Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I don't know what to say here. I opened the new topic because I need to tell someone, talk to someone. But once this page was staring me in the face I suddenly didn't know what to type. It's like all my anger, hurt, devastation, self pity, loathing and pain got jammed up in my thoughts and feeling door and can't get out. It feels like typing it out just makes it hurt that much more.
My partner of eight and a half years, my fiancee for the past 6 (I know, long ass engagement), may of cheated on me. Not really knowing is almost worse then knowing for sure it happened. I found some messages, asking when he was coming over again, discussing how he could dodge me, telling him how cute he was in his batman swim trunks and asking about his underwear. It was more her then him, but he didn't exactly tell her to back off. And the when are you coming over AGAIN????
I woke him up and confronted him. He claimed nothing happened. He went there for a beer. He cried, he apologized, he said he never wanted to hurt me but he was unhappy for a while. He said he would delete and block her....but they work together. He asked if I wanted him to avoid her, I told him that was his call. He swore nothing physical ever happened. But how can I trust him???
I trusted nothing like this would ever happen either. Obviously it was misplaced trust. If I believe him am I doing it again? I have NEVER had a problem with him hanging out with girls. Some of his best friends are girls! He has always been able to tell me he was going to hang out with some of his female friends and I've never gotten upset. But he hides going to her house for one beer? Or at least, he says it was one beer.
I never snoop through his things either, never question where he goes, I never get suspicions. I booted up the computer to message a pal and since we have alot of the same pals...thus messages from the same people...it probably took me about two minutes to realize it wasn't my facebook. He uses the computer maybe twice a month and never stays logged on. I was going to log out when the message caught my eye. Why did I open it? He has been alluding to some great suprise he got me and I thought, since I didn't even recognize the name, maybe it had something to do with the suprise. Yea, I was snooping to find out what it was. But I got a different type of suprise in the end.
One I don't know how to deal with. Out of all the feelings I'm having right now there are a few that are stronger then the others. Betrayal is top of the list. I feel....used, stupid, weak. And I'm so angry. So so angry. I want to find her and beat the day lights out of her (I won't, I'm not that type of person) and I feel this deep rooted need to hurt him emotionally and deeply as he hurt me (again, I won't, it's not in my nature).
Where do I go from here? What do I do? Trust is something I don't hand out lightly. There are three people in this world I trust completely....that number is now 2. I'm so lost.
My partner of eight and a half years, my fiancee for the past 6 (I know, long ass engagement), may of cheated on me. Not really knowing is almost worse then knowing for sure it happened. I found some messages, asking when he was coming over again, discussing how he could dodge me, telling him how cute he was in his batman swim trunks and asking about his underwear. It was more her then him, but he didn't exactly tell her to back off. And the when are you coming over AGAIN????
I woke him up and confronted him. He claimed nothing happened. He went there for a beer. He cried, he apologized, he said he never wanted to hurt me but he was unhappy for a while. He said he would delete and block her....but they work together. He asked if I wanted him to avoid her, I told him that was his call. He swore nothing physical ever happened. But how can I trust him???
I trusted nothing like this would ever happen either. Obviously it was misplaced trust. If I believe him am I doing it again? I have NEVER had a problem with him hanging out with girls. Some of his best friends are girls! He has always been able to tell me he was going to hang out with some of his female friends and I've never gotten upset. But he hides going to her house for one beer? Or at least, he says it was one beer.
I never snoop through his things either, never question where he goes, I never get suspicions. I booted up the computer to message a pal and since we have alot of the same pals...thus messages from the same people...it probably took me about two minutes to realize it wasn't my facebook. He uses the computer maybe twice a month and never stays logged on. I was going to log out when the message caught my eye. Why did I open it? He has been alluding to some great suprise he got me and I thought, since I didn't even recognize the name, maybe it had something to do with the suprise. Yea, I was snooping to find out what it was. But I got a different type of suprise in the end.
One I don't know how to deal with. Out of all the feelings I'm having right now there are a few that are stronger then the others. Betrayal is top of the list. I feel....used, stupid, weak. And I'm so angry. So so angry. I want to find her and beat the day lights out of her (I won't, I'm not that type of person) and I feel this deep rooted need to hurt him emotionally and deeply as he hurt me (again, I won't, it's not in my nature).
Where do I go from here? What do I do? Trust is something I don't hand out lightly. There are three people in this world I trust completely....that number is now 2. I'm so lost.
Judging from the messages, i would have to assume that they did have sex. I would expect him to deny it, because cheaters rarely admit that they did it, even when they are caught.
The only real truth here is that " he has been unhappy for a while".
It is possible that your relationship hit a standstill and something has to be done about it..
I imagine you love the guy and want to he with him, but if you know what you know now, i do not recommend resuming your relationship as nothing ever happened, because he will do it again.
I worked through with things with a man who cheated on me.
IMO the best way to deal with it is to completely break it off and start clean at some point.
I say this for 2 reasons - 1. He needs to learn his lesson and face the consequences. He can NOT do this crap again. 2. Your trust is now ruined and betrayed. I think that you can not work through the loss and resentment and get closure well enough while the offender is living with you and is in your face.
I would give him the ring back and tell him to move out for a while so you can think about whether or not you want to continue with someone who did this. If he truly loves you, he will do everything he can to make it up to you. If you truly love him, you will forgive him and move on.
I think this is the only way.
I am so sorry this happened to you.. So sad
That is over the top! So she knows about you? She has agreed to deceive you?
If she works with him he must have used the old slowly start to complain about my woman to a female coworker routine. Many men use this to open lines of communication with women at work. The evil stupid women fall for it.
I am so sorry. I think it's a blessing in disguise that you found out. At least you know. You could contact her and tell her. "He says nothing happened between you" I would also ask her why she thinks so little of herself that she would want to sneak around with some a guy who lives with another woman. She must think she deserves to be a dirty secret. Not much self worth there. I can understand your anger towards her, but your real problem is with your man. He is the one who deserves all of your anger. she is just some desperado with no self respect. you should pity her.
The only advice I can give you is to conduct yourself with grace and dignity. practice extreme self care. Take your time in planning your next move. I can't advise you to leave him or to forgive him. That's your call because you know deep down if you can or not.
Hugs to you, Jolene!
With my 14 hour days and his 12 hour ones as of late we have both been exhausted and a little snippy. Both of us. I realized it about three weeks ago and have been going out of my way to make it better for him. Rubbing his shoulders, making his lunch, cooking his favorite meals for supper. Getting intimate. Regardless of how tired I am. When we talked he told me the last month has been so much more amazing and he has been so happy. But he talked to her all in the last month!
They don't work side by side. They can go weeks without seeing each other. He installs furnaces and pipes in house the build on a line and she inspects the completely finished product and calls people up for repairs where need be. They met when she called him up for a repair and then she friended him on facebook.
If I contact her I think she would tell me he had sex with her even if he didn't. She knew about me and his daughter and she still didn't care, so I doubt she is above lying about it.
If he is seriously sorry about what he did and he wants a relationship with you, the best way to get that declaration is with all parties present.
He is the player in this. you are the victim and the other woman is as I said before a desperado stupid person. Maybe she gets her kicks from having a committed guy choose her, maybe she is lonely and when he told her he was unhappy, she just thought she could make him happy, who knows.. Again, your man is the one who did you wrong. I understand having negative feelings toward this woman, but sadness is 100 percent your boyfriend's fault, not hers. I feel you should both confront him together to get the real story.
To many men rely on the natural competiveness of women. It must be great to have 2 women fighting over you. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. As women we try harder to make him happy, thinking he won't cheat, but in reality cheating is not about us, it's all about him and his desire to get some feel good attention instead of working on the relationship he already has.
I would make him a batch of ex-lax cookies. Let him shit those batman swim trunks and see how cute she thinks he is then!
I agree with Aronia I would boot him out for at least awhile.
Tell him the other woman has got to go. No more interaction on social media, no more texting, no more phone calls, no more ANYTHING! He is the one who has to prove he is going to be faithful to you. If he isn't willing to FULLY let her go, you should be prepared to FULLY let him go. The time for trusting those two as friends, well, lets just say that ship has sailed, never to return again.
I'm embarassed to say I went back on his Facebook. Maybe to torture myself? He erased the conversation, but he still has her as a friend. He has until this Monday to make a decision about his life, and me and our daughter. If he says he chooses me I will be asking him if that means cutting out this other girl completley. As of now, I'm just doing my best not to cry in front of our kid.
Today he acted like all was fine. His sister showed up without notice, and of course we couldn't air our dirty laundry in front of her. But he went to bed before she left. I don't know if was on purpose to avoid me or if he was just tired as he has to be up for work at 430am. Either way, it left me crying on the couch again.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I've never felt this feeling in my chest before in my whole life....and my life has not been easy. And if it doesn't start to ease then I may not have a choice. But for right now I want to work on us.....but he needs to talk to me for that to happen.
Stay strong... you're handling this so well.. ((hugs))
You have been with this man for 8 years and have a child. I would use your sister in law( at this point that is what she is even though you are not married) as a source of support for you.
Why shouldn't she know that you are upset because you saw a message from a woman telling her brother how cute he looked in his swim trunks and hoping he would visit again??
Why should you consider it YOUR dirty laundry? It is HIS dirty laundry! His sister can give him a slap upside the head and tell him not to ruin her niece's life!
think about it
I would expect him to defriend this woman now! Keeping her as a friend is saying something, he cares more about hurting this woman's feelings than yours. You need not take a backseat to this and just leave it to him to do the right thing. He screwed up and didn't do the right thing. Tell him he needs to be totally transparent to you. He has lost your trust. He needs to cut her off completely and clearly. I would recommend reading some books on relationships for the both of you. Ones that will strengthen your relationship. And I also may want to do some time of relationship counseling. Again to strengthen your relationship.
Ignoring what happened or hoping he will make the right choices is are things you should not do. Cheating seems to show it's ugly head again down the road if you do not stop it in its tracks. Do not be an accomplish by hiding this dirty little secret for him. That just tells him he pulled one over you. You need to be proactive in this relationship because it sounds like he is basically a good guy that you love. It's worth fighting for the relationship especially if you have a daughter with him.