I think you summed it up well for yourself, Sunny :
It seems that both of your parents set you up for failure by not letting your develop your own decision making.
Your father pushed you too hard and your mother dos not teach you how to resist. Of course, they didn't do it intentionally, but the damage is done.
The good thing is that you are realizing it... Judging from my mistakes, I say " no" way too late. Maybe it needs to be said exactly when you get the feeling that something is wrong.

I think that learning how to tell people to stop, or how to say "no" to them is a skill.

In today's world where so many kids are told "not to talk to strangers", kids don't get much of a chance to practice it.

I've done the opposite. I've told my kids to talk to strangers everywhere we've ever gone from the time they could talk. They'd have to take the book back up to the librarian to return it, ask a worker at the grocery store where an item was, and answer the phone.

They'd also have to tell the teachers at school that I'm not signing anything (yup...teachers are "strangers" too!).

Learning how to say "no" without being offensive is Definitely a SKILL. My kids weren't always comfortable at first, so I'd stand in the background. And at times they were rather weak, or overly strong. That's okay...better to learn at age 10 and have someone offended then, than at 20 or 30 years old.



I'd say, start practicing. Say no to all people who call for money. Tell them that you only give to select charities and only in written form. Learn to get adamant. Or make a list of three things that you absolutely do not want. And practice sticking by them.



As for someone making dinner on the second date...send them over to my house. I'm okay with that. I'm not promising that my kids or I will eat it, but I'll give it a taste.

In answer to your line.. " I'm never sure what is appropriate and what isn't"

Take yourself out of the equation and insert a beloved friend or family member.

Would you want that for them? If the answer is "NO" Don't want it for yourself either!

Easy Peasy if you ask me.

Must be where the came up with the saying.. " Be Your Own Best Friend"



and patti... I agree with you. Talking to strangers while in a safe environment,( like the grocery store with me) was always encouraged by me.
How silly for parents to teach their children to fear sweet old ladies at Albertsons that statistically don't pose a threat at all! Sheesh.

I agree with both approaches, to remove yourself from the equation and look at it through the lens of what you'd want for your daughter, or for a friend. Everything looks different when you do that. And, yes, PRACTICE! Sounds so silly right, but I think with a lot of behavior, it comes down to either it just being a habit or just not having done it a lot. So practice first in really benign situations, like where there's no emotional connection. I like the idea of starting with solicitors. In fact you don't even have to tell them why you don't want to give them money, sign up for their services, etc. Just say "No thank you; I'm not interested" and end it there. It's not rude. It's direct.

Start small and you'll not only figure out how to do it but you're confidence will start increasing. Takes time. I think it's great you're trying to work through it. Self awareness is not easy, so give yourself some credit for that.

Omg, girls.. I finally did something right.. Maybe I suck at relationships, but I sure taught my daughter to do it right.
This week my daughter got asked out by a boy who has been asking all the girls out on dates and instead of being flattered, she told him off.

Thats really helpful, thanks everyone.

I am really focussed on learning how to be healthy and looking forward to having healthy relationships in the future - not just romantic ones!!!

I feel a bit sad that I have spent so many years with unhealthy people, I accepted their behaviour not really understanding what was a red flag and what wasn't - but I am getting there! Never too old to learn!

There's a great quote in the movie The Natural, where Glenn Close's character says, I believe we have two lives... the life we learn with and the life we live after that."

I think about that when I think of the past and have pain or regret about things. I just try to keep learning from things that happened in the past to try to be whole now.

And Aronia, good for your daughter to say, thanks but no thanks. That's knowing your value. And hopefully, that experience stays with that boy too.

The answer is: Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and fight with the people in your life! Say "back off, you're suffocating me" or "let me make this decision for myself"! Life is a series of negotiations!

I have to fight even with my own family sometimes, my parents and at least one of my sisters, when they're proposing something I don't want to do or criticizing something I'm doing or some opinion I have.

Good news is: You can fight (argue) ASSERTIVELY, without being aggressive, bringing anger into it, by being so specific and explicit in your critical thinking that the other person realizes you're right, and quite naturally backs down. Arm yourself with information.

If the other person continues to insist on being belligerant just for the sheer thrill and ego trip of overpowering you, they have no business being in your life, and yes, this includes family.

Koolman, thanks for that.

This guy messes with my head, I give him way too much headspace.
This weekend has been another roller coaster of him promising me something, then taking it away as I didn't do it in the way he approved of. Can't believe I fell for it again!
I have just started my business and he said he would pay for an ad. He then asked me to prepare two ads for me to look at. This took me about 3 hours. Then he said nope I don't approve of either of them ( he gave me set criteria first which I felt I met) so I am not paying, it made me so cross that I allowed that process to even happen!
Lesson learnt. Butt out of my business !

Then all weekend he was 'helping' me in the kitchen clear up after dinner ( thats progress) and he is a very clumsy person who doesn't seem to know where his limbs are so kept knocking me. I tutted. He said its like walking on eggshells with you. This of course triggered me into thinking is it me? ( being a title of a famous book about emotional abuse etc?!) I second guess myself all the time, am I the abusive one?
siiiighhhhhh..

He sure has you brain washed.

NO, you are not the abusive one.

This person you mention, I hate to say, is probably the worst personality type you can be with, in order to regain your self-worth, and be able to set healthy, sensible boundaries. You are anything but abusive, and when someone tells you so, it is because they are reflecting who they are onto you; it's textbook behaviour.

In my youth, I had very few boundaries, in hopes that I would be accepted and loved by others, so I'd just roll over and allow them to get their way, much to my demise. After some years in therapy, I discovered that I was allowing people to trample and bruise my self-esteem, and in essence, I was enabling them, because I was such a push-over and a walking target.

What I learned that helped me the most was the ability to say, "No." That, more than anything, helped me build my boundaries to a place where I could work on myself. I was amazed at how strong just one word could be. If I was in a good mood, it was, "No thank you." In little time, I discovered the strength within me, and that I was much happier alone, than in the company of an abusive personality.

I became an expert at seeing through people's claims and intentions, and their attempts to put me down in order to lift themselves up, because that's what abusers do. Nowadays, I can smell them a mile away, and all they have to do is look into my eyes, to see that there isn't a chance in hell, that they can penetrate me.

You seem like a wonderful and creative person, who can easily reach their potential, but you need to do this in a safe and inspiring environment. And this could mean eschewing people from your life, who don't lift you up and support you, and sometimes that includes family members. Creating a safe distance between yourself and them, is the strongest message you can send without uttering a single word, well except maybe, "No, I'm not able to."

I wish you well.

It didn't help that my teenage daughter added ' mum he's only trying to be helpful'

I have started this business so I can limit my time around him and so that I can create an income which will give me the independence I need to be able to support myself.

I have been training for two years to be able to do thistalk about pressure!!! But I am in my office now and busy working on my new direction, in the opposite direction of where he is!

I am happy to hear this, and you will do well and succeed in your new business venture. Your daughter was only reacting in the same manner that you have been, and by changing this, you'll be helping her see it as well.

I do understand that I will struggle to fully understand all this until I am away and can see clearly - but I keep trying!

Dang that was a good post Lenoire! ( # 11)