Hi lucidragon. Thanks for posting. It somehow helps just to know that others have similar feelings. You sound so accepting, and I admire that! I'm pretty much still in the same place as my original post a year ago. You're right, a big part of the sadness is giving up on our own dreams and expectations for our kids. I guess in an ironic way, it's a chance to be a better parent, because letting go of our own expectations for our kids and respecting their own ways is something every parent needs to do as their children grow up. Since this is so different from what we are, we are kind of forced to do it. I'm still hoping I can get to the point of being happy and proud about it. Still working on that, as I'm jealous of my sisters' kids who are all straight and everyone gets so excited about their kids' weddings coming up, etc. I shouldn't care what people think, I know, but I struggle with that. I know the family will be more excited about their straight kids' weddings, children, etc. It is a societal thing, and needs changing, for sure. I wish I didn't buy into it. I want to be excited for my daughter's relationships. Hopefully, time and prayer will help me with that. Thanks again for responding and good luck with the ADHD problems. I know that can be very challenging.

Hello remi59!

I am a lesbian, have a life partner and we have a daughter. Have you ever tried getting socially involved with LGBT events or issues? Something of that nature may help you overcome your struggles and make all of this concrete, which in turn may help you work all your feelings out.
I grew up in a Southern Baptist/Church of Christ/Pentacostal environment.... that being said, I myself had many many questions and feelings of guilt. My biggest struggle is, even to this day, is God okay with this?? Just recently I watched a few documentaries on Netflix about The Bible and homosexuality. If you can get a hold of them it may be of some aide also.

"Little Man" by Nicole Conn
"For The Bible Tells Me So" by Daniel Karslake (This is a wonderful testimony of many people who experienced what you are going through)

I know that over time this will become easier for you. Like you have said, society has conditioned us all to a "norm" and by confronting something outside or against that norm- we often get caught up in a "feelings war" so to speak. Just like with anything that you are uncomfortable with, over time and repeated exposure you develop an understanding and a new "norm" will be born. This is what our society is struggling with now, we just haven't gotten that far into the process acceptance of LGBT people. Once you have found your balance and inner peace you can become an advocate for this change!!
I will pray for you and your struggles. You are a wonderful mother to be so concerned, just by coming on here looking for answers and help is so brave of you. You have an open mind and you will get through this with your daughter. Much love to you and your family.

Hi, whoaminone. Thank-you so much for your kind reply and for your understanding and suggestions. You are very kind. I will definitely read those books. I don't know why I have resisted going to pflag meetings--I know so many people have been helped through this organization. One thing that's kind of strange about our situation is that my daughter isn't even totally out yet. For whatever reason, she only came out to her friends and to my husband and me, asking us not to tell the rest of our extended family yet. She's at college most of the year and also doesn't date, so she's able to do this without arousing suspicion. (Although I think some of our relatives have figured it out simply because she is so friendly and cute but has never had a boyfriend or any interest in one. Some have asked about a boyfriend over the years and have stopped asking.) Anyway, I guess she's not totally comfortable with this. It took her years to even admit it, although, unlike you, she was raised in a very liberal religion and household. I feel guilty about this and wonder if she senses my husband's and my discomfort, and this has added to hers. As long as she is single, she has no explaining to do, so this has postponed her having to come out to the rest of the family. Generally, we just live our lives and don't talk about it, though we do discuss gay marriage and gay rights in general, and are always supportive. But on a personal level, we all seem to be taking quite a long time to adjust. Anyway, I'm sure the whole process will evolve over time. I just wanted to say to you, in terms of the religion thing, that God loves all people equally. People who pick and choose which parts of the bible to interpret literally and which not to, are the ones to blame for these feelings of guilt so many people have. The same passage that says it is an abomination to be gay, for instance, says it is also an abomination to eat shellfish. Also in the bible, people have slaves and multiple wives. We have evolved as a society and have learned not to take these other things literally. Now it is way past time to stop taking the "gay abomination" thing literally. And we are evolving--look at NY state!! I wish you the best and thank you again for your comments.

PFLAG is a group for you....while she may never come out anymore then she has its a place for you to grow...Nothing goes ouside what is spoken there so you are safe there...You will meet some of the most wonderful people of all walks of life there...Good Luck..

remi --

you said
"Are there any other parents out there who have resolved this? Have any of you gone from feeling disappointed and uncomfortable to actually embracing this and getting excited for your children's relationships, etc.?"

i'm confused that you are posing this question on a forum for gay parents; why would gay parents have problems accepting their child's homosexuality? this is a forum for parents who ARE gay, not parents who have gay kids.

if you are interested in issues experienced by straight parents of gay people, there is a group on this site for exactly this, where i feel you would find people who relate to your situation a great deal more. i highly encourage you to check it out, many people there express the same feelings and sentiments that you have:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-Friends-of-Gays-Lesbians/support-group

nosey22: thank-you!!
spiky: thank-you for the recommendation. I've been confused,too. The group I posted on originally said "parents of gay children," and in my email notifications, it still says that. But along the way, I have noticed that when I open it up now, it says "gay parenting." Since realizing this, I have not put any new posts on, but I still respond to other people's comments concerning my original post. Thanks again.

hello remi --

sorry, i had no idea that the email alerts for this group said 'parents of gay children'. that explains a lot! thanks for telling me, i've always wondered about that.

for what it's worth, i think your feelings concerning your daughter are normal -- people invest alot in their anticipation of their children's futures, and if those anticipations are disrupted, it sort of throws them. i suspect it will just take some time to adjust, but you've probably received similar messages from other people. if nothing else, think of the opportunity to familiarize, even educate, other people about gay people in general and parenting gay people in particular. i hope for the best for you and your daughter.

Thanks, Spiky. Yes, it is confusing. I don't know why the groups are mis-labeled sometimes--but I did join the other one. Thanks for your support. It has been a challenge, but I remind myself, nothing compared to the challenge of being gay in this society. Thanks again, and best wishes.

Well it's nice to finally meet someone like me... remi59! My son recently told me he was "bi" about 7 weeks now. Nothing has been the same for me since. I now wake up with nightmares about him in gay situations. It's so awful and ridiculous all at the same time. I sent him to a therapist a few months ago suspecting he was have internal struggles. Turned out I was right, the therapist told me he "tested out" in the middle of like guys and girls equally. Not sure what that test involved but it was some comfort because he is a very attractive unfeminine guy. Let me apologize to any gay men on here about my comments but I'm trying to explain my journey as a mom of a bisexual boy. I feel horrible guilt because I hate thinking of him being with other guys. I have known about 1 "date" he went on and I was pretty cool about it, inside I was sobbing. Ok so here is the thing, I have always thought of myself as very liberal and live and let live. I have worked with and known many gay men. I would say love them, nicest guys ever. So why am I having such a hard time with my son? I have good days and crying days and on the good days I think of him just as him, a wonderful loving, charismatic son. Then days like today I want to hide from shame not only for him but because I feel that way. I look forward to him gooing away to college and making new friends and I won't have to know. I have made the mistake of watching LOGO (gay/lez t.v. channel) I watch to learn and desensitize myself..but the one show The A-List wow that has to be like saying the Real Wives of something are what most wives are like. There is a lesbian show called X's and O's..not sure if that's realistic but there is so much to say I wish we cold exchange email addresses. I have to go now but you aren't alone and it will be ok because our children need us to love and support them. I know to the gay people reading reading this I sound like a contradiction but that's how I feel. I'm sorry and never meant to hurt anyones feelings.

To alovingmom, Hi. Thanks for responding. I truly think our problem is pure social conditioning. I know that we love our kids and want them to be happy. If we could take away all judgments from friends, family, and society, I truly believe this wouldn't even be an issue. So I am working on learning to not care so much what other people think. Easier said than done, I know. Also, we all have dreams for our kids, and this revelation necessitates adjusting these dreams, and this, too, is difficult. It's a process, and I guess we can't expect it to happen overnight, but we do owe it to our kids to get through it. Whatever adjustments we have to make pale in comparison to what they have to go through.
Wishing us both love and luck in this process, remi59

Good afternoon everyone. For all of you parents with gay children, I know it has been suggested before but i feel the need to suggest it again, please seek out a PFLAG group in your area or online. Your feelings are completely normal and you are not alone in your feelings. PFLAG will allow you to meet other parents who are going through what you are.

Disclaimer: The following are my feelings and my feelings alone. They are not meant to hurt anyone or make anyone feel bad. Your feelings are your own and i hope that being on this site and being able to share those feelings you can explore them and feel more comfortable about your children being gay.

Some of the comments posted here regarding how some of you feel about your children being gay, brought back a lot of fear for me. I came out to my family and friends over 13 years ago. I was 20 at the time, but i was still afraid of my families rejection. I am glad that from the post i have read that you all have had positive reactions to your children, and voiced your concern here. I just want to share that for most gay people, at least the ones i know, especially young people, the biggest fear about being gay and coming out, is not what the world thinks, but what our moms, dads, parents and siblings think. I know my biggest fear was that my mom would reject me. I will never forget what she said to me when i finally got the courage to tell her. She said to me "do you think this makes me love you any less", i said "i hope not" and her response was "you are my daughter and i will always love you". She is an amazing woman and i know how lucky i am to have her as my mother. She has never once treated me differently, and she has welcomed the 2 partners i have had with open arms. Two and a half years ago my partner at the time gave birth to a daughter and my mom treats her like she does her other grandchildren. I know i am lucky. I know that a lot of other GLBT can't say their parents were as accepting.

I am sharing with you my experience and thoughts with you, because i want the parents of gay children to know how important you and your opinion is to your children. Because you parents mean so much to your gay children i suggest again search out a PFLAG group. I also applaud you for finding DS and sharing your thoughts here. Keep loving your children as you have been that is really all we need.

One last comment i will make, and i haven't read anyone say this, but i will make the comment anyway is: being gay is NOT a choice. I don't know anyone that would chose to be gay. However being honest with ourselves and our families about being gay is a choice.

Good luck to all of you.

hi pbemm 44. Thanks so much for your generous response. I do apologize that this whole thread ended up in the wrong place. It really should be in the "Friends and Family of Gays and Lesbians" but somehow got started last year here. I can imagine it must be frustrating to read these kinds of feelings when you're just looking for parenting advice for your own kids, and I do apologize. I don't think there is a way to move it at this point.
Anyway, thanks for your kind words and suggestions for pflag. Good luck with your beautiful daughter!! remi59

I think these videos might help you, they show a mother being interviewed by her son about her feelings after he came out to the family. she talks about a lot of the fears you have, and she talks about how she overcame them.

http://youtu.be/sXuFEk9C3_0

http://youtu.be/IEZVQe6xJGY

Im not a parent but I am a daughter and my mother was the same way. I comened you on trying to find away to fix your relationship. When I first came out it was very uncomfortable for awhile between my parents and I. Over the years they have losened up but my mother stll thinks I haven't found the 'right penis' according to her. Try talking to her. Who she is attracted to has nothing to do with the person she is and most times it somthing no one can control. Just let her know that u are there for here cause If you dont than you will just push her away. Everything you wanted for her u can sill have but sometimes just not the way you want them, it doesnt make things less special or valued. Atleast thats the way I tied tell my mom. Also u should know that her decision had nothing to do with the way you raised her. (Just threw that one in there becase that wahow my mom felt.) Hope I was able to help a little.

hi remi59
I have no prob with my 22 yr old daughter coming out BUT having said that wish she would have told me beofre I read it on FB. I thought we were close, now I feel left out and forgotten. Not feeling sorry for myself, but I have a life threatening illness I'll be receiving treatment for this week and ever since she came out it's like I don't exist. Talk about disappointment:((