Regarding the smoking weed. You said you are in an apartment. Tell him they sent out notices that effective October 1, there is No Smoking allowed inside the apartment units. Not weed, not cigarettes. Lie, if you have to. Say it's new management. That they will evict all of you if he gets caught. These No Smoking policy changes really do happen all the time in apartment buildings. You can say it takes effect October 1. Hopefully this stops him from smoking inside your apartment at all. You should not have to be around that if you don't want to, and certainly not to have drugs around your children.

As far as the co-dependency, I am sure others will have more advice below, but have you had any therapy for this?

We have a friend who lives in our apartment building that smokes as well. He would squash that right away about the apartment not allowing smoking. It wouldn’t help anyway cause there isn’t suppose to be smoking anyway in the building of any kind and he has never cared before.

I have been in therapy for 4 years now almost weekly and I have not gotten better at all with my codependency. I even switched therapists and I’m still dealing with my past trauma issues. Today I literally sat on the floor in tears feeling anxious and almost out of control after our argument. I get where I fear losing him so bad that I’ll do anything to get his approval and he knows it. I’m the lowest I’ve been in my life ever. I barely even sleep anymore and when I’m away at work, I worry constantly he’s going to leave and I’ll have to face that pain that triggers my abandonment issues from childhood. My issues run so deep and no one has been able to help me. I don’t really have anyone to go to anymore. There’s a point where people are tired of hearing about it and choose not be around me anymore. I’m not sure what to do. I feel I’m really trying.

But don't you feel kind of alone already?

I think the key is to be your own best friend, first. Would you let your best friend be treated this way? Would you tell her that this sounds like a great relationship, or would you tell her to get away from this situation?

The thing about therapy (and I am in therapy for anxiety), is that once the session is over, we have to do the work until the next session. That just talking for one hour a week isn't going to fix anything in our lives. That we need to apply what the therapist said to our daily lives. It's like homework. Oh believe me, I had to learn this, too. I thought just talking to a therapist about my anxiety once or twice a week was good enough. But, it wasn't. I had to do the work on the other 6 days of the week. You can do it, too. Take what they tell you and apply it to your daily life. Have goals and dreams for yourself. Write them down. Look at it often. You know you don't want to continue being treated this way, and that is the first step. You have awareness. Next, is to work on yourself (through therapy, self help books. etc) and to want better for yourself and for your children (who are witnessing all of this and watching their mother being treated so poorly, which will give them a bad view of what relationships should look like for their futures).

You are worth it! Your kids are worth it. You have to believe this about yourself, too.

And also, if you really really want to put an end to him smoking anything inside your apartment, then send in an anonymous "complaint" against your apartment unit number to your manager. Your boyfriend won't know you did it.

I say this as someone who smokes weed; he is being disrespectful and you deserve better.

When someone does not respect your boundaries they do not respect YOU. And you deserve someone who respects you. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure and happy and comfortable with saying "no". A person who truly cares for you will want to know when they are crossing boundaries. They will want to know because they will care about making you comfortable.

Why are you staying? Are you afraid of loneliness? Because you already seem to be quite alone. At least if you are single you will have freedom and space to heal. I once hung onto a man who treated me like yours does. The pain of leaving was very difficult, but in the long run it was nothing compared to the pain of staying with someone who did not value me.

I feel like until you separate from him you are preventing yourself from getting better.

Therapy does work. Not all therapists are great, and sometimes it takes finding the right therapist/therapy but generally it works… when we totally commit and do what’s required to be well.

Emotional pain won’t kill us. It’s sad and scary and hard and all these uncomfortable things. It hurts deeply. And yet we carry on and stay standing. See the big picture; see beyond the pain and how happy you could be as you start healing.

You are allowing him to smoke weed in your apartment where your kids live. This is the heart of the issue. He has no respect for you or for rules. He does what he wants to do, has no empathy for you, has no remorse, and blames you for being wrong. You say the relationship is hanging by a thread. So cut that thread. Why do you allow him to abuse you and disrespect you? This is the heart. of the matter. And his behavior is teaching your children some bad things. Such as smoking week is acceptable and that disrespecting mom and her rules is acceptable. Your kids do know what is going on. There are no secrets in families.

Does he live in your apartment? If no, then don't allow him to come over or spend the night. It is really simple. Your compromising on the smoking weed in your apartment which you dislike shows him that he can run you over and do what he wants. This type of human being is looking for another human they can abuse and use. Do you really need this in your life to be happy?

Good luck on this.

Oh, and the silent treatment stuff is manipulation and control and emotional abuse. So you are dating or living with a person who emotionally abuses you. You are afraid of him and this is really sad. He knows this and he uses you because he can. I write this from having been married to a guy who knew I was weak and he could emotionally abuse and disrespect me. He won't change. You can change.

If he smokes weed constantly then he has at the very least a dependency on it and so I imagine that would be a big problem for both of you

I don't know that he would see this as, as big of an issue of 'telling him what to do' if he didn't have a weed dependency

It doesn't sound like he's willing to change his 'weed habits' so you're going to have to decide what you want to do

I would be really careful about this... I saw a show a while ago where a kid went to school and the child's clothes smelled like weed and CPS was called

Nar Anon might be a really good support for you....I don't know if in person groups are available right now due to Covid but there may be online groups?

I wish you well.... Big hug.....xo

He needs to respect your boundaries and realize that smokingbweed around kids is not for them at all.

Seems like he's very disrespectful to you and selfish where it's about what he wants and when he wants it.Silent treatment I would never put up with my husband doing that to me and I wouldn't do it to him.

I smoke cigarettes I go outside of my house and smoke or I might go in my garage and I don't smoke in my car 1 because I don't want my kids around second hand smoke and my husband has never smoked in his life and besides dirties everything.

Good luck

I am so sorry you are going through this. Relationships can be very hard, and your boyfriend is putting you in a bad position. As a mom, keeping your kids safe is the first priority. It's not healthy to have someone smoking weed in the same home with them. I'm sorry that you are scared to talk to him. He's not respecting your boundaries, and that's a major problem. I know you have some hard days ahead but we are here for you anytime you need to vent. Hugs to you.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I just woke up and it’s 11pm to a very pissed off boyfriend. He is all pissy and is complaining about only being able to smoke in the bathroom. He literally is throwing a temper tantrum and ran out of the apartment. I just woke up to use the damn bathroom and he is treating me like this over weed!? The bathroom is 5 steps from his computer chair where he wants to smoke. This is so ridiculous! I have to work early in the morning and so never get rest because of him. He complains and complains like a baby! I’m a single mom if 4 kids. My ex husband just got sentenced to 5 years in prisons and I am the sole provider of the kids and work full time. Then this guy who barely pays me to be here is going to fucking complain over not being able to smoke weed inside? Like the whole world is going to fall apart when here I am struggling to take care of my kids, this guy is acting like a baby!
Sorry, I’m just do defeated! So tired of mistreating me but being too scared to end things. Like my codependency is so strong!

Thanks for all the advice and support everyone! Last night was bad, yet again. I was happy to finally go to bed early enough where I could get 8 hours of sleep. Went to bed at 9:00 and woke up at 11:00 to my boyfriend pissed off at he because all he wants to do is smoke in the bedroom while he is playing video games. I being just woken have no idea what’s going on. Then he literally rubs out of the apartment all upset leaving me so confused and anxious. I’m laying there in tears after being chewed out for not jetting him smoke. He can in our bathroom that’s literally right next to his computer.
I then just Kay there panicked not knowing what to do feeling very victimized caused I did nothing wrong just sleeping. He comes back all apologetic and says things are ok but they aren’t. I lay there for 3 hours till 2:00 just feeling like sine one crapped on me. On top of that, he has his headphones and microphone on, talking loudly playing video games. So I couldn’t sleep if I tried.
So I go over to him, literally afraid to talk to him. I was afraid he would get mad that he can’t even ppl at his games like he likes and use that again to attack me. SoI told him and I felt so pathetic saying “please don’t be mad at me, “. I’m am and always have been afraid to talk to I’m about his behaviors that affect me cause he reacts harshly. He didn’t get mad and just gamed while texting instead but I just have a strong feeling he is playing with my emotions to break me and give in. I basically did at one point and said fine! So 3 hours later I get up to go to work. I haven’t slept good in months and I am so anxious about things between him and I. I just can’t handle this anymore. I am questioning now if he really even loves me.

Look back on your other posts and reread this post. Is this someone who acts with love towards you and for you?

I’m not saying this to hurt you but as the song goes: What’s love got to do with it? Love doesn’t mean anything when there is no respect and a completed disregard for the other person. This isn’t about smoking weed in the house. It’s about you thinking all you deserve is this turd of a human being.

Love yourself more than you need him to love you. You can never go wrong that way.

An addict will do anything to ease their addiction. The addiction comes first.

I learned in Al Anon that we didn't cause it and we can't fix it. You have to detach with love from his behaviors.

So it sounds like he is living there. Now you have to get him out and that will take a lot of self value and strength. I don't know how old your kids are but addicts like to find other addicts and he may be encouraging the kids to smoke weed with him. They see him doing it anyway. They smell it. You may need to contact a legal aid society for legal help in getting him out since he is living there. I wish you the best.

We had broke. Up before and he moved out 3 times. This last time was supposed to be for a few months cause he needed a place to stay to save money for his own place. Was living with his sister. I need the money he was going to give me and I also needed him for emotional support because the kids and I were going through something traumatic. I needed him to help me but this has been not helping me at all.
I keep thinking if I’m being unreasonable or I’m at fault. He doesn’t smoke in front of the kids and it’s always in the main bedroom bathroom except recently. I feel like he’s messing with my head or something. It’s like I don’t know if he’s mentally abusing me or it’s just me. I’m so confused. This has been going on for years!