Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi, I originally wrote this under the "codependency" group but I think it may better apply here. I am new to this but I need all the support/help I can get. Me and my ex got back together after 8 months of no contact about 6 months ago. It has been very rough, we had our fights in the beginning (due to need of rebuilding trust mainly) but we were still positive. Unfortunately lately the arguments have been getting worse and worse and it seems the hope is just gone. I came to this group because our couples counselor has told me that she believes I am codependent.
We constantly (like 85 percent of our fights) argue about the same 2 subjects: him not inviting me around with him and his friends (when there are other girls present, I don't want to be around with just guys) and his friendship with a girl who was my friend initially but switched sides the last time we broke up (she also has not tried to mend anything and, in my opinion, continues to disrespect our relationship, although he says he doesn't believe that she does).
Regarding the friends situation: I have already explained to him that I don't think that he will cheat on me and that's not what any of this is about. To me its about respect and being in his life and circle (just as all his friends' girlfriends are). We have fought about this time and time again and he still doesn't invite me around (in the past 6 months he has invited me with them about 4 times) and every time it turns into this huge fight and then he ends up doing it anyway, then tells me after it wont happen again, and the does it again the next time. Just the other day I asked him why doesn't he follow thru with the stuff he says he will do and he said "I only do it to make you happy" but he said it in a really angry voice, like that's not good enough reason to do something.
This situation pretty much applies to the girl he is friends with as well. I have explained to him time and time again that I don't trust her and I don't want her in our lives. Even our couples counselor tells him that his relationship with this girl is "too intense" and that "she doesn't seem to respect the relationship". But he defends her ALL THE TIME! He doesn't think she did anything wrong and therefore makes it seem like I am being irrational and she is the victim in all this. We finally came to the "agreement" (and I say it like that because it did not come without weeks of fighting about it) that he would lessen his relationship with her; not hang out with her, keep convos short, etc. But the second she calls him for a favor there he is telling me he is going to do it because its "not a big deal" and therefore it "doesn't matter if your going to be upset about it".
Anyway these past two weeks have been just horrible. Then this last Friday he was being really mean and says he is going out with his friends (guys and girls, AND including Frankie) and that he does not want me to go. He said he was tired of fighting and didn't want me to come because he didn't want to fight that night. I told him we didn't have to fight, we have put stuff aside many times before and we have NEVER fought in front of his friends. We even saw our counselor that day and she tried to ask if he can compromise (agree to come home early or that I can meet up with him for an hour) and he just said NO. And I just lost it to be honest, I was very hurt. So he went anyway, and I pretty much didn't hear from him all weekend. Monday and today we barely spoke except for a good morning text.
I feel really lost and helpless.. It's like he shows absolutely no remorse for anything he does and I feel like our relationship is almost over again...
We constantly (like 85 percent of our fights) argue about the same 2 subjects: him not inviting me around with him and his friends (when there are other girls present, I don't want to be around with just guys) and his friendship with a girl who was my friend initially but switched sides the last time we broke up (she also has not tried to mend anything and, in my opinion, continues to disrespect our relationship, although he says he doesn't believe that she does).
Regarding the friends situation: I have already explained to him that I don't think that he will cheat on me and that's not what any of this is about. To me its about respect and being in his life and circle (just as all his friends' girlfriends are). We have fought about this time and time again and he still doesn't invite me around (in the past 6 months he has invited me with them about 4 times) and every time it turns into this huge fight and then he ends up doing it anyway, then tells me after it wont happen again, and the does it again the next time. Just the other day I asked him why doesn't he follow thru with the stuff he says he will do and he said "I only do it to make you happy" but he said it in a really angry voice, like that's not good enough reason to do something.
This situation pretty much applies to the girl he is friends with as well. I have explained to him time and time again that I don't trust her and I don't want her in our lives. Even our couples counselor tells him that his relationship with this girl is "too intense" and that "she doesn't seem to respect the relationship". But he defends her ALL THE TIME! He doesn't think she did anything wrong and therefore makes it seem like I am being irrational and she is the victim in all this. We finally came to the "agreement" (and I say it like that because it did not come without weeks of fighting about it) that he would lessen his relationship with her; not hang out with her, keep convos short, etc. But the second she calls him for a favor there he is telling me he is going to do it because its "not a big deal" and therefore it "doesn't matter if your going to be upset about it".
Anyway these past two weeks have been just horrible. Then this last Friday he was being really mean and says he is going out with his friends (guys and girls, AND including Frankie) and that he does not want me to go. He said he was tired of fighting and didn't want me to come because he didn't want to fight that night. I told him we didn't have to fight, we have put stuff aside many times before and we have NEVER fought in front of his friends. We even saw our counselor that day and she tried to ask if he can compromise (agree to come home early or that I can meet up with him for an hour) and he just said NO. And I just lost it to be honest, I was very hurt. So he went anyway, and I pretty much didn't hear from him all weekend. Monday and today we barely spoke except for a good morning text.
I feel really lost and helpless.. It's like he shows absolutely no remorse for anything he does and I feel like our relationship is almost over again...
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
I can't help but wonder what he does with his friends, that he doesn't want to include you. It's only natural to want to share, enjoy and experience things with your partner.
Codependence or not, is not the matter here, it's his inability to recognize and accept that having female friends, or any friends, where you're not invited to attend outings, is unacceptable on every level.
What are the ties that bind you, and what is it about him that you feel you need to have a relationship with him? He doesn't respect your wishes, acts in a selfish manner, has a close relationship (closer than yours by the sounds of it) with a female, and shows no remorse for anything he does. Seriously, with his attitude, why are you wanting to hold onto him?
Sometimes as people we have so much fear that we will hold on to someone who is no more support to us than that soccer ball was to Tom Hanks in the movie "Cast Away".. It's just the idea of having someone, when in reality we would be better off alone, at least then we could have a chance of meeting a REAL person.
Sometimes, we meet people where we are just not good together, and we stay way too long, sometimes because we've put so much effort in already, sweat and tears, that it feels like personal failure when it doesn't work out. It's not failure. It's deciding to take control of your happiness and sanity.
I know it can be hard to move on from a relationship, because we do have love for that person. However, sometimes you just have to stand back and look at the real positives versus the real negatives. Just because someone "can be" sweet, kind, whatever some of the time, that does not make it ok for them to treat use badly at other times. Sometimes we are in love with the person we know they "can be" or "could be, if only".
The trouble with that is, they may never change. And it isn't fair to expect them to: you deserve someone who will treat you well without you and your counselor having to tell him that he should. And you should not have to wait around on someone, waiting for the day he will change and start treating you better, that day may never come. It sounds like unfortunately this is a pretty set behavior on his part. He says he will change but his actions don't match. And on some level, he feels it is ok, because you guys do end up staying together. We do teach others how to treat us, even if we don't mean to.
Obviously, only you can decide when enough is enough. However, I personally would be done with him. You are right in your concerns: your partner should want to include you in outings, especially when it's with other couples. Your partner shouldn't have another relationship with someone who's feelings he values more than your own. And only you can decide how long you want to put up with this treatment.
You absolutely deserve someone who wants to show you off, who takes your feelings into consideration, etc. It sounds like he has had time to do this, but instead he just says the words you want to hear but shows you with his actions that he isn't going to change. I would encourage you to think about setting some boundaries in your mind, such as how long you are going to continue to try if he doesn't show some real changes. I don't mean to threaten him, or even to tell him. But just to think in your mind, realistically, how long you want to give this if nothing really changes consistently for the better. You do deserve much more than he is giving you.
Thank you for your amazing responses.
Lenoire, The breakup was a not a mutual agreement, he ended it with me and he said it was due to "all the arguing". I bumped into his dad randomly one day and he insisted that his son was still in love with me and regretted what he did but was just to stubborn (and I think scared) to reach out to me on his own. Shortly after that he messaged me if we can meet for a drink and I said yes and after a few times we had a huge discussion on night were he poured his heart out (which he has never done before) and told me how he regretted everything and before you knew it we were back to this again...
I am glad I am not crazy (like he tries to make me seem) and other people see a problem with this as well.
The things that bind me to this relationship are the person he was to me and is currently to his friends. He is a very giving person and will defend and protect his friends without a thought. He has goals, a good job, a great sense of humor, and when we are good (although very rare), I couldn't be happier. He does very sweet little jesters for me and can be thoughtful (but only when we are good and again very rarely). I look back sometimes and think we should have just been friends. I tell him sometimes that I would love for him to treat me the way he does his friends...
ShastaSue, That may very well be the reason at this point, although it wasn't always like this, and he says that it has become like this because he is frustrated from all the arguing (basically trying to blame it all on me). I am scared, and that's where my Codependency issues come into play which I am working on at the same time..
Rmb, That could very well be the reason why I am still in this. I don't want to feel like there was more I could have done and I failed. I am scared that I will regret leaving sometimes, and scared of what everyone around me will think to be honest
Happymama2j,
" Just because someone "can be" sweet, kind, whatever some of the time, that does not make it ok for them to treat use badly at other times. Sometimes we are in love with the person we know they "can be" or "could be, if only".
I find myself justifying this relationship because of the few times that he is good to me, and when he is bad he makes it seem like its my fault so I some how justify this too... Everything going on in my life (including these posts) are truly making me reevaluate this relationship. I agree with everything you say but yet I stay in a relationship that goes against it.. why? Because he makes me feel like what I want is over the top, irrational, and ridiculous, like I will never find anyone that will be able to give that to me (no he has never said that before, but he makes it seem that way with other things he says). The other day when I was telling him that I was, again, really uncomfortable with the realtionship of him and this girl, he literally laughed at me (the apologized for doing so) but still what is that supposed to make me feel?
CaliRN13, No we are not married, we lived together the first time we were together but this time I was scared to do that again and get kicked out with almost no were to go like the last time. We were together for a year and a half the first time, didn't talk for 8 months (not even run into each other) and no have been doing this again for 6 months.
And he doesn't value you.
"Love" isn't enough. Great sex isn't enough. It's a combination of feeling, AND doing, AND time.
Remove yourself from this toxic situation, and anyone else that is involved in it, as in mutual friends, etc., and in a year's time you will be able to look back and truly see it for what it is.
I wish you well my dear.
He seems to want to see you some of the time and go out with other people other times... Maybe he's not ready for commitment
I don't think there is anything wrong with having good friends of the opposite sex... I have always had a couple of very good male friends and I would never give them up however if I had a SO I would hope that he to could come to be a good friend with them as well
I'm sorry you're hurting ... Big hug.....xo
After that, I realized that we learn a valuable lesson from our relationships about what we want and need in the next one. Each relationship gets you ready for the person who brings out the best in you naturally, not forcefully. And you will naturally bring out the best in that person. I dumped that guy (after 3 long year, it took a while for me) and within a week I was dating my husband. I knew what I was looking for and was not going to put up with anymore fighting and petty jealousies.
Granted our relationship is not without it's issues but we are able to work through them respectfully without blowing up every time and threatening each other.
I know the stage you are in is difficult. Just remember, you are worth it. You are only in control of your side of the relationship.
Best wishes.
Since I have posted this a few more things have come up, one being him "jokingly" talking about me respectfully to one of his "friends" (a girl he barely knew who was more a friend of a friend). When i tried to confront him about HE actually exploded on me because he said he was tired of me fighting with him (not even acknowledging what he did wrong). He "apologized" for what he did but only after I told him I feel like he owes me one, he also called me crazy and said I was "overreacting" about the joke.
Not to mention that he kind of lied to me and deleted text messages where he called me crazy to her and he doesn't think I know about them.
I was very upset and he actually ended it with me the next day because he said I don't trust him, he is tried of being miserable, and all the fighting (among other hurtful things).
I have told him previously that I did lose some trust for him and he said he understood and would work to regain it... He never really did, at least not consistently (although he feels he did but it was "never enough"). And now somehow its my fault that I don't trust him?
So glad I stuck through this to be broken up with by him, again....
I feel so hurt and so stupid, wish I would have never went back.