We talked. Sort of. I actually wrote him a couple page letter, handed it to him when he got inside the door from work, told him to read it and then left him alone. It basically said everything I felt that I couldn't get out because I started crying every time it did. I finished the letter by saying he could come talk to me about it when he was ready.

He came out of the bedroom (where he read it) and had a glass of water, went downstairs to shower, came up to change. Didn't even look at me. And then he came and sat with me on the couch and opened up more than he has in the last few years.

He confessed to going there with the intent to cheat. He confessed to thinking it would solve his problems. He also said that once he got there, he couldn't do it. He realized it wasn't right and it wasn't really what he wanted. He said he finished his beer and he left.

In the letter I asked him when exactly his happiness became so expensive? So much so that he was willing to pay the cost of our relationship, of our family, for it. He said he never thought about it that way. At that moment in time he didn't think about losing us, just about gaining a short bit of happiness.

I told him that I couldn't force him to cut off contact with her. I couldn't force him to do anything. That had to be his choice, but if he couldn't let go of her then he was letting go of me. He couldn't have both. He deleted her off his Facebook and we talked about how he would handle her at work because he HAS to deal with her occasionally.

He cried again, more then I did this time. He apologized a thousand times. He promised not to do it again. I told him if he did there was no second chance. If he ever does this again I will pack up our daughter and I will leave. I also told him if I EVER saw her that I couldn't promise I wouldn't throat punch her. Which poses a problem as his company hosts a lot of employee/family things. They host a kids christmas party, golf tournaments, steak dinners. And there is a good chance she and I will end up in the same place. Good thing...I have EXCELLENT control of my temper. I just think if she was to come talk to him I may let it loose on purpose :S.

I'm not really sure where we go from here. I guess half the work is figuring it out. We are going to try writing down everything we want to talk to each other about, from grievances to compliments, and then every Wednesday we are going to set an hour and a half aside where we just talk. Give nothing a chance to fester and remind each other what we love about each other. As well, he has informed me (all his choice) that he will text me on all of his breaks, and that he will always come directly home from work and if he has an errand to run he will wait until I'm off work so we can go together unless I tell him otherwise. He agreed to phone calls when either of us are out of town and he promised he would text me where he was going all this weekend.

It's hard to hand over that much trust after it was so swiftly destroyed. But I NEED to leave town this weekend for three days and I need to not constantly worry about him and whats going on.

Ugh! What a gut punch :( I'm so sorry you're going through this. A similar dynamic prompted my first divorce. "...if he couldn't let her go he was letting go of me." that's just what I told ex-hubby about 4 months before I filed. What you accept is what will continue.

Jolene.. Omg i am so sorry for this...:-(
I am not convinced he is telling the whole truth.
I ll tell you why it doesnt make sense to me - if the woman wanted to f.. Him and he rejected her, it is unlikely that she would send him flirty, cute messages after the incident.
When my husband " confessed" to what he was doing i didnt get all the details until a week later. He also told me that he went, but couldnt go through with it, he cried and said he would never do it again, then i learned in reality it has been going on for 16 months or more, and yes, he was having sex .
I feel like when they are faced with possibility of losing everything, they will lie out of fear.

Take some time to think about it... I would probably be totally nuts and go meet with the other woman. You have no idea what he was telling her about your relationship..

The bad news is that you are hurt, your trust is betrayed, but this maybe the opportunity for both of you to really bring things out in the open and start from scratch at some point and for him to finally step up and really marry you.
I divorced my h because he was having sex with men. There is no way i could " work through" it. You likely can work things out if you feel up to it at some point.
I know of some people who did well, i ve also worked things out with my current relationship to the point where i m comfortable and no longer give a crap about what happened, but some couples who stayed together are still dealing with infidelity from 3,5 year ago.
I think that it is a life of torture if this is not left behind.
It is going to be a really difficult time and i really feel for you.
Either way, you are going to be OK and all will be well.

I am worried I am setting myself up to be hurt again and even worse. But I thought about it and I'm not ready to throw in the towel over something that may or may not have happened. In the messages she keeps messaging him, but he is sluffing her off. She asks if he would be willing to give her a ride home from work for a week as her usual ride is gone and he basically tells her no, find someone else. But she doesn't really relent. She tells him to sneak out to see her and he says no again but in different words. I told him that if this is going to work he has to stop being diplomatic towards her and just flat out say no. In the last of the messages she is sending him messages and he is not responding for four or five and then sending one word answers. I think she doesn't get that she is being brushed off. She is young, no more then 21 I would guess, and she doesn't appear very smart. He and I have so much to work on, and it bothers me that I will never 100% know what happened....but I need to let it all go if I'm going to give our future on honest try. And he has ALOT of work ahead of him.

Ask her what happened.

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave quietstorm.

If he is serious he will give you his phone and let YOU take her calls ( or just ignore them) She doesn't need to have his phone number and if he needs a phone he can use your phone. He can then give all important contacts his new number and she won't have it.

If he balks at this idea. You know he still wants to talk to her.

they never had contact through the phone. Just Facebook and person to person. I have full access to his Facebook, he deleted her from it, and I can't control what happens at his work.

I don't want to meet with her. She's done enough damage to our relationship, she's already been in it more then I care for, so now she's out. Completley. Plus, she knew about me and still tried to have him over and what not, she's not above lying about what happened if she thinks it would break us up.

I am really not trying to be a smart ass here, I truly want to know.
Why do women always forgive the man and give him the benefit of the doubt, but not the other woman?

I have always been curious about that.

Yes what she did was very wrong, but in my mind what he did was worse. He knows you and has a commitment with you, yet he betrayed your trust.
So why does she get all the hate? I think it should go to him. Not her.

Can anyone explain that part to me?

Oh she doesn't! lol

He is very much in the dog house. Plus, I have nothing to work past with her. I plan on never seeing or hearing about her again. I can hate her as much as I want...no skin off her back...and it makes me feel better. She and I have never had nor ever will have any sort of relationship.

As for him. What he did was horribly wrong. I am very hurt and I am very mad at him. But the fact that I love him helps ease the anger and hurt just a smidge. And if I can't let go of what happened then there can't be a relationship. Once I decided to work on things holding on to the anger as if it was a life preserver is just dooming things from the get go.

He has a lot to make up for. It will take him years to get back the trust he lost in just a few moments time. It will take months and months for the tight feeling in my chest to go away. Weeks and weeks until I stop crying myself to sleep.

But hating him? Calling him names to his face and rubbing in his actions? Those are all just poisonous moves that will destroy any chance of fixing any of this.

Love isn't finding the perfect person, but finding an imperfect person you can love anyways. To me that sums it all up. He is imperfect, and he messed up horribly, but I still love him. And he deserves one chance. If this ever happens again we are done. But he messed up, he owned up to messing up, he is doing all that he can to start the repair process. Hating him wouldn't make me feel better and it wouldn't be fair.

Hope some of that helps.

I, too, am LMAO about the laxative cookies! First laugh I've had all day!

As for men cheating, I wonder how many faithful men there are left in this world. It's easy to blame the women, call them skanks, etc. but the man in a committed relationship can say NO if he has morals and ethics of his own. As the song said, "A woman can't take you anywhere you don't already know how to go...."

I don't know your man or this other woman, so it wouldn't be fair for me to speculate on whether he actually had sex with her, or was "emotionally unfaithful", denying to her that he loves you. Either way, it was despicable to sneak over there. There is a CHILD involved here. That's what makes it so sad and difficult.

I wish you the best in getting counseling and resolving this situation soon. I know it is tearing you apart inside.

@Jolene, thank you for the explanation. And I am glad you were not offended by my question. I was concerned it may come across wrong.
I truly hope the 2 of you can get thru this and that it makes your relationship stronger.

(hugs)

It is very evident you are getting played. The fact she keeps seeking attention from him shows this. If your fianc can't respect you enough to simply say, 'I'm sorry, I have a fiance and a child. I don't think it's appropriate to [give you a ride, talk about my underwear, chat you up on facebook],' then you are vastly underselling yourself. To say 'but I love him' is not a good enough reason for any relationship problem. It's putting on blinders. It sounds absolutely miserable for him to now account for his whereabouts practically minute by minute, and be in constant contact. And I mean miserable for you. Once you break the bond of trust, it takes ages to repair it, and it's not repaired by simply checking in every 10 minutes with a significant other. It's mostly time, and a huge amount of self-reflection.

Maybe he learned his lesson and will never do anything like this ever again. I really do hope that for you. If someone else was telling this story, though, I would have to think you wouldn't be inclined to believe that.

But I love him is the foundation of fixing ANY relationship problem. I actually found out from a friend who's hubby works with mine that this girl has done this before. I guess she has a habit of hounding married or taken men for attention. Still does not make it right. But it gives his "nothing happened" story a smidge more cred (Im still not 100% sold on it though). I was taken for granted and am taking steps to ensure Im not taken for granted in this relationship again. In the messages he SHOULD of said no...it was clear at the end she was too dense to take a polite brush off...so he should of been man enough to just cut her off at the knees. He didnt. I cant change that now..all I can do is make certain that he realizes if he doesnt become the man I deserve there is no more chances.

I disagree with you. Loving someone doesn't mean turning a blind eye to their lies. It doesn't even mean giving them a second chance after they've betrayed you. When the bond of trust is broken, the relationship is usually damaged beyond repair, regardless of how much you love someone. Can it be fixed? Sure, of course, sometimes. No person or relationship is perfect, and I don't know your boyfriend's intentions. But you came here for advice, and I feel the need to point out that it seems your subsequent posts have done nothing but make excuses for his behavior, or say you aren't happy with the way he's been handling it after the fact, but there's no consequence for it. You said he asked you if you wanted him to avoid her. It's very obvious to me that he wouldn't do anything about this situation on his own, and is seeing what minimal effort will pacify you, and he'll go with that.

I understand relationships are difficult, and I've had my share of difficulties along the way. There are two parts of the equation: 1) Will he do it (or something similar) again? and, 2) Regardless of #1, will you be able to trust/forgive him? Without both, the relationship fails. Usually the second part takes many moons to work on, and I'm always, ALWAYS wary of couples who decide right away to work past it. Your anger hasn't even settled yet. If I were you, I would've told him the consequences to his actions are you no longer have trust in him, and you need to evaluate whether or not you're capable of getting that trust back. He obviously has his own issues he should be working on, if he's sneaking over to some girl's house and having drinks or whatever else.

I'm not a man-hater by any means. But of all the problems that come up in relationships, lying/cheating is the most difficult to overcome. I really hope things work out for you, but I would advise you to wait to see if he is going to change before you decide whether to stay or go.