Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Yup it has happened again, another drama another morning crying.
I know it is early days in our marriage but I really need some advice and help on detaching from his antics.
They affect me so much and its his issues but they really hurt me.
He wants me to hurt though so he achieves his aim.
Last night he came home from work and I was sitting eating some cereal with my daughter ( yes it was night time but we weren't that hungry!) I had sent him a text saying think about what you would like for dinner and I will make it for you.
So in he comes sees us eating and gets angry - wheres mine? Have you made some for me? you selfish cow. I have been at work all day and you haven't even bothered to have any dinner ready for me. I said I was going to make you whatever you wanted as it is just you eating. What would you like Darling? But no he got angry, my daughter chipped in with ' why can't you make your own, its not the 50's' and he stormed off to the Kebab shop. I said I would cook for him, what did he fancy for dinner, no he said if you had wanted to do that you would have something ready. But I wanted to make you whatever you wanted I said.
He calmed down a bit later while we were watching TV and said he was sorry he was just tired.
Then later in bed he turned his back to me. And spent the night like that. I said of for gods sake whats the matter now? I thought we sorted all this out earlier. No he said, you haven't got the message yet.
I am just so upset, i tried to talk to him. I do think he was out of order to shout and call me names for not having his dinner ready but he said sorry and thats ok. I understand he was tired. But the rest of it in bed was just spiteful. He actually really wanted me to suffer and hurt.
So my question is, how do I cope with my feelings about this? I have said my piece to him and I still feel shaky and sick inside. I need to learn how to detach from his spiteful behaviour. Not very loving either is it.
Does he even know how to love, Im not sure.
I think I need to detach from his emotions and how I allow him to make me hurt.
xxx
I know it is early days in our marriage but I really need some advice and help on detaching from his antics.
They affect me so much and its his issues but they really hurt me.
He wants me to hurt though so he achieves his aim.
Last night he came home from work and I was sitting eating some cereal with my daughter ( yes it was night time but we weren't that hungry!) I had sent him a text saying think about what you would like for dinner and I will make it for you.
So in he comes sees us eating and gets angry - wheres mine? Have you made some for me? you selfish cow. I have been at work all day and you haven't even bothered to have any dinner ready for me. I said I was going to make you whatever you wanted as it is just you eating. What would you like Darling? But no he got angry, my daughter chipped in with ' why can't you make your own, its not the 50's' and he stormed off to the Kebab shop. I said I would cook for him, what did he fancy for dinner, no he said if you had wanted to do that you would have something ready. But I wanted to make you whatever you wanted I said.
He calmed down a bit later while we were watching TV and said he was sorry he was just tired.
Then later in bed he turned his back to me. And spent the night like that. I said of for gods sake whats the matter now? I thought we sorted all this out earlier. No he said, you haven't got the message yet.
I am just so upset, i tried to talk to him. I do think he was out of order to shout and call me names for not having his dinner ready but he said sorry and thats ok. I understand he was tired. But the rest of it in bed was just spiteful. He actually really wanted me to suffer and hurt.
So my question is, how do I cope with my feelings about this? I have said my piece to him and I still feel shaky and sick inside. I need to learn how to detach from his spiteful behaviour. Not very loving either is it.
Does he even know how to love, Im not sure.
I think I need to detach from his emotions and how I allow him to make me hurt.
xxx
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
How is this better than divorce ?
I am close to just walking but then I am nor going to be able to finish my courses.
X
I feel like this guy has you so " scared" into that you can't do anything right without him. It is typical of abusers to make you feel like you cannot survive without them.
Aronia is spot on with asking if your goal is to "tolerate the abuse with flying colors".. cause that is what you will be doing.
No children together.
I am 48 he is 58
Before we married he did his share of everything. Got married and he turned into his dad.
I finish my training by the end of the year. He has been getting bitchy the closer I get to finishing. And more insecure. And nastier.
He stopped all my bank cards a few days ago without telling me, to teach me how much money is worth.
Siiiigh.
I understand wanting to detach because you feel like you can't leave at the moment and detachment would help you deal with him while you ride it out until you can't leave. But then you just sort of become dead inside when you do that and if that happens, you'll never have the wherewithal to leave. And you know, if he senses you're trying to just tolerate him, his antics may just continue to get worse.
He strikes me as a controlling, fearful little man-child. I really hope you put a plan in place to make a move. Talk to someone, for real. A therapist, a friend and just start laying the ground work to get out.
My exit strategy is to get qualified and get some work coming in. I am looking for a job too but again finding it harder to focus.
My health is a bit shite too, recently lost my hair, had too many attacks of Lamphinitis and IBS.
Just need to find a way to hang on.