Couples therapy? Also you say you have let this go on for ages, but you have only been with him for 3 years. He has had been like this before you I am sure. This is not your issue, this is his. I know this as I get like that as well. Not as low as him and I don't smoke, but I do have my down times. I am in one now. So he needs to accept help and understand it is for the best for both of you and that you are not blaming him or saying it is just him. Therapy would be best as you will have an unbiased person who can try and keep things balanced and express what each of you feel towards the other.

Good luck.

LL, you're right, it's only been three years. I say "ages", mostly because that has always been my particular relationship pattern, the Enabler!...I need a cape or something :)

I've been working on this with a counselor for a while and she is encouraging me to try an get him into couple's therapy.

I'm trying to figure out the "perfect time" (dumb, I know) to bring this up, and the right words to say to convince him that it will be ok. But another day passes and I haven't done it. I'm scared and that is stopping me.

I feel like a child "I don't want him to be mad at me!"

I just need to do it, but so far, courage has failed me.

It would be difficult to find the right time and words to say, to garner a positive response from him, because anyone in his situation is going to think therapy or couples counselling is a serious word, and might sink further away. Does your therapist have any ideas of how to approach it, if she thinks couples counselling will help?

What I've learned is that when someone is not in a good mood, it's practically impossible to get them to see the light, because they're steeped in darkness, and the light hurts their eyes.

What I've done in the past, and do now, is to use light humour to reference what I'd otherwise like to say straight out. I wait for the right moment to make a funny or sarcastic remark without singling them out by saying, "it's what people do when..." or "everyone's like that."

Enough of these and my spouse eventually gets it and I think sort of appreciates that I didn't have to tiptoe around him, because he knows when I do it (the caped can-enabler), or get huffy about it, as I used to do, and makes it easier for him to digest and actualize what I'm trying to convey.

It's only when people can see the effects of something, are they willing to try it on for size themselves.

Counselling is a big word for someone who is not on the same page, who willfully wants to attend for their benefit. It would be more like taking him to the dentist to pull out a tooth, so the hoped-for results may not match your intentions.

I'd consider finding ways, like I've mentioned, to capture the right attitude, and arm yourself with the right things to say to make him see the light, before immersing or possibly forcing him into couples counselling.

Big hug for you MissS

Everything that you mentioned can be part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... Which is a very serious disorder and needs very specialized treatment

Is he in treatment for this??.. It can take a long time and sometimes it continues however people with the disorder learn some coping skills in order to help them

Therapy is the main treatment with a therapist who understands PTSD and can treat trauma

There are other things like medication, meditation, mindfulness etc that can help with the process

It's would be hard to cope with however if he's treated it can help a great deal and also perhaps help with communication

Symptoms of PTSD

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20022540

Just leave. Clearly this is not a "working relationship". If it WERE, he'd feel confident to open-up and communicate with you. From the sounds of it, there are two co-dependent people who are living their lives like things: like a pair of mismatched dining room chairs. Just pack up and leave! Do yourself a favor: live your life.

I think you have to talk to him about these things only when he's not in that dark space.

My husband is moody and gets in funks, plus he's stubborn and unreasonable sometimes. A lot of it is because his diabetes affects his moods. I have been with him for 16 years and what took me a LONG time to learn is that timing is everything. Trying to talk to him about my feelings when he's in one of those states never goes well. He is not in a position to even hear me or accept what I'm saying, and then I end up getting defensive, taking everything personally and not handling my own self very well. So I try to just go about my business when he's like that, keeping it light, and reminding myself, what he's going through and how he's handling it is really not about me nor is it my stuff to fix. I can't fix him or it. I can only manage myself and how I react.

Once I sort of accepted that, it took a tremendous amount of pressure off myself. Once he starts coming around after one of his moods, then I find time where we were both in a good place to talk about things. And that's when he's receptive and hearing me. So really, me changing my approach has actually been a catalyst for him changing. He still gets moody and dark, but it doesn't last as long, he's quicker to apologize when he does, he's able to see more how his behavior affects me and I truly feel like I understand him better. I also feel a bit like I can take better care of myself now when he does get like that, so I don't feel so wounded by it. So in a way, we've recognized each other's vulnerabilities and try to not step on them too hard. Its not perfect. But I feel so much calmer when we do go through these low points.

In the end, relationships and people are freakin' complicated. Understanding where each other is coming from and why you each do what you do helps. It sounds like you get him and understand why he acts this way. I think that's precious information to have in a relationship. Hard to walk away when you see your partner vulnerable, knowing how hard it must be for them to be in that state as well. The key is just not making your happiness and emotional well being dependent on their happiness and wellbeing.