Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Yup it has happened again, another drama another morning crying.
I know it is early days in our marriage but I really need some advice and help on detaching from his antics.
They affect me so much and its his issues but they really hurt me.
He wants me to hurt though so he achieves his aim.
Last night he came home from work and I was sitting eating some cereal with my daughter ( yes it was night time but we weren't that hungry!) I had sent him a text saying think about what you would like for dinner and I will make it for you.
So in he comes sees us eating and gets angry - wheres mine? Have you made some for me? you selfish cow. I have been at work all day and you haven't even bothered to have any dinner ready for me. I said I was going to make you whatever you wanted as it is just you eating. What would you like Darling? But no he got angry, my daughter chipped in with ' why can't you make your own, its not the 50's' and he stormed off to the Kebab shop. I said I would cook for him, what did he fancy for dinner, no he said if you had wanted to do that you would have something ready. But I wanted to make you whatever you wanted I said.
He calmed down a bit later while we were watching TV and said he was sorry he was just tired.
Then later in bed he turned his back to me. And spent the night like that. I said of for gods sake whats the matter now? I thought we sorted all this out earlier. No he said, you haven't got the message yet.
I am just so upset, i tried to talk to him. I do think he was out of order to shout and call me names for not having his dinner ready but he said sorry and thats ok. I understand he was tired. But the rest of it in bed was just spiteful. He actually really wanted me to suffer and hurt.
So my question is, how do I cope with my feelings about this? I have said my piece to him and I still feel shaky and sick inside. I need to learn how to detach from his spiteful behaviour. Not very loving either is it.
Does he even know how to love, Im not sure.
I think I need to detach from his emotions and how I allow him to make me hurt.
xxx
I know it is early days in our marriage but I really need some advice and help on detaching from his antics.
They affect me so much and its his issues but they really hurt me.
He wants me to hurt though so he achieves his aim.
Last night he came home from work and I was sitting eating some cereal with my daughter ( yes it was night time but we weren't that hungry!) I had sent him a text saying think about what you would like for dinner and I will make it for you.
So in he comes sees us eating and gets angry - wheres mine? Have you made some for me? you selfish cow. I have been at work all day and you haven't even bothered to have any dinner ready for me. I said I was going to make you whatever you wanted as it is just you eating. What would you like Darling? But no he got angry, my daughter chipped in with ' why can't you make your own, its not the 50's' and he stormed off to the Kebab shop. I said I would cook for him, what did he fancy for dinner, no he said if you had wanted to do that you would have something ready. But I wanted to make you whatever you wanted I said.
He calmed down a bit later while we were watching TV and said he was sorry he was just tired.
Then later in bed he turned his back to me. And spent the night like that. I said of for gods sake whats the matter now? I thought we sorted all this out earlier. No he said, you haven't got the message yet.
I am just so upset, i tried to talk to him. I do think he was out of order to shout and call me names for not having his dinner ready but he said sorry and thats ok. I understand he was tired. But the rest of it in bed was just spiteful. He actually really wanted me to suffer and hurt.
So my question is, how do I cope with my feelings about this? I have said my piece to him and I still feel shaky and sick inside. I need to learn how to detach from his spiteful behaviour. Not very loving either is it.
Does he even know how to love, Im not sure.
I think I need to detach from his emotions and how I allow him to make me hurt.
xxx
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
When I was in your shoes, distance was my best friend. I did everything to create distance until i was able to leave.
Just a suggestion. Sending you a big hug.
After 13 years of living with a husband who in many ways behaves as a person with border line personally desorder, i would say that there is no way to addopt, desregard or emotionally detach. Life with that sort of people is a misery.
Keep in mind that no matter how good you are, relationships with emotionally sick people are dead end relationships. You won't be able to fix it, because emotionally sick people can not handle a stable and pleasant environment. ...those people angry and unhappy, they will always looking for someone to blaim. The mind of those people wired dufferently, everything in it is destorted.
My advice would be to fight back, ignore back, and stop pleasing him. If your husband is friquently like that, and you are really suffering, may be you should consider a devorce. Though, many women are trapped in those type of relationships for years as devorce is not a good option for everyone.
1. You do not have to have a job to devorce. Most likely he will be obligated to pay alimony....common, get some legal advice.
2. All assets usually devided by two, it does not matter how much did you earn.
3. Start writing things down in organized manner...in case you want to file based on emotional abuse.
4. He in general can not do a thing to you. If he ckicksc you out of bank account, cancell your credit card...he will end up in a big trouble if you will go to court. You r his dependant, i guess, he is responsible to pay your bills.
5. When you buy groceries, buy some gift cards you can use in a future, i guess he does not check receipts.
Sunny, You need to do Everything in your power to get away from this man.
You don't live in the USA do you?
There has to be some sort of programs where you live to help you.
Don't let your daughter grow up thinking that this is okay behavior.
We haven't been married long enough for me to get half. And he doesn't have any assets really as he has been married 3 times before and doesn't have anything left! We live in a rented house. The way the law is here I leave with what I came with.
I did talk to my daughter about what happened, she knows this is wrong, all my children hate him.
I felt my only chance of surviving when I leave is to build an income for myself before I leave. So i am training. My children live with their Dad officially as we have shared custody and he lives nearer the school he has official custody. But I have them or see them half the week. They don't live with us.
This morning he told me he forgives me.
I didn't react.
Then I find a letter on my desk with red writing scrawled across it in his hand-writing. It is a letter about payment for our holiday cottage we had booked. He wrote across it CANCELLED DUE TO YOU SPENDING ALL THE MONEY.
I asked him if this was true, the trip was cancelled and he said no I paid it. I just wanted to teach you a lesson about money.
I do try to go out everyday and study. He checks up on me as he now thinks I am having an affair.
So I need to keep my sanity and study and get some income so I can leave. Only a few months left to go.
Wow, just wow.
He says they deserved it as they were bad wives.
I didn't know about the cheating until we were married.
I have been married three times too so didn't think much of it particularly. First left me pregnant, second I left as we had no sex life and he had a serious anger problem too. Would smash up the house every few months., Husband 3 was a lovely man, but mentally ill and trying every so often to die.
I consider my 3 marriages to say about me that I have really bad judgement! clearly yes I have with my choice of number 4. I have been spending the last 2 nearly 3 years working on myself and getting healthy.
my mom has a co-worker who divorced her husband after 15 years of abuse. he left her hateful and belittling notes all of the time. she started saving them up 2 years prior to leaving him, it made a huge difference in her divorce case.
i am so sorry to hear you are going through this.
((HUGS))
You say you are simply biding time before you leave the marriage. Well, not giving two flips of a lambs tail about his 'attitude' is a great way to keep your sanity, keep the peace and begin the separation process.
If you don't give a flip about his whining, bitching and complaining,..then life will be much less dramatic. Not only that, you'll remember the peace and quiet of being alone again.
I'm trying to remember that you are asking a 'Healthy Relationship' group how to become 'detached from your husband'. LOL. So, I'm giving you the healthiest answer I can :)
But I understand you want to wait, so if you're going to stay for a while, I agree that documenting EVERYTHING is really important. This man is trying to ruin you while you are his wife and living with him so I imagine what he'll try to pull when you do leave. So, make copies of things, keep copies of your personal records so he can't find them, document in a calendar specific incidents, even if they seem irrelevant. In fact, if I were you, I'd consult with an attorney to get advice on the things you should be doing to protect yourself in the event of the divorce. Not saying you have to hire an attorney now, but consulting with one will give you information on how to plan for it, what your rights are, etc
It did seem odd to post here, I suppose I wanted to get advice to be healthy myself in this relationship.
I don't know how to think or feel, I think way too much. and it is stopping me from studying, the pressure of having to succeed is intense.
After being told we weren't going on holiday due to lack of money, he has now bought a new bicycle. Im guessing he is making a point about how he wants to spend his money.
Maybe it will give him a heart attack!
I don't want to live feeling like this, is it him or is it me? I think it is me and how I choose to feel so I was looking for advice on how to control how I feel about the things he does. I called it detaching.
He is an asshole.
Don't second guess yourself Sunny.
You cannot be healthy in a sick relationship.