while you still get your way?
I hate dating...
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Maybe you are putting up more of a wall than you think. Sometimes, we don't know how the things we have going on internally are coming across to other people. So in that sense, I think maybe he's giving you some valuable information about how you're perceived by others. On the other hand, he loses complete credibility by then asking you for sex. My gut reaction is that he's really not interested in being serious and is using your shyness or past issues as an excuse.
I would work on the things you think are holding you back, but I would do it for yourself, and independent of his opinion of you.
Sex aside - you asked him a direct question and he gave you a direct answer. You know what you want and he knows what he wants.
I think this is good beginning to a relationship. Whether or not it can survive will be tested by how well you two are willing to negotiate.
I don't know what exact manifestations of " baggage" you have, but if you want to some to give, you need to first of all learn to accept and also give back in a good sense of that word.
What do you think ?
For what I understood, is that inherent lack of trust he's talking about when he speaks of my baggage.
I do understand that you wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone who has unresolved issues (but at the same time, don't we all have some?) however, I'd expect to pause the friendship with benefits (because apparently it was just that) while I work on fixing that, and the fact that he wanted sex anyways felt like a red flag.
I appreciate that he answered directly, altough it does feel a bit like an excuse to not admit that he doesn't want a serious relationship.
I'm also not sure how to deal with the past, I've tried therapy before, I tried anxiety meds, exercise and what not and apparently nothing works :/
Idk how to come to it. Most of the most important people in my life disappointed and even devastated me, but I have no fear of having happen again, maybe because I m confident in my survival skills, I know that no one and nothing can take me down unless I let myself fall and because I literally have nothing to lose.
What scares you the most about letting someone close again?
You have a job and you have a place to live. As long as you are standing on your own two feet, no one can take it from you.
Yes, there were times when I went to therapy and took meds to get through whatever I had to get through, but I also know that life is a zebra. It sucks now, but it will be better later, then it will suck again. You can always let it ride out and the cycle will repeat.
I know you are not me and you had different misfortunes, but most people follow similar paths of heartbreak and happiness.
You dont need more mind fucking shit since you have had enough abuse in the past. Where is your fire within??? You have to keep it ablaze, keep it WILD and RAMPANT!!!
Spit on this shyness, throw it away. NO SHYNESS WHEN HE IS ARROGANT ENOUGH TO EXPECT SEX WITHOUT COMMITMENT>. When shit like that happens, the FIRE needs to be activated and you need to jump into ACTION mode. Tunnel vision, pure hatred ablaze.
You are wasting your time being polite.... MEANWHILE he is just interested in getting his dick wet.
If a guy truly is interested in you, they will desire to make you their girl. Men can become territorial and will want to settle your ass down before anyone else snags you away.
I personally would not want to commit to someone with trust issues but I would be OK to be their companion.
I don't want to dedicate my life to someone with whom I would need to walk on eggshells and worry that they will change their mind or withhold their true self from me.
It is not fair. I give it all and expect the same in return. We all get hurt, but I m not the one that hurt that person and that person did not hurt me.
I definitely don't want a posessive guy that only wants to be my boyfriend to mark his territory but because he wants to be with me in a more serious way, that being said, I'm still stuck at that part, I think everything he said was valid, but the sex thing makes me doubt his intentions.
Aronia, I guess maybe I've been more concerned about what I've gone through instead of the fact that I'm strong enough to start all over again. What scares me? not knowing when I'm with the wrong person again, ignore the red flags and end up with the same kind of guy.
Maybe I just need to be honest with myself, he can't have a relationship with me (for whatever reason, my baggage or his lack of commitment) and that's ok, I have to respect that, but at this point having developed feelings for him I cannot have a casual relationship either, and that's ok too.
Has he had serious relationships in the past? What's his history?
If he kinda hops around from woman to woman than it is probably his issue with commitment.
If you must know, I am in a committed, mostly happy, monogamous relationship and engaged. Obviously, I know what I'm doing and my standards are just fine.
Anyway.... Replying to Aronia, I learned recently that he was in a relationship until like 7 months ago, I know I have trust issues but also think he's projecting some of those unresolved issues onto me, now I just remembered one time we were in my car and he literally ducked when he saw his ex...
Foundlove, yeah, I think that's best. I have been working on myself , there's still work to do and now I know that there's no need to see everyone as an enemy, but at the same time I won't settle for less that I want.
Hurt usually applies to value we attach to something. Is other friends-with-benefits guy just emotionless, mechanical lust that serves its purpose when you're horny? I'm trying to understand your value system.
With regards to being afraid of getting hurt, life hurts sometimes. Accept pain as part of life and pain will have no more fear control over you.