I have slowly seen it starting to become a pattern. Now I dont expect a call out of nowhere (that is nice though once in a while), i just expect a call when he says he will call. He just isnt taking it seriously. Yes, he refuses to discuss the relationship and always puts it off. Its a promise in the moment that he has never acted on. What should I do?

How do I get him to listen to what I have to say? Everytime I want to talk he thinks I might dump him so his automatic response is I love you and we will make it work. I know he has that fear, but Im not breaking up with him, I just want a real conversation with him. We may not be seeing each other much, so would this be better over a phone call or video call?

Do you see each other on a regular basis?... If you do the next time you see him I would let him know that this really bothers you as you feel like you can't count on him

If he states his pat answer ask him if this is going to change because it might not be a problem for him however it is a problem for you.... Big hug......xo

What is there to discuss about the relationship? The reason I ask this is because women (in general) try to analyze everything so it has a label so they know what to do and what to expect. Guys (in general) take things more "seat of the pants". They don't have to know "where" the relationship is currently, what stage the relationship is at or where it is going. They just know if it is "good" or "not good".

You should know if the relationship is "good" by whether or not you enjoy being in it. Enjoy moment, don't try to figure it out. You guys are young, so enjoy the moment. You don't need to know where you will be in 5 years or in 6 months. It will either progress or stagnate. Tracking the movements of the relationship or putting it on a timeline will kill it.

I forget how long you have been together, but at some point, it becomes apparent that the relationship isn't meant to be. And it kinda "dies on the vine". It just means that you have been together long enough that you know the other person better and well enough to know whether or not they will be a good fit for you. Perhaps instead of trying to get your BF to change to your liking, maybe you should recognize that he may not be a good fit for you.

Or maybe you could enjoy what you have and go with it.

ETA: And remember; if you are within your "rights" to ask him to change and become more responsible, he is within his "rights" to ask you to change and loosen up.

I cant let his white lies go, so Ill try and talk to him next time I have a chance, and just let him know my feelings.

I just want to remind you that your bf is a very different person from you. Both of you may experience one event, but may have two entirely different interpretation of the event. He may not be very good at analyzing what is going on in the relationship. For him, perhaps everything IS fine. What bothers you, does not bother him, so there is nothing for him to talk about. He may love you sincerely and he sees no significant issues that bother him, so he may be content with where he is at. I think the best thing may be to take one specific thing that really hurts you in the relationship and bring it up. Try to speak honestly and gently. Be clear in what and how it hurts you and if he can't find a way to "fix" it, perhaps you can let him know how he may do/say differently. Don't jump to conclusion that he doesn't care... he just may not realize how important these things are to you.

I agree with you. Yes he refuses to discuss how seriously he takes the relationship, because honestly I think he is scared to. Both of us have been super busy with exams, so we are hopefully planning a time to have a long talk soon, and it will most likely take place over a video call since thats all we can get. I can do it sooner over the phone, but I think at least having some face to face would be best.

This is the same pattern my ex and I had in the beginning, middle and end of the relationship. Lies, avoidance of issues, inability to express feelings, denial of anything I felt was important, the whole 9 yards. I came to tolerate it until one day I couldn't. I finally realized I had been disrespected the entire time we were together. He minimized every concern I brought up, as your BF is doing.

I can only imagine how things with your BF will be in another 2, 5, 10, or 30 years down the road. Oh wait, I know - they'll be the same as they are now. Unless your BF can get serious about a real and full and honest relationship with you, you will always feel the ding of hurt. It gets worse with time.

As hard as that may have been to read you might have been right. Ive learned two things right now, one from AboundingJoy, that things might bother me (which logically they should) and not him. And from jojored that things might always stay this way. This really opened up my mind to what relationships are and what they could become. I don't want to shut the door on him just yet, ( not at all to be honest), when we have a conversation again, I will bring everything up and see what he says, and if he says he will do something, he better otherwise its just another lie, and Ill move on.

Thanks for the great advice everyone, I know its hard being in a relationship, because I need other people to give advice from the facts, where I would just be making conclusions out of emotions, if this is becoming a bad relationship then Ill get out of it, if I cant save it. Which I will put a lot of effort into saving.

Did I mention I think your BF might be passive aggressive? What makes me feel this is the way he indirectly stops the conversations you want to have. The "I love you" at inappropriate times. He's not able to be direct in his dealings with you.

When you do have your conversation, I think you would do well to ask him to speak directly and frankly to you. No more sideways distractions. To do anything less will be hurtful, confusing, and counter-productive to building a good relationship. You might let him know that you're strong enough to deal with whatever he's feeling, but that you need to be given the chance to prove it. Good luck.

Having good communication in a relationship is of utter importance, but I think we have to be very careful in what we expect and demand from our beloved. Not everyone is good at identifying or analyzing issues. Especially us women tend to excel in that area and expect men to sit down for a heart to heart, but a lot of men just can't do that. I'm sure there are bad guys who are deceitful and manipulative, but not all men are. I say this because I am married to a man who just cannot identify the root of our problems, or analyze issues. He doesn't see them and has a hard time understanding why I am so bothered. Men's brain is wired completely differently from ours so it's not fair to demand them to operate the way we do. However, lying, deceiving, unfaithfulness, etc cannot be excused, but must be confronted.

I agree with you on that, from my experience, even though he is still my first boyfriend. Do I see this relationship going all the way? yes I do at this moment, its been a great relationship so far. We will see what happens when we talk about it, thanks for the advice.