Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
This is off topic as far as raising my GS so hope it's okay to post. Haven't been on for a few weeks - life has been so frantic. My dad has Alzheimer's and he's now in a Memory Care facility. I only have one brother who is disabled with Huntington's Disease, but he is totally competent. He's an alcoholic who lived off the system and sponged from my parents his entire life. He left his wife when his three kids were in grade school and she moved about 90 min. away with them so we haven't seen them a lot. They are all adults now. One son seems to be doing well, nice wife, nice family, lives about an hour from us but we hardly see him. Other son is a drifter - always trying to 'start his own business', etc., sponging off everyone in the meantime. He was caught selling pot once. Daughter is twice married and divorced with a child by each husband. One of her sons is 18 and other is 7. She's always been trouble - record for retail theft, worthless checks, bail jumping, illegal drugs, driving after revocation 7th offence, etc.
My brother lived with my dad for about 3 years until his daughter begged him to move in with her so she could use his disability to help pay her rent. She does not work - can't hold a job when she sleeps for days at a time after she runs out of her pills.
I have power of attorney for my dad and have been paying his bills - for the memory care facility, health insurance premiums, deductibles, and I set up an irrevocable burial trust so we will not have to pay for his funeral like we did for my father-in-law. My brother wanted to move into Dad's place, so he and his daughter moved in. I asked him if they wanted any of the furniture and they said 'no - we have our own furniture'. I took my mother's hutch that she'd always told me I could have, the coffee table I'd loaned my dad, a small table lamp that I'd helped my mother refinish when I was still in high school, my parent's dresser and chest that they'd had from when they were first married (I had to have the broken drawers repaired), and a few dishes. Everything else was still at the house when they moved in so they put it all in the garage - two sofas, three chairs, dinnette set, dishes, pots, pans, mower, snow blower, power tools, electric appliances, etc. - everything else.
I did not hear from them and my neice's cell phone was disconnected, so I stopped over there. BIG mistake! My neice & brother screamed at me - accused me of 'taking everything' including my dad's money! Dad is going to run out of money and I'll need to apply for Medical Assistance for him next month. The average cost of a facility is $8,000/month and average length of stay is 12 years. So, unless you have a million dollars in the bank, you'll need MA to pay for your stay. I am NOT a theif! I would never steal from anyone, and especially my disabled father! They act like I should have taken money from my dad's bank accounts and handed it out to them! They even berated me for doing the burial trust fund for his funeral! I can't just hand them money - Dad's money is for his care! When I apply for MA for him, I need to account for how his money was spent and it has to be spent on him for his care - I can't just hand it out to my greedy relatives. They have been going around to all of our relatives and spreading lies - telling everyone that I stole my dad's thngs. For example, my brother said I took my dad's guns. Three years ago when my GS, Tyler, started hunting, my dad gave him the two guns he had left. He'd given his other guns to my brother years ago, and my brother and his second wife sold them to buy cigarrettes and beer. Dad was completely competent at that time and he was so thrilled that Tyler shot both of his deer with the guns he'd given him.
I am so upset! All of the old hurts are coming back - all the times I watched my mother cry because her son did not even phone her on her birthday or mother's day, but he would show up weekly to 'borrow' money that he never paid back. Now, and this is the real kicker - there's a new program available for diabled called IRIS and my brother applied for it and is receiving money 'for his care'. Yours and my tax dollars are paying his drug addict daughter $4,000 per MONTH to 'take care of' my brother. Which consists of doing nothing since my brother does not need any care. And, IRIS is also paying to 'remodel' Dad's place - new windows, flooring, etc. The remodeling is being done by my neice's sleazy boyfriend. He's a 'handy man' - he was homeless and living in his van in the driveway until he started 'dating' my neice and moved in. He cut his finger off at his last job and is suing the person who hired him. No doubt she must have stood there and personally cut off his finger! The yard is full of junk - old windows, etc., and I would be willing to bet that they are using shoddy, used materials and billing the government for new things, and making a lot of money in the process. Again, yours and my tax dollars hard at work!
Tyler's mom was here from Chicago for Christmas and she was shocked that our family are the only ones who visit Dad - she could not believe she and her sister and their kids are the only ones who were there - his son and none of Dad's other grandchildren or great-grandchildren have ever visited him. It's pitiful.
Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
My brother lived with my dad for about 3 years until his daughter begged him to move in with her so she could use his disability to help pay her rent. She does not work - can't hold a job when she sleeps for days at a time after she runs out of her pills.
I have power of attorney for my dad and have been paying his bills - for the memory care facility, health insurance premiums, deductibles, and I set up an irrevocable burial trust so we will not have to pay for his funeral like we did for my father-in-law. My brother wanted to move into Dad's place, so he and his daughter moved in. I asked him if they wanted any of the furniture and they said 'no - we have our own furniture'. I took my mother's hutch that she'd always told me I could have, the coffee table I'd loaned my dad, a small table lamp that I'd helped my mother refinish when I was still in high school, my parent's dresser and chest that they'd had from when they were first married (I had to have the broken drawers repaired), and a few dishes. Everything else was still at the house when they moved in so they put it all in the garage - two sofas, three chairs, dinnette set, dishes, pots, pans, mower, snow blower, power tools, electric appliances, etc. - everything else.
I did not hear from them and my neice's cell phone was disconnected, so I stopped over there. BIG mistake! My neice & brother screamed at me - accused me of 'taking everything' including my dad's money! Dad is going to run out of money and I'll need to apply for Medical Assistance for him next month. The average cost of a facility is $8,000/month and average length of stay is 12 years. So, unless you have a million dollars in the bank, you'll need MA to pay for your stay. I am NOT a theif! I would never steal from anyone, and especially my disabled father! They act like I should have taken money from my dad's bank accounts and handed it out to them! They even berated me for doing the burial trust fund for his funeral! I can't just hand them money - Dad's money is for his care! When I apply for MA for him, I need to account for how his money was spent and it has to be spent on him for his care - I can't just hand it out to my greedy relatives. They have been going around to all of our relatives and spreading lies - telling everyone that I stole my dad's thngs. For example, my brother said I took my dad's guns. Three years ago when my GS, Tyler, started hunting, my dad gave him the two guns he had left. He'd given his other guns to my brother years ago, and my brother and his second wife sold them to buy cigarrettes and beer. Dad was completely competent at that time and he was so thrilled that Tyler shot both of his deer with the guns he'd given him.
I am so upset! All of the old hurts are coming back - all the times I watched my mother cry because her son did not even phone her on her birthday or mother's day, but he would show up weekly to 'borrow' money that he never paid back. Now, and this is the real kicker - there's a new program available for diabled called IRIS and my brother applied for it and is receiving money 'for his care'. Yours and my tax dollars are paying his drug addict daughter $4,000 per MONTH to 'take care of' my brother. Which consists of doing nothing since my brother does not need any care. And, IRIS is also paying to 'remodel' Dad's place - new windows, flooring, etc. The remodeling is being done by my neice's sleazy boyfriend. He's a 'handy man' - he was homeless and living in his van in the driveway until he started 'dating' my neice and moved in. He cut his finger off at his last job and is suing the person who hired him. No doubt she must have stood there and personally cut off his finger! The yard is full of junk - old windows, etc., and I would be willing to bet that they are using shoddy, used materials and billing the government for new things, and making a lot of money in the process. Again, yours and my tax dollars hard at work!
Tyler's mom was here from Chicago for Christmas and she was shocked that our family are the only ones who visit Dad - she could not believe she and her sister and their kids are the only ones who were there - his son and none of Dad's other grandchildren or great-grandchildren have ever visited him. It's pitiful.
Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
My mother moved into our house when her memory got too bad. I drove her 40 miles each way to church every Sunday and cleaned out her house (she kept EVERYTHING). That took the better part of a year. I then sold the house, which was worth practically nothing, and used the proceeds to pay for her adult day care, clothing, etc. because we couldn't afford it all ourselves.
She should have had about $100,000 in CDs when she moved in with us; however, her bank account was at practically zero. I have since learned from family members that my brother "borrowed" money from her all the time. That was fine with me, because as long as she was alive it was her money to do with as she pleased.
She peed on our sofas and her mattress, her clothing had to be replaced all the time because of incontinence, I drove her back and forth to day care until we could afford their bus, you know the drill. She stayed with us for five years until I was able to find a wonderful nursing home close by. She lived one more year, then passed at age 90.
In all that time my brother visited her once. This is ironic, because he and I had been fairly close. No arguments, no disputes, etc. We didn't see each other often because he's 10-1/2 years older than I am, but other than that we love each other.
Well, when she died I heard the same thing: I could pay for her funeral because I had "all of her money"!!!! It devastated me so much that all I could plan was a graveside service for one of the most Christian women I ever knew. My husband and I fought the whole time, it was a mess.
It took nearly two years for my brother and I to mend fences, and I think something "broke" in our relationship. I love him, and we still get together. He's now dying of mesothelioma and that's breaking my heart as well.
I still don't know where those accusations came from, because they were not true. I guess what I'm saying is that this is typical - I've heard so many similar stories. Some friends said the anger is from guilt, because the "other" person never did his or her part to actually help. Once the loved one dies, they take out their guilt on the caregiver.
I'll say prayers that you'll find the strength to get through this...but realize that you're not alone!!!
My uncle, of whom I had complete POA just passed this year, and was living in a nursing home, so I am familiar with all of this.
Firstly, in order to qualify for Medicaide, you will be required to liquidate anything your father owns, including houses, cars, investments, etc. The only thing you can keep is X number of dollars in a funeral trust. All investments, properties, insurance premiums(they can keep 2000 dollars in insurance) etc. will have to be sold. Period, no exceptions. Either that or he comes out of the facility or you pay the bill. This does not apply to personal property, like the furniture. You can do whatever you like with that. But honestly, as POA or even if people are named in the will, personal property is all that is left and all anyone will ever see from the estate. Anyone who has ever had someone in a nursing facility on medicaide has gone through this. You have plenty of witnesses to back up your story. :) I received exactly 90 dollars for all of the driving, paperwork, days off work, etc, etc for taking care of my uncle, and that was only from setting up his funeral (out of funeral trust). Other than that you never get reimbursed a cent. And yes, you must account TO THE PENNY for everything, including anything liquidated.
IMO, that will end your problem with your brother. I guess I'm pretty much a hard case at this point, but I'd kick them all out. No apologies, no nothing. Even if I didn't need to sell. I'd sell the house if I had to to get rid of them, and use the money for my dad.
These people are using you. They are not acting in a rational or even "normal" manner. They are greedy and manipulative. You are your father's POA and it is your duty not to let others control his interests, but to act in HIS best interest.
I don't have all of the facts - obviously - but it doesn't appear to me, from what you've told me, that it is in your dad's best interest to have these people living in his house. It sounds like they are "trashing" it, and you could even be held responsible for allowing them to do that to it. Please be very careful.
As I read this post I sound very hard and uncaring. But I live with these kind of people every day. You cannot let them have anything. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It was so very stressful for me to be raising my gs, dealing with my uncle, and you have this thrown in as well.
Wishing you all the best, and I know you will make the best choice for your family in your situation! Great BIG {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I went to an attorney to have my name removed from the deed because I do not want to pay half of the taxes but was told I need to check with a tax accountant because I might have tax liability for giving the property to my brother. If I try to take him to court to force him out, his attorney would be paid for by my tax dollars and I would wipe out my savings to pay for my own attorney. So, I'm stuck for now, but I absolutely refuse to pay half of the taxes, maintenance, or insurance. By the time I pay for all of that for the next 10 - 15 years, I would not even break even once I received my half from the sale of the property. So, the County can have my 'share' for back taxes as far as I'm concerned.
My dad had a car, but when he gave up driving a couple years ago, he gave it to me (transferred the title) to drive him around in because he didn't like riding in DH's little Geo Metro. Dad had 5 accidents with the car and the last one the insurance company wanted to total it but he thought he was going to keep driving, so he never had the car fixed. It was a 7-year-old Ford Taurus that only had value as salvage. That's the other thing my brother complained about. I told my brother that Dad had bought every car he'd ever owned for him. The last car Dad bought for my brother a few years ago cost him over $6,000 by the time he paid for the car, repairs for it, then my brother's ex-wife took the car when she threw him out. So, Dad paid $1,000 to an attorney to get the car back and had to pay the ex-wife $500 because it was deemed community property. My brother had it back for a month when he drove drunk, smashed it into trees, and totaled it. He had no driver's license and no insurance, so it was gone. Besides, as my brother pointed out to me when I begged him to come help Dad when his pipes were frozen and ours in our basement had frozen and burst, and DH and I were trying to save the sheetrock and flooring in our family room, my brother refused to come help Dad because neither he nor his daugher have a driver's license. So, what would he have done with Dad's car anyway? If he sold it, the money from the sale would have to go for Dad's care, and none of them can drive it, so what good would it have been to them? Just another example of his greed. My brother also thought Dad had a lot more money in the bank, but my mother qualified for FREE CHP care - she would not have qualified for FREE CHP if my parents had $100,000 in the bank like my brother and his daughter claimed. I do not understand where they got that idea - probably just plan on trying to sue me and claim I took Dad's money. Well, the County will have Dad's bank records when I apply for assistance so it will be obvious that I did not take his money.
I will never feel the same way about my brother again - I give up on him and am done, no matter what. My dad had no assets other than his bank accounts. My brother thinks Dad should have had a lot more money, but he hasn't been in contact with him for the past 4 years. Dad paid $11,000 for my mother's funeral (she had no life insurance), $10,000 repairs on his well, several thousand for a new furnace, and several thousand for repairs to his car after the accidents (with the exception of the last one which he did not repair) and to replace the back wall of his garage when he put the car all the way through it.
Dad pays premiums for Medicare supplemental insurance plus co-pays and deductibles. And my brother thinks Medicare paid for my dad's nursing home stay, not understanding that once the staff determined that therapy was no longer working, he became a private pay resident. Medicare does not automatically pay for the first 90 days - it only pays as long as therapy is working. Plus, I put as much as I could into an irrevocable burial trust for Dad - I believe he should have the same kind of funeral he gave my mother. And I stocked up on clothes for Dad because once he's on assistance he will only get $40/month to live on. I also bought him a lift chair - the staff at the Memory Care faciliy said it would be helpful for him. I've been paying for his care with the money that's left and he will be down to $2,000 by next month. So, thanks for all the prayers - I think I'm going to need them!
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Hang in there, it WILL come to an end at some point and life will move forward, but until then it seems like you are in a really rotten situation. Hope it resolves itself soon. BTW....if he is living there, and you own half of the property, it seems that you should be entitled to rent. It might be worth sitting and talking to a lawyer about it. If you started charging him some rent, he'd prolly buy you out really fast, especially if you charged him a rediculously small sum for the property. Might be worth asking about. Just an idea.
God Bless!
My brother has no money so I know he can't buy me out. He's an alcoholic and never really worked his entire life, just worked long enough to 'injure' some body part and collect worker's comp; or long enough to accrue unemployment then get himself fired so he could live on unemployment; along with sponging off our parents. He's never owned anything and was proud of the fact that he refused to work because if he worked he would have had to pay child support. He's supposed to be getting IRIS funding but I found out from someone who talked to his daughter just before Christmas that the money has not come through yet, which means all he has is $850/month disability. I don't know how they'll be able to heat the place on that income - it is very expensive to heat. The smartest thing would have been to sell the place and he could have used his half of the money to buy a newer mobile home in better condition. Even though he would have to pay lot rent, he would not have needed to worry about fixing a septic system or well, and, he could have gotten into one of the courts in town where there are busses and things in walking distance. Now they're living in the country and none of them have a drivers license, as anyone can see on Wisconsin Circuit Court Access that his daugher has seven convictions for driving after revocation of her license (along with several small claims judgements from former landlords, retail theft, worthless checks, several bail jumping charges, and buying illegal drugs) and my brother has many disorderly conduct, battery, and drunk driving convictions. Funny, I seem to remember him growing up in the same house with the same parents as I did, yet no one would ever believe we're related.
Even FURTHER proof that any of us who feel guilt for the way we parented our children should just fuggetaboutit! LOL
Kids make their own choices, and it's as simple as that.
My older sister has been caring for my aging mother who is now 86 yrs old. Pretty good health however; dementia is getting worse. I am a planner and 10 yrs ago my mom, sister and I talked about the care of my mom. My sister who lives in another state said that when she & her husband retire they were going to move in with my mom here in California and care for her. I said we should move her closer to us (she lives 2 hrs away) so that we both can care for her. No, No...They were going to move in with my mom. Well, when that day came they moved down and the 1st yr lived with her for 6mths then went back home (their older daughter lives in their paid for home) then next yr they stayed for 4 mths then the next yr 3 mths then down to 2 mths out of the year was the norm. The problem with that is that we have the burden of making sure my mom is cared for. I am so upset about this because I feel guilty that I can't get to my mom very much...we work full time, have two children in school and now I have my grandson. I talked with my sister and brother in law about this and they said well we have to go visit our grand kids and they have a older daughter who needs help from time to time (medical issues) I told them yes "Life Happens"!! This is why I figured it was safer to move mom near us...now my mom won't move (she would have 10 yrs ago) and we get worried and feel guilty because we can't get out to see her very much...Now, comes the worse thing my older sister now has breast cancer and she has been doing chemo for the last yr and they told us that they won't be out here for 2 yrs. I am very sad about my sister's health but I tried to make it easier for all of us 10 yrs ago when we decided on my mom's care...and they just blew me off. Thank God my mom has a dear friend who has been taking her to Dr appt's and shopping or we all would be more stressed out because she would have to move in with us...and my mom can't handle all the loudness of kids and now with my gs it would be hard on her and us because she would be unhappy...
Judi
I thought about trying to care for him at my home, but I work full time (and need to keep working because we're supporting our grandson). Also, my house would not work very well for him - too many stairs for him to fall down, wheelchair would never fit into our tiny bathroom, etc. And, like many dementia patients, he is nocturnal so he's up a lot during the night. It just would not have worked out.
At least the facility he's at is actually quite wonderful. My youngest daugher was shocked when she visited him - could not believe how nice it is. It's much like a large, modern house - only 16 residents, beautful wood floors, fireplace and huge flat screen television in living room, etc. He has his own bedroom with bathroom, closet, furniture, etc. And the staff is fabulous - they all have specialized trainiing for dementia. He likes it there - does not ask to leave at all - so at least I know he's getting excellent care, and the cost is less than a nursing home because he doesn't need skilled nursing care, which is what nursing homes provide and that is why they are so expensive.
Sorry if I ranted too much. I just feel so bad when I walk into the nursing homes and see how so many of those people are existing from day to day and don't understand how on Earth living like THAT can cost so much.